A Quick Rant About Diets

31 Jan

Why is dieting a complete fucking lifestyle change for women, but for men it’s just another menial task…kind of like cleaning out the car. I guess it might be because women are emotional eaters. I know when I’ve had a bad day, the first thing I do when I get in the door is break out the Tostitos y con queso. Then I pour myself a goblet of wine and watch shitty reality shows about teen pregnancy that make my day look easy as cake. Men have a bad day then go home and take their frustration out by screaming shit about a 10 year old’s mother over Playstation 3. I can’t even say that playing video games would help kick the cravings, because sometimes when I’m pissed off or sad, I kill off all of my Sims in every single way possible. It doesn’t help though, because I’m mowing down pizza Goldfish while I’m drowning my entire virtual neighborhood, laughing like a fucking psycho. Guess it’s time to get my shit together. My boyfriend is always telling me I should start going to the gym with him. For someone who never really had to try to lose weight before, this sounds like a terrible idea to me. I’m an off/on gym go’er who’s off season is 90% of the year. Some people can get really into working out and are like “I fucking LOVE it! I get runner’s high and never want to leave that Stair Master!”. These are usually the same people who say that they have a craving for salad that is comparable to a crackhead feigning for a fat rock. Don’t get me wrong, salad is good. The  gym gives a me a fabulous feeling. I get it, okay? But calm the fuck down. Some people just aren’t that into it, and those who talk about their runner’s high sound smug.

The last time I stopped by the gym was um, awhile ago. And I guess I’m slightly traumatized because some asshole put the fucking Food Network on. There was a show on that was all about finding the best burger in the U.S. of A. WHO DOES THAT?! Can’t we watch Hoarder’s instead? I mean, any time you get a craving for a fat, juicy, delicious burger, I suggest you turn an episode of Hoarder’s on. Not only will you not want that burger anymore, but you’ll want to huff computer duster until you puke and/or die. Yummy.

I have to give myself a little bit of credit. I recently got a calorie counter app on my Iphone, so I count calories. My food diary looks something like this:

Breakfast: Slim Fast Shake, bottle of water

Snack: Grapes, crackers, 12 ounce sugar free Red Bull

Lunch: Greek salad, water

Dinner: Grilled chicken, baked potato, green beans

Snack: Bud Light can, Bud Light can, Bud Light can, Bud Light can, Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, 3 Oreos

….Not sure the late night “snacks” are all accounted for. Oops.

You know what my favorite task in the world is? THINKING about going to the gym. Yup. Just thinking about it. I just see myself on the elliptical, with a magazine, listening to Bone Thugs on my Ipod. Fucking Rocky. Yeah, I love to think about going to the gym. I have access to a free gym at my job. Maybe someday…

Until then, looks like it’s Tostito’s, con queso, wine, and killing off Sims. Carpe fucking diem.


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