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Man Child

20 Dec

Okay, so I feel bad because clearly I am calling my boyfriend out on this, but this isn’t just about him…it’s about ALL men. He just gives me so many real life examples of what I write about. So anyways, men are the BIGGEST fucking babies when they are sick. And by sick, I mean when they have the sniffles. I get it, having a cold is annoying, but why are you laying in bed moaning with a sweatsuit on and seven blankets covering you? You want to sweat the common cold out of you? The amount of time it takes to sweat it out probably lasts the duration of the illness anyways. My boyfriend and I work at the same place, and if he’s out sick I have the pleasure of not only getting phone calls from him speaking in a low and wary voice asking me to bring him home a pharmacy of cold meds, but I also have our coworkers asking me, “Oh, how is the poor thing doing?”. Muthafucka, he caught that common cold from me and I was here all week! He’s not a poor thing, he’s currently chugging Theraflu, laying in his bed, cuddling with his Playstation 3 remote, watching UFO documentaries and low budget films on the Sci-Fi channel all day! Then I get to his place after work and he’s like, “Oh…you got me acetaminophen?” and I am all, “Yeah, bitch, what’s the problem?!”, and he looks at me with his puppy dog eyes and informs me that “Ibuprofen is the only drug that takes my minor headaches away, but that’s okay, I can just lay in the dark and put a pillow over my eyes and listen to soothing ocean sounds on the internet. You don’t have to run back to the store.” Damn right I don’t have to run back to the store, I just worked 10 hours and now I have to write a blog about the dude with a jheri curl who works at every APrime in Quincy, you get in the car and you get the Advil, and get me 3 sugar free Red Bulls and a big ass bottle of Pino Grigio while you’re out!The worst is when you think your boyfriend is just being a hypochondriac, but it turns out he is actually pretty sick. A couple of months ago,my boyfriend had a cold that as usual, I thought he had caught from me. We stayed in over the weekend which is pretty much unheard of for us, and he rested and ate numerous buffalo chicken subs from Pizza Connection, which usually makes him back to normal. But Sunday evening, he was still bitching about his headache. I told him that if he wasn’t better by the morning, he should go to the emergency room. He’s not usually one to go to the doctor’s, so this is pretty big. Sure enough, he’s not better, so the next morning I head to work and he heads to the E.R. A couple of hours later, he calls me panic stricken to say he just had a spinal tap and it was worse than being eaten by a great white shark, and he tested positive for viral meningitis. Shit! So I head to the hospital, armed with his Burger King dinner per request. When I get there, he’s shooting the shit with some hospital staff from his bed, watching football, laughing and joking around. Grand old time, barely felt sick anymore at all. Literally the happiest guy I’ve ever seen in a hospital gown. He was LOVING this diagnosis, completely milking the shit out of it. He was flaunting the seriousness of it, flexing his muscles over the entire thing. He was kept overnight for observation, where they observed he was clearly at the very end of this illness, and released early the next morning. So now I’m faced with a dilemma, basically I’m fucked. I can’t minimize his whining to mere man child behavior anymore, or else I’ll hear, “Molly, I have a slight headache, which resulted in a serious illness last time that involved an overnight stay in the hospital.” Maybe I sound bitchy, but don’t forget who bought this guy all those buffalo chicken subs and every Call of Duty he owns! I don’t care, men are still babies when they are sick. Or maybe I’m just pulling a Jeannie Bueller with this kind of attitude? Screw it. Love you RK: Sorry for saying you are a baby and sorry for lying and saying you listen to soothing ocean sounds on the internet when you are sick.

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3 Responses to “Man Child”

  1. nobitchassness December 20, 2011 at 6:34 pm #

    You are just jealous. C.O.D. 4 life

    • M.McKenna December 20, 2011 at 6:35 pm #

      who you tryin to kid ryan?!

  2. stephanie December 20, 2011 at 6:50 pm #

    Molly u speak for all woman!! And u crack me the hell up!!

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