Real Housewives of Quincy

3 Jan

About a year ago I updated my Facebook status that working every day was really starting to get in the way of my dream of becoming a Real Housewife of Quincy. I remember getting a lot of feedback on it, because I think in our hearts, we all want to be Real Housewives of Quincy. A year later, I am still thinking about it. And my friends, this is what being a RHOQ means to me:

  • Finding an eligible Quincy bachelor: Refer to “Quincy Boys” in case you need a list of characteristics. You can go white collar (State Street exec, owner of Marina Bay), or blue collar (Parks Department dude, firefighter, etc.). They had better “know someone”. Just in case they get arrested and need to name drop politicians in order to get out of it. Basically they need to be able to say, “Don’t you know who I am?!” and mean it. Oh, and make sure he’s sober. You don’t want to be chased around by Quincy Sun paparazzi with rehab scandals.
  • Run daily errands: A RHOQ has to run a tight ship, and this involves running super important errands. First, head to a CVS to pick up your pharmaceuticals. Get those serotonin levels going, girl! Maybe pick up a sugar free Red Bull and USWeekly to catch up on some celebrity gossip while you wait. After CVS, go on a coffee date at Coffee Break with your girlfriend. Have a seat and watch as about 34 people you went to high school with and probably didn’t like order their coffees. Don’t forget to read your horoscope, because Holiday Mathis is the only one who can tell you how to live your life. And for those of you who don’t know who Holiday Mathis is, read fucking newspaper sometime, even a Metro, sheesh! Aren’t you Quincy Public Schools educated?!
  • Pamper yourself: Those brows aren’t lookin’ too hot. Take your ass down to Quincy Center and visit Skin Deep Skin to get those things taken care of immediately. I just hope you future husband doesn’t see you looking so disheveled! When the brow lady is done, you are ready to head to Annie’s to get your nails done, unless you’re lazy, in which case go next door to Fashion Nails. Wherever you go make sure you take out your matching Coach wallet and tip, you’re a RHOQ, not a RHOSB. These women pampering you have to deal with your Ugg feet while making small talk (“Refer to Anjelah Johnson’s Nail Salon skit on Youtube). Be polite. You’re almost done, but first you need to hit up the tanning booth. Your Quincy hubby only wants the best for you: Sunfactory Package! You are one lucky biatch.
  • Celebrate milestones: It’s your 2 1/2 month anniversary with your mans! Oh hell no you are NOT going to Applebee’s! You are a classy broad, Alba roof deck should suffice. Enjoy your Surf n’ Turf while you overlook the Stop and Shop headquarters, you deserve it. Perhaps you will be surprised with a new Pandora charm when you finish your 6th glass of wine. He is just so F’ing sweet it makes you sick sometimes! Wait until you text and drive your girlfriends about your magical evening!
  • Be super sweet to everyone even if you hate them: You know that people are jealous of your RHOQ status, but you don’t understand why because you are so humble due to your Quincy upbringing. To prove how super nice you are, call everyone you come across “hun”. No matter how lame they are, they are “hun”. Even if they are older than you, or the same age, or younger than you. They could be your mom, I  don’t care, you call them “hun”. Be as sweet as the flavor of the month at CBC and a gingerbread man at Ginger Betty’s. Got it, hun?!
  • Look fresh: You want to look ravishing when you are out in Downtown Quincy. You’ve got a dinner date with your girls at The Fours this coming Sunday Funday. You can stay fresh to death by perusing the racks of Marshall’s at least once a week. But please, be a grown up and look in sections other than The Cube. You aren’t a Quincy Girl anymore, you’re a RHOQ! Now flaunt it! Also, try to remember that “Angel”, “Derek Hearts”, and “Roxy” aren’t fresh brands.
  • Day drink: You don’t have a real job, so why not act like you don’t have a job and get out there for a good old fashioned day drink on your boo’s tab?! The best place to do this is Marina Bay. Live a little: get some buckets of Bud Light Lime. Don’t get too drunk though, or you won’t be coherent enough to evening drink. That would be awful. Also, you might want to find someone who has a boat so you get the full Marina Bay experience.
  • Work on your fitness: At Planet Fitness. Everyone else does. Except me. Check in on Foursquare from your elliptical. Make weekend plans with everyone and their mother, and if you don’t already have a Quincy man, maybe you’ll find him here. Lift your iphone up, and put it down. Great way to break a sweat and work off those Bud Light Limes, while at the same time keeping up your Quincy socialite status.

God, so many Quincy establishments have probably banned me. Fuck it. Okay ladies, good luck and may all of your Real Housewife of Quincy dreams come true! Just please, don’t message me harassing me about accuracy. I know this is probably true of all South Shore/North Shore, whoever. Or maybe it’s a parody, who really cares either way?! I’m just from Quincy, so shut it, hun.


2 Responses to “Real Housewives of Quincy”

  1. stephanie January 3, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    love it hun!!!

  2. Katherine January 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm #

    lol … I love this!!!!

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