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Being Crazy

28 Mar

I want to get serious for once in my life and talk about something that is very familiar to me: being fucking crazy. I don’t mean that fun-loving, eccentric, “Guuuurrrl, you crazy!”, kind of crazy. I mean mentally ill crazy. Okay, well I’m not mentally ill, but maybe that’s . But I do suffer from panic attacks, which I’m sure everyone goes through at some point in their lives. I’m going through a full fledged panic attack as I type, so I thought this might be a good experiment, blogging until it stops. So anyways, I will tell you how a panic attack feels: First your heart starts beating faster. Then you get this feeling of unexplained dread. You kind of feel like you are going to die or pass out but you have no fucking idea why, and that is pretty alarming in itself, because you know, I don’t want to die. Your mind starts to race and you have a need to break free of wherever you are and just walk/pace. For some reason when I am having a panic attack, I want cool air, so sometimes I will step outside and walk around aimlessly. Luckily, I work with my boyfriend, who is completely aware of my attacks and knows exactly what to say/do to calm me down. So I will usually call him up and say, “Talk normally to me”, and that’s a pretty good indicator that I’m having a full blown anxiety attack. If he’s not around, I’ll go to the bathroom and take deep breaths until I can regain my composure. WebMD and all those other bullshit sites say that panic attacks only last few minutes. That’s bullshit, because mine can last up to an hour. Yeah, if you’ve had a panic attack, you know how bad they fucking suck. But I don’t like the idea of taking medicines to calm me down, so I just try to get through them constructively, and even typing this is making me feel better. So basically, my idea works and I’m pretty much a genius (geniuses are usually mental, FYI). I really can’t hate my panic attacks too much, because they’ve brought out my inner genius.Usually when I get panic attacks, I will get them frequently for a duration of time. Then they will go away for a year and resurface when I’m on the Red Line or eating oatmeal or in line to pee at the Stadium, etc. I don’t really think much into them because I can work my way through them. But a few years ago, I was going through some stress at work and they were occurring more and more frequently. I was getting sick of these asshole panic attacks, so I made a doctor’s appointment. I told  the doctor I was under a lot of stress and not sleeping due to the stress. She told me I had “exhaustion”. I don’t know who here reads tabloids (I assume you do if you read the trash I blog about), but when someone says “exhaustion” in this context, it really means “batshit”. So immediately I wanted to ask my doctor when Candy Finnegan or Jeff Van Vonderen would be escorting me to Logan airport to catch my flight to Utah. Would Dr. Drew be there to greet me and help me with my intake forms? Because when you suffer from “exhaustion”, the first place you need to go is Cirque Lodge to get un-crazy. Just ask LiLo, Britney Spears, and Demi Moore. They know. Although, I’m unsure as to what is it one does to cure exhaustion. Do they just sleep for like 7 days? Because I am so down for that. Anyways, long story short, my insurance wouldn’t cover it. So I’ve been crazy ever since. But you know what? That’s completely fine because Angelina Jolie once said:

“If being sane is thinking there’s something wrong with being different….I’d rather be completely fucking mental.”

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4 Responses to “Being Crazy”

  1. BatShit2 March 28, 2012 at 5:39 pm #

    I’ve also had panic attacks on and off for about 6 years. The first time I had one was extremely scary because I didn’t know what it was. Usually they happen when I’m under a lot of stress or I’m having anxiety over an impending issue. I’ll also wake up many times at night and then the lack of sleep tends to make everything else worse.

    Bottom line, you’re not crazy. Usually being proactive about talking to someone about what’s stressing me out helps. It helps me vent whatever is bothering me and keeps it from building up and eventually coming out in the form of a panic attack.

    • M.McKenna March 28, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

      Haha, aren’t we all a little crazy? I think everyone must have them at some point. They suck but that’s life. Thanks for reading =)

      • K-razy too March 28, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

        I, too, have recently become batshit, and having anxiety attacks. It is awful. I end up sobbing like an asshole. Usually in my office, and then my male un-understanding boss will come in, just as i’ve almost gotten my compusure together and I talk about my allergies and our crappy tissues on my runny eyes make my eyes all red and puffy. Its good that he just goes along with that, huh? My doctor suggested “deep breathing” at first I thought she was nuts, but you know what it works. When I start to feel crazy, I take a big inhale through my nose, count to 5, and exhale to count of ten. Repeat 5 times. Apparently, you release endorphins that make you feel good. Sounds, nutty, looks nutty, but it works. I also talk to someone, particularly someone who will say its ok. becuase usually, it will be! Good luck, keep blogging & stay bat shit!

  2. Stephanie March 28, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    Well it just so happens that I had a For Real panic attack yesterday at work, I started feeling like I couldnt catch my breath and I went into the bathroom to try and relax and take deep breaths well that did nothing so I stood at my desk and all of a sudden it over took my whole body and I started to hyperventilate and I went to the main desk at work which happens to be the nurses station at my work and I could barely say what was wrong, all I could do is gasp for air and ball cry uncontrollably!! It was horrible and scary as hell, they walked we into a room and all try to calm me down and take deep breaths and calm down. Well about 15 minutes later I was calm but I still was taken to urgent care and everything came back fine but the doctor told me to take the week off of work and relax……..I had this happen once before over 5 years ago and I hope to never have that happen again!!

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