I Don’t Wanna Grow Up!

13 Apr

I’m 25 today, as Facebook will vouch for, and though I’m grateful to be alive and surrounded by so many amazing people, I also am fucking pissed. You probably don’t care about my first world problems, but I’ll tell you anyways. My problem is that I DON’T WANT TO GROW UP. Like, for real. I want to be forever 21, like the store, but not cheap and without the music that makes you want to punch babies. You feel me? Every day I hear about someone getting married or pregnant, and I get people saying things like, “When you have kids…”. Um, fuck that shit! I’m 25. Since when is 25 the age to start poppin’ out humans? Even if I get married in the next few years, I want to LIVE before I have a miniature me mooching off all my funds, and eating all my food and shit. Here’s what I want to do:

I want to sleep late, I want to have a goblet of wine with every meal, I want to waste my money and regret it in the morning, I want to scream the word “FUCK!” on, I want to sleep late on the weekends without worrying about hopping in an SUV to drive anyone to soccer (I hate soccer!), I want to put pictures up on Facebook during a time that people can’t judge me for being a bad mother, and most of all, I don’t want to watch Caillou. I want to go to Disney World and not have to ride Dumbo 75 times. I also want to be drunk while I’m at Disney. I don’t want to do hardcore drugs, but I want to know in the back of my mind that I could do hardcore drugs if I wanted to without DSS up in biz-nass. Don’t worry mom, I’m just kidding about hardcore drugs. I want to pick up and go to California whenever the fuck I feel like. I want to write a blog trashing an outdoor patio on 3A in Weymouth with the knowledge that if I wanted to, I could damn well go to that outdoor patio and not feel guilty that there is a baby at my house waiting for me to feed it. I want to provoke white trash in beat up mini vans to chase me around Wollaston. I want to reverse time and go back to playing cops and robbers. I want to have pixie stick chugging contests. I want to wear Power Ranger high tops without judgement. I want to be able to go to the fucking Quick Pick with a dollar and be able to afford a bottle of soda, with some change left for penny candy. I want to go to Cathay Pathetic every single goddamn holiday after my mom cooks dinner so that I can order scorpion bowls up the ying yang. I want to dive into a ball pit without fearing needles. But I don’t want to do that because I am chasing a child around. I want to dive into that fucking ball pit on my own terms. I WANT A HAPPY MEAL FOR BEING GOOD. But not all the time, then I’d be really fat. I want to work 12 hours max a week at local Stop & Shop and be able to walk out if a friend comes up with a good plan for a summer night because I don’t have bills to pay. And when the school year starts back up and I want some money to play with, I want to go back to that same Stop & Shop, and have my friend who works there ask them for my job back and when the manager says, “No, she walked out during a shift”, my friend will respond, “Yeah…because she had baby problems.” (True story, my friend got me my job at Stop & Shop back by telling a perverted supervisor that I had walked out on my shift during the summer due to being pregnant. Got my job back for another shitty/awkward year of cashiering.) I want to throw in 5 bucks with 3 people on a 30 rack and drink it in the woods until 10pm, then have my mom pick me up and drive my ass home. I want to get indoor suspension for the day because grown up people think they are punishing us for skipping class by putting us in a room, and having us miss class with a bunch of friends and degenerates while a history teacher tells us about the time he was tripping and thought he was an eagle. I want to be able to eat whatever I want without worrying because my metabolism hasn’t caught up to me yet. And that’s what I want to do.

But…if I don’t want the curfew, I guess I’ll have to deal with growing up. Fuck it.


One Response to “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up!”

  1. Stephanie April 14, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

    haha, friggin love that shit!!!

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