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Love in a Hopeless Place

17 Jan

I’ve been dying to write a post about online dating, but didn’t know how I would go about it. So before I start tearing into it, I want to clarify that I am not against online dating. I think websites like Match and Eharmony are great for meeting someone normal while maintaining your dignity. Seriously, it’s hard to find a nice guy/girl out there, people are dogs! It’s rare to find a success story when trying to meet someone in a bar. Honestly, you can’t fight the statistics that are in favor of online dating – correct me if I’m wrong, but I read somewhere that 12 couples per day get married due to Match.com. Pretty impressive, if you ask me, a girl who knows very little about life and behaves in a manner comparable to someone who just turned 21.

That being said, it’s now time to start shitting on online dating. I’m going to leave respectable websites out of it and focus on the two creepiest internet pick up sites I can think of: Plentyoffish.com (POF) and Craigslist personals. My first question regarding these two websites is: Are you THAT cheap?!  Pretty much everything in life is a ripoff, and people are muy tacaño, I get that. I also get that I am the biggest gringa to ever blog. But are people really going to be cheap when it comes to finding someone they want to spend their life with?! Just spring for a dating website that costs money, otherwise I’ll just go ahead and assume you are looking for a booty call. J-Lo’s love don’t cost a thing, but that doesn’t mean she met Marc Anthony or Puffy or Ben Affleck on PlentyOfFish.com (although maybe that’s where she would have found Casper Smart, if he weren’t her back up dancer). A free dating website is like a free sample of wine at the Olive Garden: classless, cheap, tacky, fake, and filled with broken dreams. Maybe the breadsticks are delicious when dipped in soup, but the entrees are microwaved. And that doesn’t make the wine taste any better. Maybe the guy looks hot in his dating profile, but that is actually a picture of his 18 year old son he is trying to pawn off as himself. My second question regarding free online dating websites is: Do you want to die? Craigslist personals are basically defenseless since the CraigsList killer struck. Craigslist personals pose that whole risk of getting murdered in a local hotel room by a man who looks related to Dawson Leery, and that’s not the only thing wrong with it. There is just really nothing to be  said about trying to find your soulmate on the same website you are trying to sell your hoopty, lawnmower, or baseball cards. There is no protection offered through Craigslist, no Paypal, no legit contracts. If Harry Wormwood sells you a lemon on Craigslist that runs on sawdust and held together with super glue, then you’re shit out luck unless you are the Trunchbull and can kick some ass. If you see a picture on Craigslist of someone who looks eerily similar to Leonardo DiCaprio in his role as Jack Dawson, then guess what? The picture was probably just Googled, it’s not really what the guy looks like, and before you realize it, a creepy old man with rapist glasses is tying your hands behind your back at a Motel 6 somewhere 12 miles from your house. Maybe you should start watching some Lifetime movies to help you get with the program, girl! My third question about free online dating websites is not even a question. It’s a statement…well, a demand. A demand to read the following first two PlentyOfFish.com reviews I stumbled upon after Googling:

  • WARNING: Beware of one named; hottieflorcita, she lives in the projects and will take your money. Her Ex-husband will come in once a month for a few days and stay with her and her 8 children. I’m not saying “he’s there for a booty call” but you make up your own mind.
  • 90% OF THE CUNTS ON PLENTYOFFISH IF IT COULD BE PROVEN WOULD BE THROWN IN JAIL FOR SOLICITING PROSTITUTION!! PLENTYOFFISH IS NOTHING MORE THEN A HAVEN FOR WANNABE HIGHCLASS, AMATUER, DESPERATE PROSTITUTES AND PSYCHOTIC WOMEN WHOM ARE EITHER MARRIED OR A SINGLE MOTHERS WITH LIKE 8 BASTARD KIDS OR DRUG ADDICTS-ALCOLHOLICS.

Yup. People who abuse the caps lock button/can’t spell, and people with the username “hottieflorcita” are some of the people on PlentyOfFish.com. Ew, gross.  As for Craigslist, well, take a look at these postings from men seeking women:

  • Hello – I’m a completely normal, but very attractive, in shape, successful gentleman. I am “successful” in the conventional dating world as I have always had a lovely young woman to spend my time and devote attention to. How about something different this time?
  • Do you want a man who can kiss away your tears? A man who will call you and leave a message that he was just thinking about you. Or if we have a misunderstanding, he would drive to your house at 3:00 in the morning to apologize because he couldn’t sleep. A man who would give you a hug, without you asking because he knows that you needed one. A man who would promise never to break your heart because it’s been broken too many times before. Well I am that man. Please send me your pic. I am also a Black Man. Please send your photo and I will do the same.
  • If you have sex with me, I will bake you cookies. Is that a reasonable trade? I think so.
  • I admit; I am a little bit different. Just a man trying to find a way to be soulful in this world on his own terms. (Not everyone at once, okay?) So why should these pesky Somali pirates be getting all the booty.

And these aren’t even the creepiest ones. Yup. Men that are THIS big of tools are seeking you out via the Craigslist personals. Men with lame jokes about pirates getting booty. Men that call themselves, normal but very attractive, in shape successful gentlemen. I have to admit the, “I am also a black man” part made me laugh out loud for at least 20 seconds – never saw it coming. He only sounds like he is ripping off a Barry White song. It’s safe to say that if you have to reiterate your normalcy, then you are not in fact normal. Ugh, I can’t even…

Please, if you are going the online dating route, listen to Dr. Phil’s advice and go with Match.com. If you’re on a free site, you are probably just going to find someone who is also an advocate for AshleyMadison.com. Don’t lower your standards.

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2 Responses to “Love in a Hopeless Place”

  1. google March 8, 2014 at 7:44 am #

    Hello my friend! I want to say that this article is awesome, great written and include almost all vital infos. I’d like to peer more posts like this .

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