Things That Hurt All of My Senses

2 Mar
  • Vera Bradley bags: Perhaps the biggest eyesores on college campuses everywhere. Sorority girls all get to match their bags with their wallets, and  Grandmas are excited about being “hip” again with these fugly, quilt bags. Why not just use a paisley oven mitt as a pocketbook? The only way I can see anyone buying one of these bags is if they are using it as a diaper bag. Ugh, they hurt my eyes!
  • Bumper Stickers: No one gives a fuck how much tuition you pay for your kid to go to private school. No one gives a fuck if your kid was on the honor roll, either. When you’re smug enough to have a bumper sticker about it, I want to ride your mini-van’s ass and scare your entire family. Even worse are bumper stickers with corny sayings on them like: “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-FuckU”, “I used up all my sick days, so I called in DEAD!”, “Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole”. Do you think you’re clever for slapping a tacky ass sticker with a lame saying that someone else wrote onto the back of your Dodge Neon? If you do, maybe you should buy some dice for the rear view to compliment your vehicular swag. Oh, and Jesus thinks you’re an asshole, too.
  • Tips/tacky nail designs: “Wow, those tips look so natural! I can’t see where they start AT ALL!” -No one. “Wow, that design on your nails totally matches your eyeballs!” -No one again. Sometimes those nail designs even look like that awful pattern that you see on the Red Line seats that are like those 80’s laser beam backdrops that photographers used at fucking Sears.
  • Being rude to your server: This drives me insane. Anytime I’ve been with someone who does this (hasn’t been often), I am so embarrassed. Do you think that because you’re on your first date at the Olive Garden that it’s okay for you to treat your server as though they are a common peasant like Aladdin?! They bust their ass to bring your ghetto ass food prepared the way you want it. If they fuck up the order, ask them nicely to fix it and get over it. And if you can’t afford a 20% tip then you’ve got more problems that need to be resolved before you can be dining out.
  • Pink jerseys/attire: I am admittedly the biggest bandwagon fan alive. I love having an excuse to go out with all my friends and celebrate any Boston’s sports team. But one bandwagon style that I will never be okay with is pink sports attire. You put a pink jersey on and go into a Boston bar and you are screaming, “I know NOTHING about this sport! I’m here because I want everyone to think I’m just ‘one of the guys’, then they can do me and ignore my phone calls afterwards!”. Pink hat nation. Yay!
  • Mistaking lingerie for an outfit: This is something I see often when I go out anywhere. Chicks wearing lingerie instead of real clothes. Halloween weekend is the only  time this is okay. Don’t wear lingerie and pretend like it’s a real piece of everyday clothing. The funny thing is, these girls sporting a fucking teddy at the bars/clubs think that they are hot shit. Dude, you’re like, pretty much naked. Put your fucking pants on.
  • Clothes that do not fit: So you used to be a size 0 and now you’re a size 9. Disturbing that you gained that much in a year. But guess what? You’re metabolism is slowing down and you stopped working out and started going to Wendy’s after the bars every weekend. This happens when you stop giving a fuck. That doesn’t mean you continue to wear the size 0. Some girls think they look better the less they wear. This is NEVER true. Too big looks better than too tight when it comes to clothes. You look better wearing clothes that fit properly. No one wants to see your beer gut hit the dance floor because your control top pantyhose cannot contain it. Accept your new fat self and buy clothes that fit your frame. Or don’t accept your new fat self, and live at the gym or something.
  • Having 50 billion key chains: You get a new job in the custodial arts? If not, why do you have 17 key chains dangling from that key ring? Do you wish to jingle as you walk? Are you having trouble finding your keys in your big bag and your logic is to weigh them down with 3 hello kitties, 4 bottle opens, and 2 license plates souvenirs that say your name on them in case you lose them? Do you consider key chains to be your flair? Do you express yourself through way of key chains? Are you 12 years old? Do you need a lucky rabbit’s foot in order to put the keys in your ignition? Do you have so many key chains that you cannot find your Stop and Shop card? Because that’s a problem. You know what would look so cool? If you accentuated your key chains by attaching a Vera Bradley wallet to it.
  • Feathers: I think girls that are sporting the feathers took the movie “The Notebook” a little too seriously. Just because he’s a bird, doesn’t mean your a bird. I guess in very minimal doses feathers can be cute…but take it easy Pocahontas. If you really are a free spirit, why are you trying so hard to look like one?
  • Animal Prints: Snooki is allegedly pregnant. That means your animal prints will match her onesies. Think about that. Small doses guys, small doses.
  • Sneaking booze into bars: Once 21, no one should have to worry about sneaking alcohol into anywhere. If you can’t afford even a draft beer, crash your parents date night, stay in and watch 20/20 with them. Asshole. There is an exception. Exceptions mean that I’ve broken this rule and must get it off my chest/justify it. The exception is if you are going to see a real God awful looking movie with your boyfriend and his friends and know you are destined for 2-3 hours of misery. That is when it’s acceptable to go to a packy, purchase some liquor, and pour it into a mixer and make that movie suck a little bit less. Just avoid Big Gulp’s, because they are the general symbol of booze smuggling.
  • Mistaking leggings for pants: Will camel toe ever be fashionable? Not in this lifetime. I wear leggings all the time. But I always make sure that my shirt or dress is long enough to cover me. Because girls who use leggings as pants: I can see your vagina.

9 Responses to “Things That Hurt All of My Senses”

  1. paperdollboston March 2, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

    Whenever I see legging as pants I like to say “Ohmygod someone should tell her she forgot her pants!” loud enough for them to hear.

  2. kat March 2, 2012 at 6:21 pm #

    I love your blog, read it all the time. we have so many of the same views about life in south eastern ma. this post was probably my favorite. i could not have said it better myself!

  3. Kaitlyn March 2, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    I totally agree with the leggings! i have nothing against them but, they are see through when you bend over! get with the program people! lol

  4. Stephanie March 2, 2012 at 9:28 pm #

    first bumper stickers are usually dumb as shit unless its the old Pats Logo!!!
    and if your not covering your FUPA (fat upper pussy area) or it looks like your ass is eating your leggings then maybe you shouldnt leave the house

  5. Stephanie March 2, 2012 at 9:30 pm #

    oh and Vera grandma bags have been hideous FOREVER, and I have been making fun of my friends for years for those stupid bags

  6. McDonuts March 2, 2012 at 10:29 pm #

    You know what really hurts my eyes that goes along with those gawd awful nails? The girls with those nails who only wear lip liner and nothing else. They usually have penciled in eye brows too UM WTFUUUUUUCK did you forget your lips were there? was lipstick to expensive? could you not have just bought a fucking 99c stick of NYC instead you walk about looking like my fucking 89 year old Nana and her arthritis hand drawn lip liner lips, because you know white girl your nails and lip liner only mean one fucking thing, you live on Dot Ave. You fucking fool…

  7. Alyx Carlile March 5, 2012 at 1:29 am #

    I fucking love you. I wanna buy you drinks.

  8. Mcdonuts March 5, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    By the way I was in the postoffice this morning in Duluxbury and a girl home from college was getting her passport she was with her Mama and she had the dreaded purse! I saw it and laughed so hard she gave me a dirty look I said “calm ya roids I’m laughing at your grandma purse.” she didn’t like me to much…

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