28 Nov

Every group of friends has that one drunk guy who is both entertaining and infuriating. He is the same guy that calls everyone up at insane hours of the night, on a week night, screaming inaudible obscenities at your answering machine. Then he has no recollection of the call. He didn’t work for a while because he was busy playing Madden for a living. He comes to your cookout and instead of saying thank you for cooking, he gets pissed that you forgot to buy mustard, then makes fun of your overweight dog. He is the dude getting all of the girls’ boyfriends riled up to pregame with tequila. He’s completely and totally immoral, but really good things happen to him, like great job offers and season tickets landing in his lap. And when these good things happen to him, it makes you question your faith in God, but you try to laugh it off instead of being insanely bitter and angry. This is the friend who thoroughly enjoys local dive bars, especially those in more urban areas that close later. Basically, he is an obnoxious, ridiculous, loud, raving, drunken, mad man who pisses you off, but also provides the laughs. Okay, maybe not all groups of friends has a friend like this. But my group of friends has one, and his name is *Barney.

There are a few important facts about Barney that you should know:

  • He loves Chinese food to the point of eating fallen General Gau’s off the floor of his work truck.
  • The more intoxicated he gets, the more he starts to speak in 3rd person and scream his own name.
  • He embraces extreme political and cultural views to get a rise out of everyone (Example: Barney is “pro criminal rights”).
  • He owns a blue velour track suit that he insists is suede. Don’t tell him it’s not.

So to be honest, those aren’t important facts that you needed to know about Barney. Those were just bits of information I gave you to be a bitch. Sorry Barney. But you know what? As much as I can shit on Barney for his attire, and his creepy late night phone calls, I was shocked and appalled to learn that someone tried to light our friend Barney on fucking fire. Who tries to light someone on fire? (Besides the lady who lit herself and kids on fire in American Horror Story, but this is real life). Here’s the real life story:

Barney was with his buddy, *Moe one evening (Barney & Moe are names that just go hand in hand, right?). After bar hopping from local dive to local dive, the pair began to grow wary and famished. Typically, Barney starts to rant and rave about his Chinese food cravings around 10pm. This time, his craving was late night…more like 2 in the morning. If Barney knows anything in life, and believe me, he knows very little, he knows for sure when every single Chinese food joint from this side of the Neponset river closes. And he was upset on this particular evening, because even on the other side of the Neponset river, Chinese food places were closed. His dream of China Sky and Peking Kitchen, shattered, vanished like the lo mein on his work truck’s floor. So Barney and Moe decided to head to a breakfast spot in Roxbury. Seems harmless? To Barney, yes. But to every single fucking person who lives in the South Shore, no. This is a bad idea. So Barney and Moe proceed to their establishment of choice.  Here is a picture of this real diner that I googled in case you gave a shit: To Barney’s horror, the Roxbury diner is closed. Shit hits the fan. Actually, it doesn’t. Barney and Moe just decide to go to fucking sleep in the parking lot until the diner opens for breakfast. Completely normal. I know. So Barney fell into a deep slumber outside in the lot and Moe fell asleep in his car. I like to think that they were dreaming of their upcoming feast of hash browns, bacon, and pancakes. But they were black out status, so they were probably just taking a coma.

Barney awakes a short time later. Naturally, he feels like complete shit. I don’t know that for a fact, but I don’t know how it could be any other way. Barney begins sniffing the air around him, searching for that sweet pancake aroma. I don’t know if he did that either, one can only assume. But instead of smelling a delicious breakfast aroma, Barney just smells gasoline. And when he looks down at his body, he discovered he is saturated with gasoline. This can only mean one thing: someone tried to light poor Barney on fucking fire! Barney looks around for Moe frantically before he remembers Moe was passed out in the car. Barney tells Moe of his problem, but even Moe cannot believe that someone would try to light Barney on fire. Poor dude got no Chinese food, passed out in a fucking parking lot, then almost got lit on fire…and no one believed him.

There is a happy ending to this tragic story. Barney got his breakfast. He got 2 pancakes, hash browns, toast, 3 sausages, bacon, ham, and eggs to be exact. And I know this for a fact, because I texted him and asked him if he still got breakfast in his gasoline soaked clothing. I feel that only our friend Barney could be doused in gasoline in a Roxbury parking lot at 4am and still remember that morning for what was really important: the exact number of sausage links he consumed. Our group of friends were so impressed with his overall drunken achievements this year that we showcase his Nike sneaker in this China cabinet: Okay, so that sneaker wasn’t put there in honor. Barney was just drunk one night and forgot his shoe at that apartment. But does that really matter? I’m glad Barney wasn’t lit on fire that night in the Roxbury diner parking lot. Because even if Barney wakes us up at 2am on work nights with his booze fueled banter, he is still our friend. And for entertainment purposes, I recommend every group of friends get a Barney to call their own. But that doesn’t mean that Barney deserves free Patriots season tickets, because he somehow attained them, and it pisses me off.

*Names have been changed to protect the ridiculous.


5 Responses to “Barney”

  1. Kerri November 30, 2011 at 1:23 am #

    Does phi know you wrote this about him?!??!? It’s so obvious it’s about phi it’s sick…

  2. Felicia December 1, 2011 at 3:28 am #

    Omg!! I can’t even take this this is soooo fuckin funny!!!! HAHHA I’m dying this one is the best one so far hahahhaha

  3. Felicia December 1, 2011 at 3:29 am #

    Ohhh Molly! This was HIGH larious!!!

  4. flynn December 1, 2011 at 8:41 pm #

    definitely not phi lol…. poor barney and moe… aka carney n joe. good stuff molly

  5. Stephanie King December 10, 2011 at 6:43 pm #

    Hahaha…..funny shit!!

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