The Apocalypse Checklist

2 Dec

Bad news everyone. The Mayan calendar ends in a little over a year. We’re all going to die and then go to hell. Or…we could fight the apocalypse. I’ve been researching for 2 minutes about the end of the world and I realized that we are going to have to be prepared for it. Of course we need to have guns, ammunition, canned goods, clean water, a first aid kid, and condoms. But there is a lot of less obvious but just as important shit that we are going to need for doomsday. The best way to ensure you have absolutely everything you need is by following my Apocalypse Preparation Pack checklist. Read on!

  • John Cusack: First and foremost, we need to recruit a professional. John Cusack has been through doomsday in the movie about the end of the world. He knows what he’s doing and we need a leader. We have seen him dodge a million natural disasters on the big screen already, so we have faith in him. And he has a boombox.
  • Me: If we don’t have me, who is going to give you these informative lists about surviving apocalypses/whack ass trends/Barney & Doug Funnie updates? John Cusack can’t, he’s going to be too busy punching tsunamis in the face. You need me in the post apocalyptic world. Trust me. My dad has the perfect man cave in my basement that he built himself. It has a fridge, beer, a big screen, leather couches, and framed pictures of Ronald Reagan and the 3 stooges. It can fit about 10 of the most useful people in it. I can also hold onto all of the money for safe keeping.
  • A deep fryer: We have canned goods in our man cave, now we need to deep fry whatever is in those canned goods. Maybe we will get lucky and find a surviving chicken roaming in the rubble. A deep fryer is important. What’s the point of saving the world so we don’t go to hell if we don’t have fried foods? The answer is: there is no point.
  • The entire series of Growing Pains on DVD: We have a big screen television in our shelter, but we don’t have anything to watch because everyone is dead and can’t create television shows anymore. So we need an 1980’s series that will keep us entertained for a long time and that we can watch repeatedly and has a character named “Boner”. Growing Pains fits this description perfectly. Plus we can watch my boyfriend, Leonardo DiCaprio, from when he was a teen heartthrob.
  • Celine Dion Greatest Hits: We need a compact disc of Celine Dion’s greatest hits. When we are feeling melancholy, we need to belt out those high notes with Celine. And we need Celine to show us the way.
  • Nunchucks: If we run into any survivors, we need to let them know that we are ninjas. We could just shoot these people if they pose a threat, because we have guns, but why not off them in a cooler way? If you are going to be a murderer, you might as well be a murderer with the skills of a ninja turtle.
  • Whiskey: No, I’m not an old man and I don’t enjoy whiskey. But I like to get drunk and we don’t have enough room in our man cave shelter fridge for beers. Plus, whiskey is useful for more than just getting shitted. Whiskey is also something that we can put on gunshot wounds if we accidentally shoot ourselves/each other.
  • Police Force: John Cusack can’t do everything. We need someone to help maintain the order of the 10 people in the man cave. Therefore, we need our own police force. We need someone who has worn the uniform before, but we can’t ignore affirmative action. Don’t worry, I found the PERFECT candidate who meets our force’s quota:
  • Taboo: We need a fun game to play while we are drinking whiskey. The game Taboo is the best drinking game ever and a must for the people who are going to be running the world after surviving doomsday. Not to mention, this game also points out all of the smartest and most clever people. We need to know who the smartest people are when we do our post-apocalyptic hiring.
  • Charlie Sheen: I know everyone is sick of hearing about Charlie, but we need a drug dealer and I think he fits the bill. I also like his “winning” attitude.
  • Lisa Frank Products: This isn’t completely necessary, but I just don’t want to forget those vivid pictures of rainbows and unicorns. And when we score acid from Charlie, we can look at our Lisa Frank stationary for 5 hours.
  • Precious Moments Statues: These statues aren’t just glass figurines that you can throw in the fucking trash. They represent our milestones Goddamnit! They can also be used as weapons when we can’t find our nunchucks.
  • Beanie Babies: This shits worth something and can be used as the new currency while I hold onto the old currency. Plus, we want to remember Princess Di.
  • Magic Johnson: We are going to need a spokesperson to raise AIDS awareness.

Okay, it’s Friday afternoon and the closer I get to punching out, the more ridiculous my list gets. On that note, treat this list like a treasure hunt. The deadline is 12/21/12, the end of the Mayan calendar. Good luck! I love you all!



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