Useless Thought with Shaun Maloof: Fortune Cookies

25 Jan
Maloof has some thoughts on fortune cookies. Oh yeah, and there’s a free advertisement for Peking Kitchen below this opening statement. Not-so-subliminal messaging…enjoy!
Fortune cookies
Much like the legend that is Barney, I also enjoy Chinese food. However I am not as animated about my love for it as Barney is. I just can’t get that excited about food. Peking Kitchen is my usual stop. It’s very conveniently located in Quincy Center so it’s not far from my usual drinking spots. If you do go there I recommend you grab combination plate 17. It has got everything you want. General Gau chicken, pork fried rice, and crab rangoon. I think all of us can agree that all three of those things equal good stuff. The best part, at least for me, about Chinese food is the fortune cookie. Those things are great. Of course we all know that I’m talking about that little Zen message that comes inside and not the actual cookie. Talk about ruining a good meal because those “cookies” taste like shit. Fortune cookies are so full of information too. Sure we all love those sayings but most of us forget the fact that they also teach us how to speak Chinese and that they give us our lucky numbers. Here are some examples of some common fortune cookie sayings:
-“You will be successful in your work” (how do you know?)
-“Remember this: duct tape can fix anything, so don’t worry about messing things up” (duct tape can’t fix my debt.)
-“Be direct, usually one can accomplish more that way” (I wish my girlfriend would get this fortune cookie.)
…So I got to thinking, how does one get a job as a fortune cookie writer? Well I did a little research over at and this is what they said:
While it’s a myth that there is a person sitting at a table inserting fortunes into fortune cookies by hand, it’s absolutely true that a real person writes the fortunes. This is a hard gig to get because fortune cookies are not a growth industry and there are not huge factories employing thousands of fortune cookie writers. If you have a mystical bent and are able to express your ideas clearly on a tiny piece of paper, you may have a future in the field of fortune writing.
So that gave me no information about how to become a fortune cookie writer. Also, I think I’m going to have to use the phrase “mystical bent” from now on. I probably never will but hopefully once before I die I’ll use it. Anywho, here are some fortune cookies sayings that I came up with off the top of my head. Maybe someday I can sell them to Peking Kitchen:
-“This fortune sucks.”
-“Smelly diaper means messy grandpa.”
-“Save this fortune. If you don’t, Chuck Norris will find you and he won’t be happy.”
-“That shirt makes you look fat.”
-“You should have chosen the other cookie.”
-“Things could be worse. You could live in New Jersey.”
-“Tonight will be dark.”
These are just a few examples. If I ever get one of these in the future I will either laugh or say “what the fuck?” But then I will realize that someone took my idea and I will become sad. Possibly even angry that I didn’t submit these myself. End of blog. I have to go give these ideas to Peking Kitchen.

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