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“Conversation Killers” by guest blogger Brian Marsters

5 Dec
Conversations with your friends are supposed to be among the more enjoyable things in life.  And for the most part, they are.  There’s smiles, laughter, perhaps some poignant emotional revelations…but there are also those moments where you find yourself saying “Why am I even friends with this person?  They are clearly insane/a douchebag/a whiny little bitch.”  Most of those moments come when your friend will broach a subject that they complain about all of the time, to whoever will listen.  Complaints that you hear so much, they make you want to scream “So do something about it!”  Today I’m going to share with you some of the conversation subjects that piss me off the most, so that maybe next time around you won’t bitch about them in my presence.
-“My boyfriend/girlfriend sucks!”
We all have friends that absolutely hate their significant other.  I understand that every couple has moments where they don’t get along and have spats.  That’s only natural and probably healthy.  But if you hit a time where your complaints about your partner far outweight the loving compliments you give them, it’s probably time to cut and run.  NO, it’s not normal for your partner to constantly demean you.  NO, it’s not normal for your girlfriend to have a bunch of guy friends that she never, ever wants you to meet.  NO, it’s not normal to be paying your boyfriend’s half of the rent for the month because he blew his McDonald’s paycheck on blow.  None of it’s normal, and I don’t want to hear about it anymore.
-“Why aren’t there any nice guys out there?”
This is a bit like the last one, only more specifically geared towards single females.  Listen, there are plenty of nice guys out there.  I like to consider myself to be one of them, so don’t say this in front of me.  It’s like you’re either calling me ugly or a douche right to my face, and I’m not sure which is worse.  You’re choosing to date assholes because you think you can change them.  Then you’re shocked when he doesn’t call you after being out with his friends all night.  Or when you find out he’s banging your slutty friend behind your back.  Nobody feels bad for you, stop bitching and try dating a guy who doesn’t pop his collar up or refer to his car as his “baby.”
-“There’s nothing good on TV anymore.”
Oh, really?  Did you watch Friday Night Lights?  No?  How about Terriers?  Also negative?  Well do you watch Parks and Recreation?  That’s still on!  “No…I don’t have time to watch much TV so I don’t know what these shows are.”  But, you just complained that there was nothing on TV!  If you were really as busy as you claim (Which you’re not, you just think it sounds cool to be too busy for something), you wouldn’t care enough to complain about this twice a week.  The shows I mentioned are all fantastic and have been cancelled/are going to be cancelled due to low ratings.  So how about instead of complaining to me about the lack of shows to watch, you actually support the good ones instead of tuning into Two and a Half Men or Celebrity Rehab every week.
-“My job sucks!”
Now, I have friends who legitimately have shitty jobs and are trying their best to get out of them.  I’m not talking about them here.  I’m talking about those folks who are complaining about their jobs for the simple fact that it involves them doing…you know, work.  These people are so lazy and useless in all other aspects of their lives that it’s hard to feel bad when they moan about how busy it is at work.  To them, anything that involves more effort than walking up to the bar to order another Coors Light is too much work.  So it’s hard to take anything they say seriously.
-“I hate living with my parents!”
Yeah, not paying rent, free meals nightly, more money to go out and indulge in what I’m assuming is a crippling alcohol addiction…sounds like hell on earth to me!
-“I can’t believe Kim Kardashian got divorced/Bieber got a haircut/Jessica Simpson is fat!”
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  Kindly fuck yourself.  I do not want to hear about celebrity gossip.  You don’t know these people.  These people don’t care about you in the least.  Stop caring about them.  Spend more time with your family and friends.  Develop a hobby.  Collect stamps.  Kick rocks.  Just, for the love of god, stop religiously following the lives of people who don’t deserve to be famous in the first place. (For the record, I don’t think Jessica Simpson is fat…it’s just one of those comments that boggles my mind.)
So there you have it.  I’m sure I won’t have to listen to anybody complain about these things anymore.  Because this blog post has caused me to lose all of my friends.  It’s been nice knowing you all.
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