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Get A Room

2 Jan

Have you ever been out in public and looked at a couple who are in their honeymoon stage and wanted to throw up in your mouth a little bit? Of course you have. You might even be that couple making people want to puke. Sometimes I catch myself committing heave-worthy acts with my boyfriend, and stop before I make an innocent victim sick. Don’t be ashamed if you do any of the things I’m about to list below, just cut the shit and don’t let it happen again. And if the shit isn’t cut, I’ll find you, lock eyes with you, and give you a disgusted slow head shake for approximately one minute. JK, LOL, kind of, not really, actually dead serious!

  • Pet names: Is there anything more deplorable than a couple that refers to each other as “baby”? The answer is yes, calling your boyfriend “daddy” is actually the most deplorable thing ever, but “baby” is a very close second. No matter how classy you are, when you call your significant other “baby”, you sound like you should be riding the Red Line to Andrew Station in a bubble gum pink velour track suit that says “Sexy Back” on the ass, and lighting up a Marb Red that has made your voice raspy after years of smoking. In short, you sound like complete trash when you call your boyfriend/girlfriend “baby”. Kind of similar to how Blake Lively sounds every time she speaks in the movie “The Town”…but she could pull off the trashy demeanor a lot better because she’s Blake Lively. You’re not. And you are making people want to rip your face off like that chimp did to that lady. Do you want a face transplant? Because the “after” picture of a face transplant recipient is never much better than the “before” picture. Hopefully that thought alone will make you think twice before referring to your honey as “baby”. I’m not saying that you can’t give your boo pet names at all, just don’t utter them within earshot of society. My boyfriend calls me a “butt monkey” when we are alone, and it makes my heart melt! But then we overheard our friend call his girlfriend a “butt monkey” in public, we felt nauseous and  it’s just not special anymore. So spare everyone the pet names in public. Baby has been put in the corner on this one, she’s in time out.
  • Same siding the booth: I believe I’ve mentioned this in previous entries, but it’s a serious enough matter to devote two entries to it. It is ridiculous when I see couples who sit on the same side of the booth when they go out to eat with just each other. Recently my boyfriend and I went to a local restaurant and ran into a friend’s parents. Not only do I hate small talk when I’m hungry, but I hate when the small talk escalates due to the hostess seating both parties at booths right next to one another. If we wanted to go out to eat as a group, we’d say “party of four”, but we don’t want to go out to eat with our friend’s parents unless they are dishing secrets out about our friend that we can use as blackmail. Things got more awkward when our friend’s parents started spooning like they were our age on the same side of their booth. I felt like requesting another bowl of popcorn and that the waitress dim the lights. What makes couples that are guilty of this atrocity believe that they are entitled to ruin the appetites of innocent diners?! I don’t know…
  • “I” becomes “We”: Have you ever invited a friend to do something and they respond with, “Oh, yes, we’d love to join you!”? Um, actually, I was asking YOU, so what’s with the “we”, unless you’ve taken up french since we last spoke three hours ago? Your boyfriend is actually kind of a giant douche and if I was inviting him to anything it would be to joining me in hell. And PS: since when did being in a relationship mean signing over your individuality? I didn’t think your boyfriend would want to see “Sex and the City”, but your lack of ability to be apart for more than five minutes really brings out his feminine side, I guess. Maybe he’ll spring for cocktails after the movie, otherwise I’m not sure what the point of his presence in girl’s night is.
  • It’s complicated: Something I just don’t understand is why some couples feel the need to constantly change their relationship status on Facebook after every single fight they get in. Oh yeah, switching your status to “single” will really show him that you are pissed he made you miss Glee last night. You are immature, delete Facebook if you change your relationship status once a week. Or stay single. Maybe you’ll find your soul mate when you stop watching Glee. The most confusing status is the “it’s complicated” one. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would be pretty bullshit if I signed into Facebook and there was a notification telling me that my relationship wasn’t as simple as I thought it was before signing into Facebook. The drop down relationship status box might as well have an “in a shitty relationship” option, it would be a lot less complicated to understand the situation for all your Facebook friends. And maybe there should also be an open text area for you to explain your love life after indicating your status. You pretty much owe it to your Facey friends to give the dirty deets if you are going to be taking up so much room on their newsfeeds. A friend of mine got dumped a couple of years back and felt like she relived the entire breakup over again when she changed her relationship status to “single”, and Facebook prompted a pop up box with the question, “Are you sure you want to end your relationship with _________?”. She wasn’t sure she wanted to end it, but he was. Thanks assholes over at Facebook. Cyber salt in an open wound.
  • Public Displays of Affection (PDA): Okay, this is an obvious one. If anyone wanted to see a couple sucking face, they’d stay indoors and rent something rated X. A little hand holding is fine, but please don’t grope your girlfriend while I’m standing inches away from you. PDA is the absolute worst on the train. As someone who takes the train to work every day, I can say that the only thing more depressing than public transportation, is public displays of affection mixed with public transportation. There is no escape from it. Well, at least for 20 minutes, maybe an hour if there are delays on the Red Line and God hates you. Maybe the delay on the Red Line is due to someone jumping onto the tracks in an attempt to get hit by a moving train due to witnessing PDA for the duration of their commute. Poor bastard. It’s been a rule since kindergarten: keep your hands to yourself! Amanda Knox and her boyfriend committed so much PDA  that they were arrested and convicted of having an orgy then killing a member of that orgy. Sure they were acquitted years later, but please, don’t make the same mistakes they’ve made.

Okay, so knowing all the shit that makes people sick will hopefully make you think twice before you dry hump your loved one on the same side of the booth you’re sitting at. So many of your friends will stop talking shit about you and your boo if you comply. You can trust me, I’m a random girl you don’t know who writes a blog about shit she has no expertise in. Don’t be a baby, baby. Just cut the shit or GET A ROOM! K, thanks, bye!

XOXO ~Molly

PS RK: Love you butt monkey poo poo honey bunches of oats!!!!! 😉 kissy kissyyyy! ASL?

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One Response to “Get A Room”

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