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Bitches

20 Mar

You know who I hate? No one. If you hate someone, you have no time to love them (I don’t think that’s how the quote goes). But I do strongly dislike bitches. Every time I come across a bitch, the bitch in me comes out. Is that hypocritical? Yes, totally. Not only hypocritical, but also ignorant, but you’ll keep reading this anyways for some reason. Anyways, bitches just bring out the bitch in all of us. For example, this weekend I was trying to enjoy my Irish heritage with all of my friends and this buzz kill ass clown bitch from Hingham, who is dating someone in my circle, started frontin’. Okay, so she didn’t really front, nor do I know what real frontin’ even entails, but around 3am when we were all pretty disoriented, I overheard her call one of my girlfriends a bitch. Apparently she had forgotten I was in the same room and as soon as she realized I had overheard, she made eye contact with me nervously then quickly looked away. I get it: you think that because you go to Derby St. while I’m at Marshall’s scoping out bargains that you’re better than me. Bitch, please. The Lauren Conrad/Daisy Fuentes blazers you buy at Kohl’s aren’t anything to toot your own horn about.

Now normally I would just brush the shit talk off because I’m a total pussbag with no spine, but this chick is constantly talking shit about all of my friends behind our backs. And I’m bitter about that ever since I invited her to a BBQ at  my house last summer and the only thing she brought was a 12 pack of Stop & Shop franks. Like, thanks for the unused pig meat scraps that you got for a discount price, but I wanted wine/Tostito’s y con queso (here I was thinking you shopped at Whole Foods). To top off the bitchiness of this girl, she also is a bitch to Barney, calling him words such as “alcoholic”, and “fucking slob”. Only me and my girlfriends can relentlessly make fun of Barney, because what this bitch calls an alcoholic slop-fest is what we call “shock humor”. So anyways, my friend confronted this bitch, she lied about calling my friend a bitch, so I then told her boyfriend I apologize for the disrespect but that SHE is the bitch, and also that her new hair cut makes her look like Casey Anthony. Then she told my friend’s sister that I was the bitch. Because that’s what bitches do. They bitch out and call everyone bitches.

So yeah, the Casey Anthony comment ended that argument (because I fled to my car, as it was 5am and I didn’t want to hear his response). Not really a good story. But it got me thinking about how to deal with bitches. And I want to share with you all the things I’ve noticed about bitches so that when you come across a bitch, you will know how to deal. Here are a few different kinds of bitches that I’m sure you or a friend have encountered before:

The Office Bitch: I haven’t come across one directly, because I don’t currently even work in an office. And when I did work in an office, every one liked me, because I’m lovable and shit. But I’ve seen my friends go through it. The office bitch is a bitch who is constantly throwing you under the bus and tossing unfinished shit onto your desk when you aren’t looking. She is typically a kiss ass and has a really crappy social life because she is a neurotic psychopath bent on ruining your life. She is always pointing out your flaws in front of everyone to make herself look better than you. If you come across this kind of bitch, the best way to handle her is to spread a rumor that she went number 2 in the single stall bathroom. Ew, gross. Just don’t rat her out to the boss. Remember, snitches get stitches.

The Weekend Bitch: This is the kind of bitch like the Casey Anthony look-alike I came across this weekend. You might only see her when you’re out and she has to be fake nice to you and your friends because she’s dating someone in your circle. She usually will bring her bitchiest friend out with her so she feels less alone and can talk shit the duration of the evening while acting like she’s better than all of you because you are from Quincy and she is from Hingham or another town that begins with an “H”. So what can you do about her? Lock eyes with her when you see her whispering. Don’t blink. Hold eye contact until she looks away. It will make you look like a hard core psycho. And no one fucks with a hard core psycho.

The Whore Bitch: The whore bitch is a bitch who is also a whore. Did you really need me to explain that? She talks down to you in front of guys to talk herself up, then leaves the bar with these same guys and they lose respect for her and the circle of her insecurity continues.  Yadda, yadda, yadda. How do you deal with a whore bitch? If she tries to bring you down in front of guys, just call her out for being a hater in front of them. Then she will look like a jealous weirdo and they will take notice of her cattiness. The outcome will be the same, she will leave with one of the guys…but at least by tomorrow they won’t respect her anymore. And if they do still respect her, that means they are probably a guy who likes drama. This kind of guy is  called a man bitch (see below).

The Man Bitch: The man bitch is a bitch that is a man. Yes, men can be bitches, too. It’s called male PMS. They are probably the worst kind of bitches because they are so bi-polar about their bitchiness. One minute they are so nice and the next they are whiny, immature and usually go for the low blows in an argument. If you come across one, and he says something mean to you, cry. Even if you don’t feel hurt enough to cry, force yourself. If you just immediately cry, the guy will look like a total dick who makes girls cry. Maybe the man bitch who caused the tears will be turned on, because he’s a secret sadist, but no one else will like to see you cry. Because real men don’t like to see girls cry.

The Secret Bitch: The secret bitch is a fake friend who, like the whore bitch, is always putting you down in front of others. She calls you out all the time, but she acts like your friend to your face. She tells people things about you that you told her to keep a secret, then she pretends like you didn’t tell her not to tell anyone. If she is hanging out with you in a group, and you leave before her, you might get the feeling that as soon as the door shuts behind you she will begin talking shit. No matter who you are, if you are a girl with a lot of girlfriends, you are going to come across a secret bitch. That’s why you need to weed out the bad ones, even if that leaves with only 3 friends. Three real friends are better than 17 1/2 fake friends. Every few months ask yourself, “Do I have too many girlfriends?” If the answer is yes, 5 plus girlfriends, then maybe it’s time you start being a bitch to your least favorite girlfriends, that way you start talking about them before they have the chance to back stab you.

Okay, now that you have a list of the most common kinds of bitches, get out there and be a vengeful bitch. It will be funny.

Disclaimer: Some of this is a joke. Only some. The bitch from Hingham who looks like Casey Anthony and can’t AT LEAST spring for Ballpark franks at BBQ’s is real. She is probably reading this right about….now. My point: unless you are her, don’t be offended. Take a joke. Bitch.

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2 Responses to “Bitches”

  1. Brett March 20, 2012 at 11:10 am #

    The soundtrack for this posting has to be “A Bitch Is A Bitch” by NWA. Spot-on and fearless, as usual, Molly!

  2. kylesmom March 20, 2012 at 4:07 pm #

    i was thinking “kyle’s mom is a bitch” from south park…. the mr. hankey episode, is a much better sound track.
    😉

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