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Whack Ass Trends

1 Dec

Remember what you wore the first day of high school? Neither do I. It was probably something as awkward as my bangs were back then when it rained outside. But I do remember some weird ass trends that never should have happened. I also remember weird ass trends that I wish would make a comeback. And ladies & gents, here they are:

  • Steve Madden Black Wedges: I think every girl in high school had a pair of these bad boys. Except me. I was a broke ass with no job. But my sister bought them, so I told her she was too tall to wear them, made her feel self conscious, then I wore them. The best part of the Steve Madden wedges were the extra 4 inches they gave a girl. Who wouldn’t want to be 6 inches taller than their 15 year old boyfriend? I couldn’t find them on Google, that’s how sacred these wedges were. So I took the liberty of drawing them on paintbrush. Don’t judge me unless you are a paintbrush enthusiast who can send me a better drawing, jerk. 
  • Sparkly Jeans: Or more specifically, sparkly Angel’s brand jeans. These were all the rage around sophomore year. The material on these were so fucking cheap & stretchy & basically ensured that your ass crack would be hanging out so that everyone sitting behind you in class could see your hiked up thong. Hot. You really only got like 3 wears out of these due to the sparkles rapid shedding. You could also piss your mom off on laundry day if you owned them, as everything else in the drier came out sparkly. Here’s a tip if these ghetto jeans ever make a comeback: turn them inside out before you wash them.
  • Butterfly Clips: Did you ever feel like using fashion to let others know that your spirit is free like butterfly? Me neither. But sometimes I felt like putting multi colored butterfly clips on my head. Some of these butterflies even fluttered to the beat of my heart when I listened to N*Sync sing “God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You”.
  • Starter Jackets: I am the biggest bandwagon fan ever, and generally don’t even watch sports. But I love using sports as an excuse to go out and get drunk. Back before the days of getting drunk, I needed a way to express my bandwagonism. And that’s where starter jackets came in. I had a Notre Dame one for some fucking reason, then all of my sister’s hand-me-downs. I stopped wearing them after a nightmare I had that I was putting one on and my head got stuck in the sleeve, and I was suffocating. When I awoke, I was head first in my pillow, gasping for air. True story.
  • Umbros: I sucked at sports. But at least I was fashionable in gym class with these bad boys. They felt kind of like you were wearing a tarp around your ass, but they had a cool triangle pattern on the bottom. On gym days, I would take the same beat up Limited Too or Gap bags I used repeatedly to make my family look less poor, and stuff my Umbro’s in them and be on my way.
  • Jelly Shoes: These were all the rage. But they gave the worst fucking blisters ever. It hurts to be beautiful when you’re 8 years old.
  • Water Shoes: Today, when I go to the beach and see people wearing these, I want to punch them in the fucking face. These are the fugliest things ever made, not counting pajama jeans. There is a picture of me with all my cousins when I am about 7 years old wearing normal children’s clothes, but on my feet are hot pink and turquoise water shoes, I was disgusted. I was wearing water shoes with normal clothes. Why?
  • JNCO Jeans: Did you ever have the desire to date a wigger? Me neither. Gross. So why the fuck did guys wear JNCO jeans? I remember my brother asking my mom to buy him some. He was a chubby white kid from the suburbs. Like…what?
  • Plaid Flares: Sometimes I admire my dad so much, that I just want to pay tribute to what his style was like in the 70’s. That’s why, when plaid flares made a comeback around 2002, I was all over those babies.
  • Snap Pants: Have you ever been pants’ed? I have. In the cafeteria in 11th grade by a fat kid. That’s why I swore off snap pants from that day forward.
  • Velour Track Suits: Sometimes you just feel like white trash. And sometimes you want to show the world you are white trash. That’s why someone by the name of Velour T. Suit invented something call the velour track suit. They come in various colors, my friend Barney prefers blue, but any color will give off the perfect white trash effect to let others know that you are of a descendant of South Boston.
  • Gap Sweatshirts: I can’t think of a better way to express yourself as an individual than by sporting a Gap sweatshirt. Gap sweatshirts were the best way during those awkward preteen years to say “Hey, my name is Molly, and I like the color blue. I’m different than the guy next to me who likes the color gray, and I’m proud”. Dare to be different guys. Keep reaching for your individuality. Like that quote I saw numerous times on various people’s Facebook status’s said: “You are born an individual, don’t die a copy”…or some shit like that. Don’t quote me on it.
  • Best Friends Necklaces: What is the best way to tell other girls in your class to stay the fuck away from your BFFL? By having your mom drive your 3rd grade ass to the mall, hitting up a Claire’s, and purchasing a best friends necklace. Now you own your best friend. For-ev-er. For-ev-er. FOR-EVVVV-ERRRR (read those “forevers” in Squints’s voice from the Sandlot for effect). Or I could also say you own your best friendS, since they came out with a three-way best friends necklace, too. And the good news is they last almost a whole week before they turn your neck green and your friendship expires! Well, that concludes this entry on whack ass trends. It really made me realize how cool I was back when I wore most of this shit. It also reminds me that even though my family wasn’t rich, I was still spoiled. And for that I dedicate this list to my dad, Supervisor of mailmen. Thanks for spending 12 hours a day in a post office firing mailmen or whatever it is you do to help me keep up with all these bullshit fads. I hope one day, I will learn from you for once and be a little less materialistic.
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8 Responses to “Whack Ass Trends”

  1. Vanessa Bianca December 1, 2011 at 5:38 pm #

    OMG I loved my Steve Madden Platforms and Jelly Shoes! LOL.

  2. Kathleen December 1, 2011 at 5:48 pm #

    I bet I could find a pic of myself with Steve Madden platforms, sparkly jeans, a gap sweatshirt and butterfly clips in my hair, no joke.

  3. jessie December 1, 2011 at 6:19 pm #

    i have to say i sported JNCO jeans all the time, being the tomboy so therefor never sported the maddens but i remember laughing at a girl in gym for falling off them. hysterical. tanda unfortunately sports sparkle jeans all the time.

  4. Katlyne December 2, 2011 at 9:48 pm #

    Whats funny is christmas circa 95′ Katie, Angelina, Stephanie and I all had matching Norte Dame starter jacket. (and I still love my Gap hoodie…but only with all white shell-toes) lol

  5. Sheila March 15, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

    These are almost the same as the steve madden platform shoes, they’re just boots instead: http://is-mental.blogspot.com/2009/07/not-so-reformed-club-kid.html

    I could never wear the platform shoes because I was already awkwardly taller than all the boys without heels.

  6. Sheila March 15, 2012 at 8:18 pm #

    Found another one: http://is-mental.blogspot.com/2009/07/not-so-reformed-club-kid.html

  7. Sheila March 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm #

    Whoops, pasted the same link again. Here is the other picture of steve madden platforms: http://img1.etsystatic.com/il_fullxfull.301752389.jpg

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