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Sisters FOREVER.

6 Mar

College life isn’t for everyone. I went away to college in Bridgewater and lived on campus for a year. It was all fine and good, I had great roommates, which made things easier. One roommate was from east bumshit Mass., and the other coincidentally was also from Quincy. We played lava tag and life was good. The housing department treated us like shit because two of us were transfer students, therefore they threw us in a forced triple in the shittiest hall on campus. No big. It was kind of like living in the projects, only with white middle class idiots who drink Keystone Light and talk about Obama to look collegey. For the record, I chose the college I went to because I had three close girlfriends from home who were already attending. I considered that to be convenient because they made potential friends for me while I was busy using Wikipedia as a scholarly source at Massatoilet the year before I transferred. This all sounds easy and carefree, so why wasn’t college for me? I’ll tell you why. Because college is a bunch of people who sucked in high school trying to make a fresh start by purchasing friends then giving their new group of “friends” a fancy Greek name. Okay, that was harsh. Some of my friends were in sororities and they didn’t suck in high school, they just wanted to meet new friends and get the full college experience. But their idea of the “full college experience” made me cringe. Maybe I’m a pessimist who didn’t give sororities a chance. But really, I did give them a chance. I went to a couple meet and greets for the sorority my friends were in, and every time I went I thought to myself, “This is bullshit”, and dipped out quickly. Here are a few things I learned about sororities (and not from what my friends told me, because they wouldn’t tell me SHIT due to top secret rules and regulations):

  • Sisters Forever: Sororities sell the promise that they are “sisters forever!”, hehe, jk, lol! Biggest bullshit ever. Why do you want to be “sisters forever” with some bitch who called you a cracked out whore and screamed at you for a few months before accepting you as a ‘one of them’? I have a real sister who can call me a cracked out whore for free! My friends pledged during different semesters. I saw both of them cry throughout their pledging on numerous occasions. I would get insanely frustrated because I don’t like to see my friends cry, but when I’d ask them what was wrong they would respond with, “It was horrible ::sniff sniff::, but I can’t tell you! Wahhhh!”. Okay crazy, why don’t you go back and subject yourself to another round of hazing from your new friends? Hooray! I’m just going to get drunk in my dorm and watch “True Life: I Have Tourettes” in the meantime. Then once everyone is done with pledging, you can have insane drama with 30-40 girls only to keep in touch with 2 or 3 after you graduate. Sisters for LIFE. For.ev.er.

  • Secrets: When I would visit my friends’ dorms, I would love to look around at their pretty decor and photo albums. But God fucking forbid I pick up a 3 ring binder with some corny clip art mascot on the cover. I’d get a swift hand slap and, “Don’t touch that!”, like I was a 6 year old kid reaching up to touch the hot stove. Alright sisters for life, your secrets are not that important and the fact that you have a 3 ring binder to store your secrets is fucking silly. Is it filled with old games of MASH that you and yours sisters played on the bus down to your semi formal? If I wanted to, I could easily steal the binder while you’re passed out drunk at a frat party and send it to Julian Assange. Get over the secrets, because I’m sure they are just proof of the brutal hazing that you hide because you are all secret sadists, but we already knew that.
  • Rules: So you just move out of your parents house, where you were confined for 18 years of your life, grounded for breaking curfew, shamed if you missed family dinner at 5pm, and had all sorts of rules to break. Now you live at college. What’s the first thing you want to do? Pledge to a sorority and have more rules thrown at you…score! Um, not so much. While pledging these girls can’t go out past a certain hour, can’t chat online, can’t talk to boys, among other stupid bullshit. Like I said earlier, my two close friends pledged a sorority at different times. One friend was already in and got to torture my other friend and the rest of her pledge class. One night me and the one who was already in the sorority were sitting in my dorm shooting the shit and I heard the sounds of a new instant message pop up on my laptop. Didn’t recognize the screen name, but accepted the IM anyways, and I see it’s my pledging friend. I ask the friend I am with, “Did _________ get a new screen name?” And my friend books it over to the laptop and has a shit eating grin on her face and goes, “She is SO busted!”. My pledging friend was then in trouble for breaking the “no online” rule and I felt like a bag of shit for accidentally blowing her cover. But then again, she not only was asking for those rules by pledging, but she was PAYING for those rules. Imagine paying your parents for giving you a curfew? The only difference is that your parents are now a pack of mean girls who call you a cracked out whore before they ground you.

  • Money: I cannot stress this enough. You are PAYING for FRIENDS who HAZE you. Paying. for. friends. who. haze. you. You also pay to do community service after an evening of hazing by your new friends. Sisters for life have two favorite hobbies: hazing and philanthropy. You pay for both. Oh! AND you are paying to go to another prom a good 17 times before you graduate college. Break out that hot pink semi dress you got at Tello’s sophomore year of high school! Hopefully you’re allowed to talk to a boy to get invited to your ball. Talk about second chances. Let’s be honest, if you don’t want to look like the least fashionable sister for life, you’re going to also need to pay for that Vera Bradley bag the rest of your sisters are toting around campus. If you forget the sorority dress code, your sisters will cut your fucking face off with a broken bottle of Sutter Home.

So, yeah. I think that sums up what I learned about sororities. Don’t get me wrong, my two friends who were in the sorority still keep in contact with their sisters for life. But they also suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, intimacy issues, and low self esteem. Completely kidding, they are both normal, happy and non-traumatized young women. But sometimes they drink too much and I think the sorority might have had something to do with that. Kidding again. But like I said, I don’t understand why people pay dues to get hazed by girls who want them to join their lame ass club. Couldn’t they just have joined Girl Scouts? I mean, it would have had the same effect: sacrificing your social life and not talking to boys because of a pledge, community service, getting thrown into the woods by members of your club, paying dues, etc. I would have included fraternities in this blog, but I think they are probably the same kind of thing, only not malicious since guys have guy code and don’t treat each other like complete shit when in large numbers. I did see a kid who was really under the radar in high school join a frat on campus and suddenly he was the doggy and couldn’t stop to say hello to non Greek associates. Then I saw him after college and it was back to Quincy, back to reality, bitch. That’s when he could say hello again. But for the most part, frat guys don’t suffer the same emotional abuse girls do while pledging, they just get beat with paddles and play grab ass. Just kidding, I hope.

DISCLAIMER: This is my opinion, don’t bitch at me. Also, sorry in advance to my two sorority-lovin’ friends. You know I love you.

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One Response to “Sisters FOREVER.”

  1. Thewhaler (@TheWhaler) March 6, 2012 at 6:32 pm #

    So glad they didn’t have them where I went…BC girls were bitchy enough.

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