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Just Sayin’

3 Dec

I’m getting sick of this shit people say on Facebook. And it needs to stop now. I am making it illegal to say any of the following phrases below, because, well… I SAID SO.

  • Just sayin’: Do you know what “just sayin'” means? It means you’re saying something bitchy, then trying to negate the bitchiness out of it. Instead of saying “I hate people who can’t give me the correct change at Dunkin Donuts because that means they don’t know how to subtract and that means they aren’t educated and that means they are poor…just sayin’!”, why don’t you just say “Maybe I need to tone down the bitch”. Just sayin’!
  • SMH: Oh so you’re shaking your head in disgust? Actually you’re lying. You’re typing and pretending to be appalled, because guess fucking what, it’s not easy to type and physically shake your head at the same time. It’s almost the equivalent of rubbing your belly and head at the exact same time. Take it easy Pinocchio, not only are you a liar but you are taking it way too far with the acronyms. Are we writing a note to our BFFL? “Oh hey, sup? N/2/M/G/O/H! Just in class writing you a note! Well, T/T/Y/L! & L/Y/L/A/S! <3ME – you’re corny ignorant whack ass friend (PS: W/B/S or I’ll kill myself!)”.
  • Jelly: Really? I’m peanut butter, want to meet up, late night? You know, I actually feel kind of hyprocritical listing this word, because I say “Jel”, but that’s just because I’m lazy, not ridiculous.
  • The Serenity Prayer: I get it, you’re sober now and staying in tonight after the meeting. Get some tact and call your sponsor next time you get the urge to recite prayers. Or go to a busy establishment filled with hundreds of acquaintances and scream, “I USED TO DO DRUGS & SINCE LAST WEDNESDAY WHEN I HIT MY BOTTOM, I DON’T!”. Then maybe you’ll get encouragement. God grant me the serenity to not worry about people who stop writing what day of sobriety they are on when their status update count stops, because it’s a classic sign of relapse. Ugh, I’m going to get so much shit for listing this.
  • K, thanks, bye: You sure are SO virtually intimidating to whoever you are speaking to, probably a stranger who farted on the same train cart you’re sitting in. “Dear fat guy sitting near me, if you need to fart, can you please wait until you get off the train because I might puke up the shit I ate for breakfast. K, thanks, bye.” 
  • Feeling so lucky: Britney Spears felt “lucky” to the
    point of writing about it, too… until she had a mental breakdown in front of the entire world. Stop pushing your luck by bragging about it via the internet. 
  • Yeah, Buddy!: Maybe you should write an essay about your hero, or just tweet him @DJPaulyD.
  • Gym: No wonder you idolize Pauly D, you are SO active. Can you tell me what your routine is? Nevermind, I don’t want you to fall off the treadmill while you’re updating your status and  speed walking. Maybe I’ll rob your house while I know you’re not home.
  • An entire day’s worth of your activities: Example: “Writing a 3 page paper for my Lit class, taking the dog out back to poo, then some MUCH needed girl time before I cry myself to sleep”. Oh.My.Lanta. You are SO busy! Can I write your biography? I’ll pay you money if I can. There is just so much useless material to work with to not write your biography. I’ve also attached an activity log below for you to print and use so you save up the space on my newsfeed. K, thanks, bye. 

Do me a kindness from now on before you hit “update status”: Ask yourself the question, “Is this funny or helpful to other people?”. You need to give a social network community what they want to hear. Things that people want to hear are funny things that happened to you, or all of you and your significant other’s dirty laundry. Statuses that tell us how you really feel when you aren’t sober are funny, too (unless the status before it was the Serenity Prayer). If you can’t provide what we want to hear, then spare us.

XOXO <3Molly

*Special thanks to my mentor MM. Also thanks to: JM, LM, OP… & Carney.

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One Response to “Just Sayin’”

  1. Sam March 26, 2012 at 12:02 am #

    Hang up the FaceBook then, people act like self-entitled pricks there. It is nothing but a bunch of mirror-gazing. You won’t miss it. Just sayin…

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