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A List Of Every Guy I’ve Ever Had A Crush On

15 Mar

In chronological order. Just because I can.

  • The Olsen Twins Brother: I don’t know who Mary Kate and Ashley’s brother was, but my first grade heart wanted him. Actually my 1st grade BRAIN wanted him. He has to have money, he’s the Olsen twins brother. If he was really for sale, I would have paid 3 shiny quarters for him.

  • Tommy Pickles: I know. I couldn’t have a crush on a cartoon infant, it wasn’t a crush on Tommy literally, but a crush on the idea of Tommy’s character. He was such a fucking leader. You don’t see that often.
  • The green (turned white) Ranger: Yeah, Tommy. It’s painful to admit this or even Google image this dude now. Cringing.
  • Sam: The hottie that came in through Clarissa’s window via ladder. I liked his choice of entrance and his choice in plaid. Swag.
  • Squints: While most girls were crushing on Benny the Jet Rodriguez, this girl was looking at Michael Squints Palledorous. It was just something about his nasally voice, geek glasses, and his ballsy-ness when it came to the pool honeys. This crush will last for.ev.er…for.ev.er…for.ev.er….
  • Kel Mitchell: Is it trueeeee? MMMMmmmmhmmmmmmm! I do, I do, I do, I do, oooohh!
  • Leonardo Dicaprio: I am in love with him in literally every single role he plays. From Luke the orphan in Growing Pains, to Jack Dawson in Titanic. I even loved him as Gilbert Grape, and when he was coming off heroin in Basketball Diaries. He is my boyfriend, my love, my life. But don’t tell him, I don’t want to scare him. I’ll never let go.
  • Mark Paul Gosselaar: Who the fuck didn’t love Zack Morris? He was fly as hell, with that big, giant, thick, sexy, 80’s style cellular phone. Get your mind out of the gutter. Whore. I just wish the college years had never happened.
  • Steve Hale: I know what you’re thinking: who the fuck is Steve Hale? Steve Hale is Steve, DJ’s boyfriend. The Deej never deserved him like I did. I would let Scott Weinger raid my fridge any day.
  • Zac Hanson: Judge me. But he was the Justin Bieber of the 90’s. I didn’t care about the long hair. I went to the Hanson concert in the 4th grade and was pissed that some ass clown had a giant “I like Ike” sign held up the entire concert, blocking me from my precious Zachary. Who the fuck liked Ike? I got to speak with this dreamboat last summer at the second Hanson concert I went to. Sure I wreaked of sweat and desperation but he signed my dollar bills. I think I bought a coffee with those two dollar bills. I don’t think the Dunkin Donuts Clerk understood the worth of those crumpled up bills, bit I was pretty desperate for caffeine.Don’t believe me? Here’s proof you didn’t ask for:
  • Tupac: Because I was an 11 year old suburban gangster.
  • Fred & Ben Savage: Rider Strong has nothing on these brothers from the same mother. And if some psychopath took a gun to my head and told me to choose between them, I’d tell them to sacrifice me. Just fuckin’ with you, I’d choose Fred. But it would be a difficult decision!
  • All of the Beatles minus George: Ever since I saw the movie “Hard Days Night” I’ve had a crush on 3/4’s of the Beatles. George was alright. But I didn’t have a crush. He just didn’t do it for me like John, Paul, and yes, even Ringo.
  • Joshua Jackson: From the moment I saw Mighty Ducks, I was hooked on Josh. Then Dawson’s Creek came out and I loved him even more. My favorite moment other than when Joey Potter chose Pacey over Dawson in the series finale was when Pacey called Dawson an Oompa Loompa. If you loved Pacey, too, please watch the below video. Don’t give up on it because of the ad. Don’t be a spazz.

  • Josh Hartnett: Such pretty eyes ❤ But you know what I’ll never understand? You ever see that movie Here on Earth, when that chick dies after an epic love triangle with Josh Hartnett and Chris Klein? WHO THE FUCK WOULD CHOOSE CHRIS KLEIN OVER JOSH HARTNETT? Not realistic at all.
  • Ryan Phillippe: I just wanted him to stare creepily at me from atop an escalator then get nailed by a car while the song “Colorblind” by the Counting Crows plays in the background. Then I want him to come back from the dead and make out, but not as a zombie, just as regular Sebastian. Here’s a montage:

  • Justin Timberlake: ZZZZZZZ! Boringggg. But I had to add him in. It’s just obvious. If you want me, here’s my heart. No strings attached.
  • Marky Mark: After seeing him in those Calvin Kleins, what Boston girl doesn’t love Mark Wahlberg? Sure, it’s kind of fucked up that he beat the shit out of an old Asian man causing him to go legally blind in one eye, but does that even matter? Yeah, it definitely does matter. But I never said anything about him being a role model. I just said he looked hot in those CK’s.
  • Eminem: Mom’s spaghetti. That is all.
  • Jake Gyllenhaal: But only in Donnie Darko. Is that weird?
  • Johnny Depp: But only in this photo. Is that weird?
  • Johnny Castle: I can’t talk about my love for Johnny Castle without crying. Why? Because… I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of ending this blog bullet and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m typing this sentence about him. Love you P. Swayze.
  • John Bender: My favorite bad boy. If only he’d give me his diamond earring to show his affection. The world is an imperfect place.
  • Ryan Gosling: I hope one day I marry my true love, after almost marrying a total douchebag, only to bump into my true love again in a house he had promised to build for me years prior. Then we’ll cut to current day and I’ll have Alzheimer’s and he’ll read to me from a notebook to try to make me remember, but to no avail, except for a few minutes briefly. Then we’ll die together on the same bed at the same time while breaking nursing home regulations. Sigh…
  • Prince Harry: Because he’s just the hotter brother. But you know, it wasn’t always this way. What the fuck happened to William? It’s disappointing. He just doesn’t age as gracefully. And like Jim Gaffigan said, he looks like Captain Crunch when he wears that fancy special occasion coat.
  • Brad Pitt: Sorry to be stereotypical, BUT there are some rules about this. I only have a crush on Brad Pitt when he’s playing 1. A stoner 2. An idiot/psychopath 3. A nazi scalper. This list is starting to disturb me.

  • Teen Dad Ryan: I just can’t do this list anymore. I can’t.

After confessing my love for a teen dad, I just simply can’t go on with this list anymore. It’s bringing out the fucking weirdo in me. Have a lovely evening. Let’s forget this ever happened.

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8 Responses to “A List Of Every Guy I’ve Ever Had A Crush On”

  1. Donyelle March 15, 2012 at 2:16 am #

    yes!!! im in love with Pacey . just the other day I watched that episode. and Dawson gave him a black eye lol.

    • M.McKenna March 15, 2012 at 2:19 am #

      I love the Pacey-con video. “Those are great Pacey costumes you guys are wearing”…and they are clearly just regular/ambigious guys’ clothing.

  2. nicole March 15, 2012 at 2:24 am #

    Am I the only creep who had a crush on tj from recess and trent from daria?

  3. Auntie Judy March 15, 2012 at 11:36 am #

    Great blog!!!!

  4. Jen March 15, 2012 at 11:58 am #

    My boys loved Hanson back in the day, and Zac was THE most adorable one!

  5. Deannafin March 15, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

    I had a crush on Trent from Daria too! I must confess the ninja turtles were my first true love…I had the sheets and thought I could marry one…either Leo or Don : ) and the kid from the little giants/casper. I agree with most of your list but I’d add Will Smith,Grant Gustin, Channing Tatum, and Miley Cyrus’s stud boyfriend Liam Hemsworth. I enjoyed this list throughly thanks Molly.

    • Deannafin March 15, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

      oh and Hugh Jackman as Wolverine and in Australia!

  6. Beth @Sailing Foodie March 15, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    Good lord, it is liked you were in my brain and pulled out every crush I have ever had! Pacey, squints, Leo!!! Great List!!!!!

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