School Dances

6 Dec

Sometimes I listen to a certain song and it brings me back to 1999. And I wish I could just go back in time to middle school St. Ann’s/Knights of Columbus dances and slow dance…with a 14 year old boy, in a sweaty gymnasium, hands on hips, with 2 feet of distance between us, turning in awkward circles. You probably get the same nostalgic feelings when you hear these same songs on Bedtime Magic with David Allen Boucher. Just close your eyes creepily at your desk at work, and imagine….

  • “Tell Me It’s Real” – K-Ci & Jojo: Tell me it’s real, this feeling that I feel…until 3 minutes later when the song ends  and I’m bailing on this immature 7th grader and dancing with an older man, 14 years old from private school. Let’s make this special love last forever more. Or until 10pm, I don’t want to get grounded.
  • “God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You” – *NSYNC: How can it be that right here with me, there’s an angel? It’s a miracle. The barber must have also spent a little more time on you boy, because those frosted tips are what’s up.
  • “Angel of Mine”- Monica: I look awkwardly at you, not looking at me…now I know why they say the best things are free…well the dance ticket cost $7 bucks, but almost free.
  • “I’ll Make Love to You”- Boys II Men: I’d pour the wine and light the fire, by I won’t start drinking until I’m at least 15 and I don’t fuck around with matches while we’re in a school gymnasium. But maybe you could get me a soda and we can hold sweaty hands?
  • “Back at One” – Brian McKnight: Cause you know you got the keys to my heart…in 2 years…when you get your driver’s permit.
  • “The Boy is Mine” -Brandy  & Monica: I’m sorry but you seem to be confused…the boy is mine. He asked me out in second period yesterday via note. He even signed a heart next to his name, so stay the fuck away from my boyfriend when I’m in the little girls room freshening up (aka downing myself with Cucumber Melon Bath and Body Works spray and applying glitter to my eyelids).
  • “Crazy”- K-Ci & Jojo: Oh em gee! Another slow song is starting and I can’t find my boyfriend! I hope this isn’t the last one of the night or my life is OVER. Now I have to frantically search the gym looking for him while all the other couples dance! I’m going crazy, crazy, crazy, just a thinkin’ about you baby. Oh, nevermind, he was just getting me a Coca Cola on the rocks. Thank God.
  • “Truly Madly Deeply” -Savage Garden: What a romantic song. Except I’m afraid of heights, so I don’t want to stand with you on a mountain. And bathing with you in the sea would be too creepy. But I do want to stand awkwardly here like this until the dance is over.
  • “Cotton Eye Joe”- Rednex: I refuse to participate in this bullshit. Sitting this one OUT. And if my boyfriend dances to it, it’s OVER.
  • “All My Life”- K-Ci & Jojo: All my 13 years of life, I’ve prayed for someone like you, or Zac Hanson. And I thank God, that I finally found you…since my last boyfriend dumped me for an 8th grade girl. K-Ci and Jojo totally get our relationship. This is so our song. I don’t care if 57 other couples slow dancing around us claimed it first.

On second thought, I had pretty bad acne back in middle school…maybe I won’t time travel to ’99 after all. But I’ll tell you one thing, I hope K-Ci & Jojo got at least one Teen Choice Award in their lifetime.


3 Responses to “School Dances”

  1. Berkley December 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm #

    haha you crack me up! love your blog

  2. Kristen December 6, 2011 at 9:14 pm #

    Whenever I hear the intro to “On Bended Me” I automatically feel 14 and awkward again. Except I’m 29. And still awk.

  3. KerriAnne Vialpando December 6, 2011 at 11:46 pm #

    Since you were always grounded and lived half the St. Annes dances vicariously through me I should have been consulted before this list was put together!!! That being said you did an ok job… 70% of these where me and a boys “song” at central… but what about 2 become 1… what about I’ll Never Break Your Heart… This I Promise You… I Drive Myself Crazy…

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