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Mini Vans

26 Jan

A friend of mine suggested that I write about my disdain for mini vans. I couldn’t really think of much to say about them, other than they suck. Until last night when I saw the following commercial and got kind of pissed off:

Um…NO ONE gets that excited for a fucking mini van. Especially not a middle aged man. No matter how many televisions in that back seat and crazy pyrotechnics behind  the minivan, no one can make that thing look bad ass (except maybe the white trash that hunted me down Hancock Street in one). Call me immature but there are certain things about minivans that make me sick. Allow me to list them for you:

  • Loss of individuality: When I think of minivans, I think of kids with cleats screaming their asses off and stressed out moms with hair in a crazy bun. That’s what motherhood is all about right? I don’t fucking know, I don’t have kids. My point is, why can’t you put your hyper maniac kids in an SUV and head to practice? The second you sit in that driver’s seat, you become soccer mom. You get in an SUV, you’re just a middle aged woman with a little more sense of who you are, dropping your little asshats off at their game before you go shopping. You are a woman, not a cab driver. Maybe you’re a man, I don’t know, then why not get a truck? You are a mom of course, but before you were a mom you were a woman. Why is it that the day you get home from the hospital you feel the need to run down to your local Ford dealership to purchase your first Windstar? No need, there is enough room for 2 kids to sit in the back of a sedan, just get one with trunk space. If you’re a dad, let me remind you that you look like a fucking tool bombing around in that thing. Case in point is this dude throwin’ up duces:
  • Foul Smells: You can vacuum that dump on wheels every other day for all I care, but the fact of the matter is: you will never get the smell of McDonald’s french fries and puke out of the cloth material. Have fun digging all that shit from between the seats. Fries, goldfish crumbs, M&M’s, crack, I don’t know what your kids are ingesting. No amount of Febreze can cleanse your van’s cushions or your mind.
  • Messiness: Minivans are too big to ensure proper cleanliness. They have like 50 cup holders and shit all over the place. It’s like having a small apartment that smells and has kids in it. Good luck finding that binky that fell on the floor last Tuesday.
  • The radio: You can bullshit all you want, but don’t tell me that Radio Disney is not on your presets. Because it is. So get ready to listen to “Put me in Coach” 4 times a day. When you aren’t listening to Radio Disney (like when you go through a tunnel), you’re listening to your kids’ scratched up Kidz Bop CD. I hope that “Pocket Full of Sunshine” doesn’t skip when you hit a bump in the road! Time for a mid life crisis before Kidz Bop 37 hits the shelves!
  • Kids don’t need to play video games on the road: So, um…why do your kids need to play video games on the way to the supermarket? Tell them to press “pause” on Mario Kart and get in the fucking car before you count to three. If they don’t listen, send them to boot camp. If they do listen, then reward them by selling the minivan with the Playstation in it, buy yourself an SUV and a Gameboy for the kids. It’s a win-win. What ever happened to car games like “I Spy”?

I don’t want to make people who drive minivans feel too bad. I don’t have kids and I’m pretty full of shit all the time anyways. Besides, it could always be worse. My parents were heavily into station wagons for years. My mom got rid of her 80-something Chevy Celebrity when it shit the bed, and when I told her not to go for another station wagon, she agreed. She said she was going for a “sporty” look. But when I got home from school the afternoon she went car shopping, I looked in the driveway and to my utter horror, sitting in the Chevy’s place, was this: The karma here is that after making fun of that thing for years, when my first car stopped running and I couldn’t afford a new car, guess what I drove to school? The shaggin’ wagon. I drive a Civic now, I ain’t no baller. Mom, you can borrow it, but don’t scratch it up, it’s a lease. I hope your friends at work don’t egg your car when they read this. Sorry!

Love you mom, sorry! 🙂

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2 Responses to “Mini Vans”

  1. Mcdonuts January 26, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

    I hate hate HATE my minivan… It’s gross, dirty and has 5 fucking kids in it every day… I wish I could afford the gas in a huge explorer but I refuse to pay that shit… So I deal with the mom van… Putting the seats down after cleaning out the French fries and having a pull over with the hubby is the only bonus really… I fucking hate minivans

  2. billy January 26, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    seeing that i am your parents age and republican i must tell you some of us are fun. when i was a kid we had beachwagons and before we could sit in the new car it had to be covered by the plastic carseats with the diamond shapes on them . if you don’t know what fingerhut is ask your mum who i am sure is still a partier and gorgeous. the problem with the seat covers was the shorts we were forced to wear the day after school ended and our mother cut every pair of our pants down. no long pants til school shopping and the car had no a.c. so picture a hude piece of steel sitting in the stop and shop parking lot in neponset for a few hours and being rushed into to the wagon to get to catch creature double feature and the back of your legs are buring off . i think i still have diamond shaped scars on the back of my legs . the minivan horrors began way back sherman…

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