Angry, Fat, and Stupid.

9 Jan

So my friend *Alissa is basically the female version of George Costanza. Weird and unfortunate shit happens to her all the time. Like the story I’m about to tell you.

So my friends and I were out in Quincy Center one night, just living the dream and getting shitfaced. Alissa and her boyfriend, Fee, decided to go home a little early, so they headed out into the parking lot. For some fucking reason I don’t understand, there was a mechanical bull behind Texas Saloon on this particular evening. There was also a heavy Quincy police presence, you know, in case the mechanical bull went berserk and started charging at saloon patrons and they needed to shoot it. I don’t know. So Alissa and her boyfriend walked to the other side of the lot where she was parked, and she noticed there were blue lights from a cop car near her parked car. As they got closer, they realized that the police were standing right next to her car. She also realized that her windshield was completely destroyed. Naturally, Alissa wanted to know what the fuck had happened to her car. The police proceeded to inform her that the gentleman she had parked next to was furious with her for parking too close to his truck. When he got to his truck, he realized he was unable to fit in the space between the 2 cars, and therefore could not get into the driver’s seat. He was extremely obese. So rather than climbing over the passenger’s seat to get into the driver’s seat (maybe he was too obese to do so?), he pulled out his trusty crowbar. He then proceeded to beat the shit out Alissa’s windshield with the crowbar. It was probably the toughest workout of his life. The cops posted up at the mechanical bull luckily witnessed the entire incident and immediately arrested this angry, young fatty-pants.

Upon hearing this bizarre story, I obviously looked this guy up on Facebook to see if his status update said something like, “Dear person parked too close to me causing me and my fat to be unable to fit into my vehicle: karma is this crowbar”. But it didn’t. It just said that he was recently engaged and bought a house. I wonder if his fiance knows he’s completely fucking batshit crazy.

Poor Alissa.


6 Responses to “Angry, Fat, and Stupid.”

  1. Kristen January 9, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

    For being such a dick, you should share his FB so we can all creep.

    • Jess January 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      I second this. I need to creep his facebook immediately. I have an hour left on the clock.

  2. DHanna January 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    If you look at the white lines in the pictures, it was clearly his fat ass that parked too close, he’s almost on the line on her side.

  3. Kristen January 9, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

    what a boom boom choom choom fatty bo blatty

  4. Melissa January 10, 2012 at 12:29 am #


  5. Stephanie M. January 10, 2012 at 1:26 am #

    I enjoy all your subtle name changes!

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