Stop Eating Paint Chips and Learn How to Drive

19 Dec

Here’s another blog entry by my Mystery Blogger. I’m sure 100% of you could all relate just from reading the title. I definitely could after some old, douchebag driving a PT Cruiser backed up into me while she was attempting to go through a Do Not Enter this weekend. I was just excited it was my first non-at fault accident. Enjoy!

Stop Eating Paint Chips and Learn How to Drive
By: ???????
            Driving a vehicle is not a hard thing to do. Let me revise that, for a normal person with a semi-working brain, driving should not be all that difficult. However, throughout my day I encounter some of the dumbest, inconsiderate and ignorant people that the DMV ever allowed to inhabit the same roads as normal functioning adults. I’m sure many of you feel the same way, when you get that angry feeling and your knuckles go white from gripping the steering wheel too tight. When your brain runs through every vulgar and obscene thought about violently dismembering the sub par human in front of you that completely disregards all sense of intelligence and accountability on the road. Here are just a few of the many examples of those stupid things those stupid people do.
            Holding the fast lane hostage:  Everyone knows that the far left lane on the highway is the fast lane, also called the passing lane. The speed limit is 60 and some asshole is going 52 in the far left lane. The middle lane and right lanes are going just as slow, if not a little bit faster but this douche thinks that he owns the road, and he is going as fast as he needs to go. It usually happens while you’re running late, or traveling a far distance. The best bet to rid this hostage taker is to get behind him and see how long your car can beep its horn before it dies, hopefully he moves over before that happens.
            Stopping at a yield sign: I’m not sure if having the ability to read is required to get your license, but apparently who’s ever is charge really couldn’t care either way. I have no problem abiding by the rules of the road; I have no problem stopping at a stop sign. However, I do have a problem with stopping at a yield sign. It says yield, not Stop! I’m not opening a dictionary or anything, but I’m assuming that yield does not mean the same thing as stop, or they wouldn’t have two different signs. I wish I had a battering ram sometimes situated at the front of my car so I could just push people when they sit at an on-ramp to a highway trying to just hop into 60 mph traffic.
            When I say go…GO!: For the love of God do people ever like to pay attention! When its rush hour traffic and I’m waving at you to go, please just go. I’m being the nice one here for a change, and I am granting you permission to continue your journey home to whatever sad existence you call life. I’ve waved you on at least 10 times and I’m starting to look like a baseball coach giving out signs for a double steal suicide bunt play. Now the people behind me are angry and beeping their horns so I give up on letting you go and I decide to drive, but this dumbass has such a soft skull that he decides now is finally the time to go….of course he does.
            Learn your colors: Have you even been sitting pretty far back at a traffic light, watch it turn green and then back to red before you get to move your car? If these people were simply half paying attention than this wouldn’t happen, it’s like watching some sick game of slow motion dominoes. “Only three more lights to go till we get there,” you say to yourself.
            Get directions somewhere else: I’m so sorry to hear that you’re lost, but stopping in the middle of the road to ask someone on the sidewalk for directions is not the thing to do, especially when you’re backing up a busy road. They are called gas stations and more often than not someone there will know exactly how to get you to your destination.
            I hate old people: If there is a law saying that someone can be too young to drive, than there also should be a law saying that someone is too old to drive. We’ve all seen her, a lady twice the age of our grandmother with the thickest Mr. Magoo glasses ever made. She sits mere inches away from the steering wheel and dangerously close to an airbag that would turn her to dust if it went off. She can barely walk, yet for some reason someone hasn’t taken away her crown vic keys. She is either going 2 mph in front of you holding up traffic, or she is barreling down the wrong way of a one way with road complete disregard of her surroundings.
            Stop staring at me: It’s not my fault that you drive like a complete fool, so when I have to pass you or need to beep at you because you almost hit me, don’t stare at me as I drive by you. It’s like these people are trying to get a permanent mental image of your face in case they see you again. In reality they already aren’t paying that much attention to the road, and now they’re paying even less attention by staring at you instead of the road. Maybe I’m wrong and just mistaken, it could be that all these douches who sit for an extra minute at a green light just think I’m sexy, I mean they can’t stop staring at me with that stupid look on their face. These people either look completely dumbfounded with a blank look on their face, mouth open not moving. Or they are fidgeting around restlessly in their car waving their hands around like a monkey screaming at you over something that they most likely caused in the first place.
            So please, I beg of you to drive like a normal human being. It’s not a hard thing to do, just use your brain and a little bit of common sense. I’ve seen little children drive go-karts and bicycles a lot better than some so-called adults on the road. If you don’t feel up to the task of being a normal, thoughtful and considerate driver then you should do a service to the rest of us and just hand in your license.

5 Responses to “Stop Eating Paint Chips and Learn How to Drive”

  1. A southern Grit December 19, 2011 at 6:37 pm #

    OMG…Try driving down south. You thought molasses was slow!

  2. stephanie December 19, 2011 at 8:33 pm #

    People are Ridiculous driving especially down south, I moved here and if it rains OMG people freak the hell out!!

  3. john January 6, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

    yield actually does mean stop of there are cars coming. that is why there are yield signs in rotary’s. i believe what you are thinking of is a merge sign. so maybe you should get out that dictionary, or maybe just read up on your driving manuals before ranting about things you are wrong about.

    • M.McKenna January 7, 2012 at 12:49 am #

      I will relay your message to my mystery blogger mr. john sull.

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