“I’m just soooo busy!” and Other Stupid Excuses Why You Didn’t Return My Call -Sarah Ritchie

9 Feb



You’re busy.  You have your fancy job, dinner meetings with clients, your boyfriend/girlfriend takes up all your time and weekends on the Cape.  By the time you get home you’re too tired to return a phone call or text.  Shenanigans!  You’re life sucks just as much as the next person’s.  If you really gave a shit, you’d call me back.  Oh, what was that?  You did call me back – 3 weeks later.  What I had to tell you is irrelevant now or I have completely forgotten.


No it hasn’t – you’re fancy iPhone is just fine.  iPhone’s are the phones of Gods and you’re service is never down.  You don’t even have to dial a number anymore.  You can speak right into the phone and the phone sends the message for you.  I’m not an idiot – I know your phone works just fine, if not perfectly.  Even if you’re phone has been giving you issues, you’re the first in line outside of Verizon to get it fix.  We all know you will keel over and die if you don’t have a properly working cell phone.  You’re not fooling anyone.  You just sent a text to Jenny and she’s sitting right next to me.


UMMMMMMM, what?  Did you take a trip to the North Pole?  I’m pretty sure your phone still works.  How’d you update your Facebook page every five seconds when you were “out of town”?    I’m pretty sure posing in front of the hotel bathroom mirror and taking a picture of your ugly mug is way more important than returning the text message I sent to you with a simple yes or no response.   This excuse only works if you’ve been out backpacking the Swiss Alps or are stuck in an Afghani prison.


Who likes it?  I hate talking on the phone too!  I’m more than likely calling you for a specific reason and not to tell you about my whole day or my feelings or what I bought at the grocery store.  The only reason I’m actually calling you is probably because I’m driving and can’t send you a text.  Trust me; I’d rather not hear your scratchy high pitched voice through a small earpiece.  Plus I don’t need to hear the latest “craze” you’re into or how you’re shitty boyfriend screwed you over again.  We can save that for drinks at the bar.


REALLY?!  REALLY?!  You don’t answer the phone for anyone?  Not your parents, sister, brother, grandmother, best friend, girlfriend/boyfriend, boss?  You are that freakin’ cool you can’t answer the phone for anyone?  So you’re telling me, that when I call you – you see me calling and you’re to freakin’ cool to answer the phone.  You’re excuse “If it’s important, they’ll leave a message”.  No you dick – that’s not the case.  If you’re too cool to answer my call than I’m way too cool for you and you can literally suck it.

REALITY CHECK!  You’re being an asshole.  It’s that you just don’t care enough about anyone else around you because you’re so wrapped up in your pathetic excuse for a life, you don’t know what’s socially appropriate anymore.

Well you know what happens to people like you?  You stop giving a crap about other people and they stop giving a crap about you.  So know where that leaves you?  Alone!  All alone on a Friday or Saturday night sitting on your fat ass eating ice cream out of the carton, petting you’re cat and talking to your mom cause she’s the only one that can stand you still.  Even your boyfriend thinks you suck and I’m sure he’s out screwing around with that cute brunette he just met and swears on his life that they’re “just friends”.

If the person you’re not getting back to is someone you actually loathe – then fuck ‘em – they’ll eventually get the message!  Just make sure not to give the message to the wrong people.

In all seriousness, everyone lives their lives and has their own things to do and take care of.  I suggest that you make time for family, friends and more important fun.  Stop being such a lame-o!  When you’re old and gray and all alone you’ll remember the best time you had was with your friend Billy or Bob or Suzie or Sally when you went to see your favorite band or that awesome girl’s/guy’s weekend trip you took in college with 10 of your closest friends.   Call or text you’re friends back – and make time for them, even if it’s only once a week for a few minutes.


2 Responses to ““I’m just soooo busy!” and Other Stupid Excuses Why You Didn’t Return My Call -Sarah Ritchie”

  1. Meghan February 9, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

    Whoever wrote this is a fucking genius! This is brilliant, hysterical, and completely necessary for these types of ass-puppets to hear! Stop being LAME and start LIVING BITCHES! Thanks Molly and guest… You are both equally amazing!

  2. Hank Mardukous. February 9, 2012 at 8:06 pm #

    this is stupid.

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