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How To Get Over Someone

27 Mar

Over the weekend a neighbor stopped my mom while she was getting out of her car to request a blog about break ups. I guess a friend of my neighbor was going through a painful break up and my neighbor wanted to have a girl’s night and read the blog to make her friend laugh. Unfortunately for her, I had yet to blog about break up’s, since I am one of those obnoxious girls who has been in a relationship for a couple of years now and gloats about how happy she is to be in love (and there is nothing funny about that, I make myself sick). But then I cracked open a few Bud Light’s on Friday night and started thinking about all the break up’s I’ve gone through. And I started laughing at how pathetic and depressing I used to be. And I realized if I could just have known while going through those break up’s, that one day I would be sitting there, sipping beers and laughing alone in my head on a Friday night, I could have slept a little easier. Okay, I wasn’t actually drinking and laughing alone. I wasn’t even thinking about the break up’s I’d gone through, because I just don’t care about those break up’s anymore. I lied to be ironic, so that you would still think I was pathetic and depressing and feel less alone. I would never think about a past heartbreak while drinking alone on a weekend night. I am way too busy watching 20/20 or sleeping by 10pm to be bothered. So for the sake of this blog, I want to provide a list of shit you need to do if you are trying to get over someone. Maybe I’ll recall some shit about my break up’s in the process, share it with all of you, then curl up into fetal position in the shower and cry. But considering my past taste in men, probably not. Here goes:

How To Get Over Someone

  • Allow your friend to slap you across the face. This sounds upsetting and painful, but sometimes, you need it. Hey, maybe you are a cheating whore who deserves a slap in the face. But either way, a slap in the face is the first step in the road to recovery. Make sure you don’t know about the slap before you receive it. This is kind of difficult, since you need to ask you friend to do it. So maybe have your friend sign a contract when you first become friends stating that she will surprise slap you across the face after a break up. When I got slapped, I was about 16 years old, and my friend didn’t tell me exactly what she was going to do, other than that she had seen it on the show Friends,  so that she wouldn’t take away the surprise element. She sat me down on her bed, told me that she was going to do something that might hurt, and asked for my blessing. I gave it to her and then BOOM! She slapped the hurt right out of me. Actually, the hurt was not completely out of me. But it was after the slap that I realized, “Hey, my ex is a fucking loser who no level-headed girl should ever desire. Ever.” And then, after some stalking and obsessing, began the process of moving on.
  • Write Down All the Bad Memories: Get out a pen and paper and start writing. Don’t leave anything out. Once you recall all the bad memories you have with this person, the good memories will be start to seem few and far between. Remember that it takes about 10 good memories just to forget 1 bad memory. Here are some examples of the worst memories I have from a collection of ex boyfriends that probably would have gone on my list:

-He got so drunk at the ugly sweater party that he thought my Chinese friend was me and started a domestic dispute with her while I was trying to play Flip Cup.

-He screwed over all of his friends and has none left. Most guys remain friends with their buddies from the second they meet at T-ball practice at age 5. Unless they are on par with Jeffrey Dahmer.

-With the exception of our mutual friends, all of his friends are complete fucktards.

-He won’t play Scrabble with me because he doesn’t know how to spell. I love Scrabble...

You’ll start to realize halfway through the list that the person you dated makes you physically ill.

  • Cry to ALL of your friends: The reason I say “all of your friends” is because you can’t put all of this on just one friend. It will make that one friend fucking hate you. So cry to your best friend, then give her a break and call someone else up to cry. Exhaust all of your options then stop. You are only allowed to cry about it for a certain amount of time. After a month or so it gets redundant. According to Sex & the City, it takes half the amount of time you dated someone to get over them. Do this getting over in your own head. Don’t be “that girl” who mourns her heartbreak out loud and in public. This sounds harsh but seriously, your friends can only  take so much before they stop calling you to hang out. No one wants to hang out with someone who is always depressed. Pretend you don’t care and eventually you won’t care, and you’ll still have friends. If you don’t have friends, then um, I hate to say it but it’s not everyone else’s fault: it’s your fault. Girls who don’t have friends either have a personality disorder or are just backstabbing whores. Either or. Get it together.
  • Go to the Dollar Tree, purchase bloomers (yeah they sell underwear there), stick them outside the window of your car and roll the window up so the bloomers fly in the wind: Trust me, you need to do this to get over someone. Would I lie to you? Probably. But we aren’t talking about me right now, we are talking about YOU getting over someone.
  • Listen to the following song:

I know that when I listen to that song, I get all sorts of angry at Joey Gladstone, how about you?

  • Eat a pint of ice cream or a stick of cookie dough by yourself: I don’t fucking know. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Oh, and don’t forget to do this:

…don’t do that more than once though. Gross.

  • Spread rumors that ruin your ex’s life: Just kidding, that’s just evil. Instead of spreading rumors about him, you could go to Amazing Adult Video Express, purchase penis erasers and scatter them on your ex’s porch. That works just as well as the rumor thing.

Okay well, now you know how to get over someone. If you follow all of these measures, you will be single and ready to mingle. I realize that this list is geared for girls, so I also wanted to provide a list for men in case they have a broken heart:

  • Sleep around: Slut.

Good luck and God speed!

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4 Responses to “How To Get Over Someone”

  1. Stephanie March 27, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    Actually, when I slapped you, you ducked instinctively, then said “ok do it again, im gonna stay still this time” ahhhhhhhhhhhhahahhaa!

    • M.McKenna March 27, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

      I completely don’t even know what the fuck I did. hahahahahhaahahaa it didn’t work so i dont even know why i said to have a friend slap you, im just a sadist!

  2. Peter Clarke March 27, 2012 at 5:09 pm #

    Refusing to play Scrabble is a deal breaker for me too.

  3. Donyelle March 28, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

    I blasted “you outta knoww” just the other day. I love this blog. I needed this.. thanks!

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