Fonts and You.

10 Jan

People often overlook the fact I am completely making up that the font they use defines them as a person. You think your strong work ethic and selfless philanthropy builds your character? Boy, were you wrong. Fonts are more significant to your personality than the most legit defining shit, like astrology. Yeah you’re a Libra. You’re a strong leader that people look up to, because you go balls to the wall. But do people also know that you use Verdana Bold? Do people know what that even means? I’m about to tell you what certain fonts actually mean. Maybe you will learn more about yourself in the process. Or maybe you’ll learn the reason you are unemployed is because your resume is in Comic Sans.

Times New Roman: You’re classic and timeless, but boring as shit. You don’t fuck around. When a professor tells you to write a paper that is exactly 3 pages long, double spaced, you follow those rules. And you always stick to the APA format.

Old English Text: Either you are the guy that writes newspaper headlines or you’re probably a white trash Irish guy who likes his last name too much. You’re not tough, skittle nuts.

Arial: You are someone who likes to do the bare minimum in life. You try to stretch out your college papers by using longer letters because you’re a no talent ass clown. You’re lazy. Good for nothing. And not that original.

Arial Bold: You’re everything I said about Arial, but bolder. You flaunt your ass clown-dom. Stop trying to cut corners in life. You’re only cheating yourself. Impact: You’re a girl with a blog entitled, “Because Molly Said So”. You are trying to make a point by typing your blog’s name in big, bold words. You say so, and that’s why. You are also beautiful, awesome, talented, compassionate, an all around stand up gal. Leonardo DiCaprio fawns over you. You are the light of everyone’s life.

Comic Sans: You have Peter Pan syndrome. You don’t want to grow up. You wish AOL instant messenger would make a comeback, so you can quote Sublime in your profile, and type sweet nothings to your significant other, and list all of your best friends initials followed by a corny/lame quote such as:

Balloon Extra Bold: You’re a carny (or is it spelled “carnie”?). You know, circus folk. Small hands. Smell like cabbage.

Brush Script: You want to be an actor on Broadway, but you can’t make yourself fake cry. So you try to compensate by typing shit in Brush Script or Broadway font.

CAPS LOCK: You don’t care what font you are writing in because you’re white trash. You don’t have enough tact to take caps lock off. You don’t use commas or periods because you’re a high school dropout, a rebel without a cause, 2/3’s to a retard. You share your drama with the world via Facebook status update. And you’re always rambling about snitches.

CaPsS/lOwerCaSe miXtUre: You’re the feminine version of the caps lock personality. You ghetto, but you think you cute. You type quotes such as: “EVeRYtHingg HaPpEn 4 A reaSoN sO LivE iTt UpPp && dRiNk It Down.” And your screen name was something along the lines of: “xObAbiiGrLxO69”. You add unnecessary letters and punctuation, as well drama to everything you believe in/do/say.

Century Gothic: You’re a goth from a different century.

Curlz: You’re just plain ridiculous. No one “gets” you. Unless you’re a middle aged man typing in Curlz, in which case people get that you probably spend most of your time typing things to 14 year old decoys on the internet.

Tahoma: You get all of your material from people who type in Arial. You’re not original at all. But you are organized.

Courier: You’re an old soul who likes old fashioned shit, like typewriters.

Wingdings/webdings: English is only your second language. Unless you are a spy. People don’t understand you, so they just copy and paste then translate you. But you are helpful when you need to warn people of poison or bombs. You are also helpful when you need to insert a heart into a romantic sentence.  Just please, don’t expect us to “Press 1 for wingdings”. This is America.

Okay, it’s become clear to me at this juncture in the evening, that I’m getting really tired, and therefore, really fucking weird. This whole entry makes absolutely no sense. I literally talk out of my ass 99% of the time.  HOW DID YOU EVEN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS ENTRY?! I need to go to sleep. Nighty night!

LuV ALwayZ && ForEvA,





3 Responses to “Fonts and You.”

  1. Sister Mary Clarence January 10, 2012 at 4:53 am #

    A strong nun sticks to Lucia.

    • M.McKenna January 10, 2012 at 4:57 am #

      That is true, Sister Mary C!

  2. somequincydude January 10, 2012 at 6:43 am #

    Spot on with the “CAPS LOCK” one and I used “Courier New” in college because for every page typed it would give you an extra 1/2 page. I’m basically the description for Arial…..good stuff!

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