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Pro’s & Con’s of Being a Lazy Douche

8 Dec

Sometimes in life, like probably 94% of it, I just want to be a lazy douche. There are so many advantages to it. Lazy douches, just get to lay there and be. There are also disadvantages, like the word “douche” being attached. But is that really enough of a disadvantage to make you not want to be one? I guess that just depends on how you weigh the pro’s and con’s. Here are some pro’s to being a lazy douche:

  • You can shamelessly drive a Hover Round: Yup. You don’t have to walk. You can just sit all day and control your whereabouts with this motorized wheelchair. But the Hover Round is way more fashionable than a regular wheelchair. And don’t think that just because you’re using one, that you are limited to just level terrain. These bad boys can make it to the Grand fucking Canyon. Handicapped? Nope, just a lazy piece of shit. If you’re parents are rich (because you probably don’t work), you can have them buy you one of those staircase wheelchair things. Look at the joy in the eyes of these elderly people:
  • You can eat steak and cheese subs in bed: Isn’t a steak and cheese sandwich the epitome of lazy? It’s just the slob of sandwiches. And beds are also the epitome of lazy, because you just lay in them. So if you combine these two forces, and prop yourself into a sitting position with some pillows, you can just have your steak and cheese sub from the comfort of your own bed.
  • You can find out the results of paternity tests: You are lazy so what do you think you are watching while you eat your steak and cheese in bed? Maury, Steve Wilkos, Jerry, The Price is Right, Wendy Williams, & Divorce Court. It’s the television lineup of all the greatest lazy douchebags known to man. Just make sure to completely ignore those commercials  that tell you to get up and call ITT Tech. DON’T MAKE THE PHONE CALL. Seriously, it takes effort to dial and you don’t want to put your lazy ass at risk for Carpal Tunnel.
  • You can drink non diet soda: You ever go to order something that is so bad for you, and then you can’t decide what you want to wash it down with, then you say, “Well, I don’t want to look like a fat ass or anything, I’ll take a large diet Coke.”? You don’t have to worry about that issue anymore. You can just not give a shit and order an extra large Coke. You’re a douche, what do you care? And if the person taking your order gives you a judgmental look, you can just say, “Thank God Quincy has two Burger King’s…I’ll go to the one with the compassionate staff next time.”
  • You can “sit this one out” at weddings: You hate the Cotton Eye Joe, so why pretend you’re not a lazy douchebag? Take a seat. The people dancing aren’t really having fun anyways. Look at them! Miserable. Be a wallflower and maybe you can scope out the man or women of your dreams from your chair. He or she is probably sitting right across from you. Perfect.
  • You can utilize infomercial products: Why would you want to reach for an object that is too high up for you to get? You could just purchase The Gopher to reach things for you. You can also get a Roomba to clean your parent’s house for you. Roombas are also entertaining to fuck with. I wouldn’t know because I don’t even own one, but I imagine throwing Mighty Putty at it would be funny, because it’s a robot and can’t get angry. Best part is you can get 2 for the price of 1 for most products if you call now, have someone else dial for you though. And remember, don’t by a Snuggie or Pajama Jeans, just because you’re a lazy douchebag doesn’t mean you’re not fashionable.Okay, now that you know the pro’s of laziness. It’s time to tell you about the con of being a lazy douche. It’s why I refuse to live out my desire to be one. I don’t feel like typing anymore, so I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves.
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One Response to “Pro’s & Con’s of Being a Lazy Douche”

  1. Ricky Vaneck December 9, 2011 at 4:39 am #

    nice post thanks.

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