Slumber Party

19 Dec

Do you ever just want to call up all your girlfriends on a Friday night for an old school sleepover? And by “sleepover”, I don’t mean you’re too drunk to drive home so you’re just passing out on your friend’s bedroom floor. By “sleepover” I mean you do the following weird shit:

  • Play “Light as a feather, stiff as a board”: After watching the movie, “The Craft” for the 47th time, you need to take turns lifting one of the members of your party using only 2 fingers on each hand. And you need to not ask questions, because party levitation is just something that girl’s do at slumber parties. Because, you know, it’s normal for little girl’s to play dead and have all of your friends chant creepily, while attempting to lift your weightless carcass.
  • Eat a shitload of food: You’re feeling pretty skinny after almost being lifted up by 7 of your girlfriends with only 2 fingers per hand. It’s time to eat a shit ton of bad food that will give you acne and make you cry yourself to sleep from 6th-8th grade. Here is a real life example provided by my best friend Messica and myself of the kind of bad food you need to eat:
  • Have a dancing contest: Make your sleepover ultra corny by having a Caucasian style dance/singing contest to music artists such as: Hanson, *NSync, The Spice Girls, or The Backstreet Boys. In 7th grade, my friend *Alicia and I won the dance party at her slumber party while dancing to *NSync’s “Digital get Down”. Being a cheerleader for the West Quincy Elks, it’s safe to say Alicia’s moves carried the team. Or maybe we won due to a sympathy vote, because I can’t dance.
  • Write letters to boy bands: After your dance contest, you start to get sad that you aren’t dating the musical artist you danced to. So you and your girls can flip to the back pages of Tiger Beat magazine and find your crush’s PO Box, and write a letter. Here’s a template just to get you started: “Dear Zac Hanson, me and my friends are like so totally in love with you. And it’s not just because of your long, blonde locks. It’s also because you’re such a deep artist. Here’s some constructive criticism: Next time you sing the song “Lucy”, you should replace the name with “Molly”. It’s a more popular name, and something I can relate to. I also want you to know that even though my best friend loves you too, she forgot your birthday last week and that’s something I would never do. Just something to keep in mind. Please write back as soon as possible because if you don’t I’ll cry myself to sleep or take all the pills in my medicine cabinet. Love always and forever and ever, your future wife, Molly. PS: Marry me? Say yes.”
  • Play Bloody Mary: Before the name “Bloody Mary” was what you called a mixture of vodka and tomato juice, it was a game you played at your sleepovers during the 90’s. You stand in front of a mirror, in a candlelit room, with your friends and chant “Bloody Mary”, who is supposedly some scorned, infertile woman. After the 3rd time you say her name, a vision of Bloody Mary appears in the mirror, reaches out and rips your face off/scratches your eyeballs out. I don’t really understand the point of this game, I guess it’s just to find out who your ballsiest friend is. I doubt kids play this game anymore… Mary probably keeps to herself now due to all the anti-bullying campaigns. Pussies.
  • Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s variation of the game “Bloody Mary” is called “Biggie Smalls”. Same kind of deal, only with a dead rapper who wasn’t infertile by any means, just a shitty father (which is a problem roughly 50% of your friends can relate to, and that statistic is increasing). Chant his name 3 times and Biggie Smalls appears in the mirror, challenges you to a rap battle, wins, then shoots you in the face.
  • Play a lighthearted game: Time to break out the Girl Talk! I forget the entire point of the game, I think it’s just truth or dare only you pay Milton Bradley to play, then you have to put zit stickers all over your real zits. You go, girl!
  • Break out the Ouija Board: I used to watch my older sister and her friends play this game at her birthday parties (my friends didn’t play because we were too busy writing unanswered letters to Hanson to summon answers from dead people). You all put your fingers on the “planchette”, which I didn’t know was called a planchette until 5 seconds ago when I Googled it. You then ask dead people questions, and the planchette moves, pointing to letters that spell out the dead’s answers. You can also ask yes or no questions. I think the ultimate slumber party experience would be to play “Biggie Smalls” at the same time you play Ouija board, and ask Biggie who shot Tupac.
  • 3 Way Call Attack: Back in the day when bullying was socially acceptable, there was a phenomenon known to girls as “the 3 way call attack”. During a 3 way call attack, you and your girlfriend could be talking to each other on the phone, and then click over to another line to call someone else and connect all 3 of you on 1 call. This was a great way for girl’s to get bitchy with one another by provoking another friend to shit talk without knowing the girl they are talking about is on the phone. You can also use this to harass boys into finding out who they have a crush on, without them knowing their crush is listening in. The 3 way call attack was probably the reason I lost faith in humanity back in middle school. Yay!

Make Overs: A sleepover is a great excuse to tell each other how you really feel about one another’s physical attributes. Look, your girlfriends aren’t being catty, they are only trying to help. Break out the bright pink with sparkles, Wet N Wild, 99 cent make up, because it is make over time! At least your not as ugly as Bloody Mary. Maybe that’s why the bitch couldn’t reproduce…

Okay ladies, that’s the perfect combination of weird shit to do at your sleepover. If your over 21, add some wine. If your under 21, sneak some wine coolers. I think if you do all those things, it will be the sleepover event of the year. Have fun and your party might look something like this if you do it the right way: PS: I called it first, I’m Belle!


One Response to “Slumber Party”

  1. Denise McDonuts December 19, 2011 at 9:11 pm #

    Pretty sure i just peed laughing! I am in braintree can i come to your next sleep over because I totally love Light as a feather stiff as a board!
    And I still have not got my letter back from NKOTB

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