Deal breakers

2 Dec

Hi Girls & Guys,

Tonight I am up drinking several glasses of wine thinking about something that my favorite “doctor”, Dr. Phil calls “deal breakers”. This should not be a new concept to you, and if you don’t know what a deal breaker is, you’re fucking stupid and I suggest you pay close attention to this entry. Basically, a deal breaker is the last reason to cause someone to break things off with a potential love interest, you know, “that catch”. For example, you met a guy that has potential and is boyfriend material, but then he slept over and shit in your bed and one thing you really can’t stand is a dook in your bed. For you, this might be the dookie that stained the satin sheet, the last straw. I think everyone should have a list of deal breakers that serves as a guideline for the standard they are looking for in a mate. If you want to know some more examples from my list, read on…because I’m a genius who wants to help you.

  • He/She has a Myspace, and no Facebook: Some people think that social networking is just a creepy phenomenon that they don’t want any part of. That is fine, and makes a lot of sense since sometimes I find myself on someone’s Facey creeping and I stop for a minute and think, “Woah, where am I? Who the fuck is this person? How did I get to this place? This person and I don’t even have a mutual friend! Why am I fucking weird?” Then I feel like I should delete my history so people won’t know I’m a stalker. But I think this is a normal feeling that we all feel if we are on a social networking site. I mean, wouldn’t it be so much weirder and serial killer-ish if we were on Myspace creeping instead of Facebook? You see, the deal breaker is when someone has a Myspace, but no Facebook. I signed into Myspace about a year ago to delete it and save all of my pictures from high school, and as soon as I signed in I felt like I was in a dark alley on the bad side of town. And that alley smelled like virtual urine and sadness. And checking my inbox was the equivalent to a molester with Dr. Phil’s mustache jumping out of the alleyway trashcan. I got what I needed from that dark space and signed the fuck off forever. If he/she has a Myspace, you need to ask yourself the questions, “What are they doing on Myspace?”, “Are they from a broken home seeking any shelter that will take them?”, and most importantly, “Are they a molester with a Dr. Phil mustache?”. And don’t get it twisted, someone without a Facebook is just a normal, probably friendless, person. If they have a Myspace and no Facebook: deal breaker. Run.
  • He/She loves horses (a lot): It’s okay in today’s society to enjoy riding and admiring horses. Personally, I don’t give a shit about horses. But everyone meets someone in their lifetime who likes horses TOO much. And that’s when it unhealthy. Last winter I went on a snowboarding trip with my boyfriend and some friends. Our friends brought some other friends who we didn’t know. I wasn’t really excited about this, because I already have too many friends and I just didn’t have anything to goddamn say to these people who were probably weird. My intuition didn’t fail me. As soon as this one chick started talking to me it dawned on me: we were snowed in, in New Hampshire, with a horse lover. She talked about brushing her horse, and where her horse lived, and how much money it cost to have her horse but she didn’t care how much her parents went bankrupt, she would keep this horse forever. And I wondered to myself while I began to ignore her, “How is the guy who this horse fucker came here with, dating her?”, “Does he know about what’s going on between her and the horse?”, “Should I call the cops right now?”. The point is, if the person  ranges on the extreme side of the horse lover continuum, this is a deal breaker.
  • He/She enjoys Nickelback: In my opinion, which is never wrong, the kind of music a person listens to can be defining. For example, I love a wide range of music such as, the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Coldplay (stop judging me), Foo Fighters, Hanson (I said stop judging), Frank Sinatra, and pretty much the best music ever made. I would say that my taste in music is “deal break proof”, because usually, I enjoy the same music guys enjoy except I fucking hate Metallica. But very rarely, you come across someone so corny, and so ignorant, that their band of choice…is Nickelback. Yup…look at this photograph, every time I do it makes me puke. Those guys. These people might not let on that they like Nickelback early on in the relationship, but there are warning signs, like they like Chris Daughtry or Creed. If they ever hint to you that they like that kind of music, be blunt and ask them…”So what do you think about Nickelback?” You might have to lie to trap them by saying, “I’m kind of digging that one shitty song by Nickelback lately”. If they fall into the trap, leave them there.
  • He/She doesn’t get with yo friends: And by this, I don’t mean you want him/her to hook up with your friends. What I mean is, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never endssssss”, and shit like that. If you are seeing someone who doesn’t like your friends, or more importantly, who your friends don’t like, then it’s the biggest deal breaker in the fuckin’ book! Unless of course, your friends are imbeciles, which is pretty common. Now, don’t go wasting your precious time. Tell he/she to get themself together and it will be just fine. Then tell them what you want, what you really, really want. And that’s for them to get with your friends, and give you money.
  • He/She didn’t have a favorite Power Ranger: Every kid growing up in the 90’s liked Power Rangers. If not, you are probably a distant relative of Jeffrey Dahmer. Every kid also had a favorite Power Ranger. Mine was the pink one, Kimberly, because like, you know, I was a white girl from the suburbs. Remember the episode when the green ranger, Tommy, transformed into the white ranger? That was so intense. I think an alpha male would be either a white ranger fan, or a red ranger fan. Some people are even fans of the putties, and that means they are evil, but at least they have someone to identify with. Your fave Power Ranger also defines who you morph into when your shitfaced. I feel kind of sorry for any yellow ranger fans out there, because the yellow ranger died…so who do they identify with now? That’s how important a favorite Power Ranger is. It’s like a zodiac sign…bullshit and meaningless but without a favorite Power Ranger, well, you’re just doomed. To date someone who has no favorite is a deal breaker. Sorry.
  • He/She genuinely likes Tony Danza or Judith Light: This is a deal breaker I just adopted from a friend about five seconds ago when I ran out of ideas, but it’s something that I suddenly feel very strongly about. If you are dating someone who genuinely likes Tony Danza or Judith Light (Angela from Who’s The Boss, dumbass), then maybe it’s time to tell this person to hit the road, or bite the curb. Because they aren’t talented, and neither is the person you were about to date.

Okay, there it is. My deal breakers. Go ahead and use them as your red flags. Just make sure you be sure to tell people that it was my idea, don’t take credit. Maybe throw in cheating, stealing, committing fraud, bigamy, and other stuff like that just to be safe. I don’t know. I would have written a longer conclusion to this shit…but I am fucking tired, and a little buzzed from that wine. Until I feel like writing again, be alert and raise your standards. You are important, and loved, and you even might be respected.



2 Responses to “Deal breakers”

  1. jessie December 2, 2011 at 4:15 pm #

    you forgot men who pee sitting down! i think its the most immasculin thing ever. i’ve had lengthy discussions with my boys on the importance of standing to pee!!!

  2. Victim of imbeciles August 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    Define imbeciles lol plz!

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