Another Useless Thought with Shaun Maloof

14 Jan
Note: My friend Maloof recently spent the night in the hospital due to stomach pain. He wasn’t pleased.
Have you ever tried sleeping in a hospital?
Of course you have. Key word is tried because its damn near impossible to do so. Between beeping machines, sharing a room with some weirdo, and nurses constantly going in and out of your room you’d have to be dead to get some sleep. Here’s a list of things that make it impossible to get some shut eye at your local medical establishment.
Beeping machines
Really? Every 20 minutes something has to bing, boop, or beep? When the IV drip is done can’t I just let you know? We all know I’ll be awake. The guy next to me had a machine that went bing bing bing BONG!!! That happened every half hour. You have an extra amount of my sympathy if you have a room near the nurses’ station. That phone must ring every 7 minutes. Who’s calling you so late and why can’t they put it on vibrate? Fucking obnoxious.
Screaming old foreign patients
Seriously, where are you from? In American hospitals we have this cool thing called a nurses button that you press and a nurse appears. No more screaming at the top of your broken English lungs. Also the nurse probably isn’t coming because she told you her name is Beth and not Diane, which you are STILL saying, so she probably just thinks you’re having night terrors. Use the button and your bedpan will get changed in a spiffy.
                                                                                                   Mista Mista!
The roommate
Ah yes, the roommate. Is it just me or do you always think what they have is 10,000 times worse than what you have. You could be lying in bed with diarrhea, sharp chest pains, staph infection, and a swollen face but if you hear them let out one little *cough* you immediately want a new room. They’re always hidden behind that curtain too so you can never tell what they look like. It’s like playing that game “guess who.” Is that patient in for swollen cankles and heavy breathing? Yes? Well that patient is the fat sweaty guy with the oxygen tube in his nose!! I miss that game.
The hallway
Hey can you dim those lights out there I’m trying to sleep. Why does everyone have to walk so loud? I shut my door at one point and the nurse came in and opened it up.  I told her I closed it because of all the noise and the lights from the hallway. You know what she said? “I know.” Whatever nurse.  Also please don’t talk about other patients symptoms right outside my door. Yeah it sucks that the guy down the hall has swollen balls and it pains him to piss but it also sucks that I just had to hear that and now I really can’t sleep. A closed door would have fixed that.
Well that about wraps it up. Its 3am and with night terror lady still going it looks like I’ll be up for a while. I guess I’ll watch some infomercials. Of course I’ll never buy anything since Billy Mays is dead.

2 Responses to “Another Useless Thought with Shaun Maloof”

  1. marisham January 14, 2012 at 10:02 pm #

    I am one of those loud walkers talking about other patients symptoms outside doorways

  2. n/a January 15, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    Yup. That was pretty useless. We have the best healthcare in the world. Quit whining. What a lil bitch.

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