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Bangs

22 Dec

Today I want to talk about the bangs that I rocked for about 18 years of my life. Seriously, I was pretty much born bald with bangs. My bangs were the essence of my childhood, and also the symbol of my teenage awkwardness. When I was little I felt that my bangs were adorable and complimented my 8 year old features. Like how adorable am I at my 5th birthday party? Like, put me next to my sister and I was all, “I am the cute one, she’s just my sister.” I remember when I needed my bangs styled my mom would take a piece of scotch tape and line it horizontally across them. Yeah, I guess we were poor. But anyways,  she would have to realign the tape like 14 times, ripping the tape off and I’d bitch and moan until she got it perfectly straight, then she would cut. And something that would make me cry was when she would cut them too short. I would go to school feeling like the biggest douchebag. Here are some pictures of some random people I Googled looking like douchebags with bangs that are cut too short: So yeah, I loved my bangs…until middle school when I started getting awkward. At first my bangs were a great tool for covering up any forehead acne. But then my bangs just got in the way. Especially when it rained. When it rains and you have bangs, they get all matted to your forehead and you look homeless no matter what you do to fix them. Same thing happens when you are active and get kind of sweaty. Your bangs give you the “sweaty girl in class” look. If you brush them out they separate and look stringy and gross. Here’s an example I found via Google of gross, wet bangs on a dummy: Eventually one of my guy friends discovered that I looked EXACTLY like my little brother without bangs, so on the bus home from school he would sneak up from behind me and pull my bangs back and say, “Everybody look! It’s Tommy!” And I was a weakling so I would just take it and die a little inside. Here’s a picture of me without bangs when I was 8 years old: Just kidding, that’s my little brother who is not going to be happy that I put this picture up. Around age seventeen is when I realized that I just couldn’t live with bangs anymore. I also realized it was going to take a lot to grow my bangs out, because I had developed a syndrome that I made up called “Awkward Forehead Syndrome”. AFS is a result of having bangs for over a decade. Symptoms of AHS are:

  • Fear of your own forehead
  • Fear of clips/bobby pins/headbands
  • Feelings that your forehead is too pale, too big, too shiny, among other negative characteristics given to a forehead
  • The desire to drink your bangs problems away
  • Fear of going out in the rain or snow
  • Fear of humidity

Yeah, it’s a very serious condition. But I knew that I had to get my shit together and work through it. I was a survivor. So I began to grow out those motherfuckers, easing into it by going from bangs to side bangs. Throughout the process I utilized red headbands to take the attention away from my forehead. And after a long year of rapid hair growth, I had done it. I can proudly say I am six years bang-free. And I’ll never look back… because in life you need to look through the windshield, not the rearview…bitch.

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4 Responses to “Bangs”

  1. Sister Mary Clarence December 22, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

    You always looked like a sinner with those stringy, wet bangs!

  2. J December 22, 2011 at 4:00 pm #

    I never knew my affliction had a name. Now I know it was AFS, and it is possible to recover! I’m living, bang free proof. 12 years and still going strong!

  3. liz December 30, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    does anyone want their bankgs cut, I still have tape and scissors

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