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The Preemptive Breakup

28 Dec

One thing that I cannot fathom participating in, is a shitty relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in shitty relationships in the past, but that was when I was just a 15-year-old-dumb-ass-naive-fool-with-no-morals-or-respect-for-anything-or-anyone-including-myself. Haven’t we all been there? I hope to fucking God not. Thankfully, I’m over those days and now in a loving and caring relationship with my soulmate who better propose by doomsday of next year or it is fucking over (You get that Ryan?! OVER!). I’m just being humorous, don’t worry. Seriously though, I love myself, probably too much, and respect myself enough nowadays to shit on ex’s who disrespected me years ago on an internet website that gets one to three thousand hits per day with a population that is predominantly located in the city those guys are from. Just kidding, I won’t go there…in this entry. 

Even though I am totally over letting someone treat me like dog shit, sometimes I hear annoying stories about people who are not. None of my close friends are in shitty relationships anymore fortunately, but some of them have been. And I’m going to violate their privacy by writing about them. Actually, I’ll just write about Barney and a shitty relationship he was recently in, since he pretty much gives me permission to write about anything going on in his life. Luckily, this bipolar-one-flew-over-the-cuckoo’s-nest-crazy-bitch he was seeing deleted all of Barney’s friends on Facebook, so maybe she won’t read this. But I wouldn’t bet on it. Anyways though, this chick was emotional and insane and Barney knew they were headed towards a bad break up. Barney knew he had to take action, before Crazy did first. He decided to pull a George Costanza, and put the ball back in his court with a tactic called The Preemptive Breakup. The preemptive breakup is when someone sees signs of a crumbling relationship, and senses they are going to be the dumped, but then turn the tables by initiating the breakup before their partner gets the chance. This strategy allows one to exit the relationship with some dignity and grace. Unfortunately, Barney wasn’t graceful or dignified enough, and failed at breaking up preemptively. Crazy approached the subject first, and told the Barnster that she didn’t want to hurt him in the long run and things had to end immediately. Things were a downhill spiral for Barney for a little while (refer to the first BMSS blog entry entitled, “Barney”, in which he was doused with gasoline and almost burned alive), but he was resilient and bounced back…kind of. I’m just glad that the relationship didn’t end in violence.

So like I said above, I think it’s annoying when people don’t respect themselves enough to pull out of a shitty relationship. Trust me, after the first 10 times you bitch about your  shitty relationship, no one wants to hear about it anymore. So maybe it’s time that you follow Barney’s lead, which is a route I don’t normally encourage EVER, and go ahead with the preemptive breakup. Only don’t fuck it up like Barney did. Succeed at it, and always remember: “Do or do not, there is no try” (hashtag Yoda quote…I’ve been hanging out with Star Wars nerds way too long). Go on, get on the phone and dump that bitch ass! Better yet, hop on AIM for the first time in 10 years and do the dumping over instant message. Afterall, you deserve the best. 

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One Response to “The Preemptive Breakup”

  1. Because the Truths Hurts January 1, 2012 at 4:33 am #

    You should write about how guys lie about how Breakups happen. How they try to seem like the one to think of it first, but really cry when the break up happens. Then beg to be taken back. I find the facts to be much funnier than the Bravado.

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