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House Hunters Catastrophes

26 Mar

Recently I have become obsessed with watching HGTV and all of those real estate shows on it: House Hunters, My First Place, Curb Appeal, etc. I don’t know what it is. Maybe I am just getting older and want to spend less money at local dive bars and put more money away for my future. Eh. It might go hand and hand with me crying while I watch TLC’s “Four Weddings”, like a fucking weirdo while my boyfriend takes out his aggression by screaming at 13 year old’s playing Call of Duty on the other TV (yeah, I have a designated TV). Who knows. But God forbid a Boston episode comes on, I nearly pee my pants in excitement. I don’t even know how I stand marathons of this shit. The people that are house hunting drive me completely insane. If I were a real estate agent for some of these couples, I’d have a hard time holding back my nausea. I can’t believe the miniscule things that these people complain about:

  • “I guess my heart was really just set on a laundry chute…”. A laundry chute?! Who do you think you are?! Carry your laundry basket down to the basement and if you’re that lazy you can fling the goddamn thing down the basement stairs.
  • “My dog isn’t going to like this yard.” It’s a dog. Take it for a fucking walk if the yard is too small.
  • “My daughter is going to need a bigger closet.” Your daughter is a spoiled little brat who could stand to donate some of the shit she doesn’t need to Goodwill.
  • “That ceiling fan offends my wife”. Get a chainsaw, a step stool and have your wife stand underneath it. Just kidding, kind of. But seriously, any avid House Hunters watcher knows that ceiling fans and bad paint jobs are an inexpensive fix! “Don’t become distracted by the colors” – Every single real estate agent on every single episode.
  • “This backsplash isn’t really our taste…” Aww, too bad your husband doesn’t know what the fuck a backsplash is.
  • “We wanted his and hers sinks in the master bathroom.” A couple that washes their hands together, stays together. I guess?
  • “There is no country feel to this property.” Um, you’re in Detroit.

Andddd of course the most common complaint in the show: “This closet is WAY too small.” Oh, you are such a diva. You couldn’t even tell with those mom jeans you’re sporting! Sure fooled us. Then the husband makes those corny jokes that make you feel that second hand embarrassment. “It looks like somebody puked all over these carpets!” That’s actually blood, not puke. Now shut your mouth and stop pretending you have a say. Maybe if the cabinets were a shade lighter your wife would be able to get off her Prozac! Dream big.

Probably the most smug request I hear while watching these shows is that the buyer NEEDS a home office. Um, what the fuck do you need to do in your dining room converted home office Mr./Mrs. Important? Extreme coupon before it’s time to mow the lawn? Some imbeciles even request that there be a half bathroom off of the home office. You know, in case the homeowners need to take a shit while they are online shopping. Even more ridiculous than the crucial need for a home office complete with a shitter is when the buyer requests a room with a separate entrance. The wife is all like, “My husband is a guitar teacher and we would love a separate entrance to the soundproof den so that I can concentrate on cooking my famous tortellini while he’s loudly fucking his students.” Isn’t life in Nebraska wonderful, babe? Then the end of the episode cuts to 6 months later, when the family is all settled into their humble abode. They are sitting in their cozy home office, behind a desk the size of a small boat, pretending that HGTV caught them off guard, showing up unexpectedly while they “work from home”. “Ohhh hey, HGTV! Look how family-oriented we are in our new home! That spare room was a great space for my book club that meets every Monday night! Give us a fahkin’ gift card!”.

Amenities are also a huge factor in buying for these people. They need a country club type place that is in walking distance of their house, in a small gated community. It must have a pool and fitness center because God fucking forbid these people pay 20 bucks a month for a Planet Fitness black card.

One of the most frustrating scenarios on this show occurs when the couple just can’t come to an agreement on which house to put an offer on, so they take it as a sign and don’t buy anything. You get all hyped up wondering which of the 3 homes they are going to buy, the show cuts to commercial break, only intensifying the suspense. Then, boom!, you get the news from the realtor: the couple is going to remain in their studio for now. Say whaaaaat?! That studio was too small, now where are you going to entertain your neighborhood friends? Where is your husband going to play his awful fiddle in his short shorts? Forget about “expanding the family”, since you couldn’t decide between the Cape Cod classic and the charming colonial with those granite counter tops you’ve dreamed of since you were 6. This is a major concern, wifey isn’t getting any more fertile with age. You know there was a domestic dispute when the cameras stopped rolling and the couple got back to their studio. The divorce is pending. Maybe now you can catch them during daytime TV on Channel 12 sans hopes and dreams.

I would love to be on House Hunters Quincy. “I’m looking for a Merrymount dream house with amenities such as Planet Fitness, Wendy’s, and a bus stop. I’d like a beach front property that has the view of Boston without the odor of Black’s Creek during lowtide.” A girl can dream…

*Special thanks for AS & MM for the inspiration!

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3 Responses to “House Hunters Catastrophes”

  1. andy March 27, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    Not to burst your bubble, but all of the couple on HH have already purchased the home before appearing on the show. It’s actually a pretty good indicator if they go somewhere and it has no furniture etc. that’s usually the one they bought (b/c they already bought it and are just waiting for HGTV to film them before moving their stuff in). My brother knew a producer of HH when he lived in LA. Anyway, I concur wholeheartedly with your post (as always)!

    • M.McKenna March 27, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

      On HH yeah, but on My First Place they don’t always buy anything. Tell your brother that I want to be on HH! Thanks for reading.

  2. Kb June 18, 2012 at 12:29 am #

    I just laughed so hard I could not breath and my husband thought I was going to pass out and fucking die . Not a bad way to I guess….
    Thanks Molly I needed that

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