“Tour-minology Part One” by a mystery guest blogger

3 Feb

“Tour-minology Part One” by mystery blogger who brought you “Sub-Crawling”…

My favorite band might have the worst name in the history of rock n’ roll: Umphrey’s McGee. Having said that, I credit them for more or less saving my life. I can see why this would sound dramatic and absurd to a casual music fan, but my love for this band helped me to break my love for Quincy dive bars, blackouts, and staying awake for days at a time.

My first show was in 2008 out in Northampton. Northampton is far and away the crunchiest town in Massachusetts. I used to be uncomfortable around what society refers to as “hippies”. After that show, and with the aid of a psychedelic that doesn’t taste like cow shit, I realized that these were my people and that I finally belonged somewhere that wasn’t Murphy’s or the Pony Room. I finally had a hobby that wasn’t going to eventually kill me. Umphrey’s McGee was my new drug of choice. I first quit drinking (among a million other reasons) because I was so mad after I blacked out at like my 10th UM show. I remembered NONE of it, and though I’m told I had a ball, I vowed that it would never happen again. I may have doubled down on that certain psychedelic at shows for a stretch, but I have zero regrets when it comes to that.  I learned how to not give a fuck what other people think and just GET DOWN. I always thought I couldn’t dance but it turns out I was just scared. It turns out I can dance…. Probably better than you. Just sayin’.

Fast forward almost four years. I’ve seen UM 34 times in thirteen different states. Nearly every friend I have I made at one of their shows somewhere in this country. Believe me when I tell you that back in 2008 I stepped into a world that I (and you) didn’t even know existed. They’ve introduced me to best friends and girlfriends and other favorite bands. Most importantly, they introduced me to myself. I’m seeing them next Friday for the first time since July. That is the longest I have gone without seeing them and I don’t know if I have ever been so excited. Along the way, I’ve learned countless things. I’ll introduce you to one of them: the vocabulary or the “tour-minology” (I just made that up, I’m wicked smaht). So here’s some of the lingo, which I still find hilarious:

Brah: If and when I use this word, it’s definitely in an ironic sense. I hate being called “braaah.” As in, “Got any molly, braaah?” A brah is pretty much a plain clothes wook. He still wants your drugs but he’s more of a bro than a wook in terms of appearance. I usually think of the line in Harold & Kumar “Brah? I’m not your brah, brah.” Or something like that.

Lot: What you call tailgating, we call lot. As in “I Love Lot” or “Lot Life”. BEST. PEOPLE WATCHING EVER. There are many useful features to lot. Where else at a show can you procure $1 waters, $1 grilled cheeses, and $1 beers? Certainly not inside the venue. The best part for most people is “Shakedown Street.” This is where you get the rest of your concert going needs and I will just leave it at that.

Schwilly: Drunk, wasted, falling over, high and drunk, or any combination of those. Wooks typically get super schwilly and say hilarious shit. A schwilly wook is like the drunk homeless guy that you’ll talk to for a while and genuinely like. They both say shit that is absolutely batshit crazy that will leave you in tears.

Terpes: Be weary of who you hook up with on tour. Chances are in your MDMA-induced love fest, you’ll end up in a 200 degree tent with a questionably clean member of the opposite sex. Chances are, you’ll contract terpes. It’s lot trash herpes, ya know? Be careful!

Wook: A wook is probably what you’re picturing when you think of a Phish show. A white, suburban, dreadlocked, smelly, hairy, hula-hooping type creature. Spot on, spot on. Wook is obvi short for Wookie. Wooks are wooks due to their uncanny resemblance to Chewbaca. Most of them are nice enough, but if you ever encounter one don’t say that I didn’t warn you. Remember the children’s book “If You Give A Mouse A Muffin?” It’s kind of like that. If you give a wook hit of a joint, he’ll (or she’ll.. this certainly doesn’t exclude wookettes or she-wooks) ask if you can spare some weed. If you spare some weed, he’ll ask for one of your beers. If you give him a beer, he’ll ask for some whiskey. Right on down the line until you’re throwing your tent away because you let a wook sleep in it and he peed the bed. Again, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.

This is merely a beginner’s crash course in tour-minology. Believe it or not, I actually have shit to do other than be on the computer all day. If you bastards want more, we’ll make this a two part blaahg. If not, whatever. Just don’t go contracting terpes on lot from some schwilly wook, BRAAAH!


2 Responses to ““Tour-minology Part One” by a mystery guest blogger”

  1. Mollz February 5, 2012 at 3:27 am #

    It’s actually “If you give a mouse a cookie” and “If you give a moose a muffin.” Other titles include “If you give a pig a pancake” or “If you give a dog a donut.” Just sayin’.

    • M.McKenna February 5, 2012 at 3:53 am #

      Read my disclaimer. Then read my “Just Sayin'” blog. That is all.

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