My Sunburn

18 Apr

While in New York City this past weekend, I sat on the top roof part thingy of one of those tour buses, directly in the sunlight. Usually I’m Little Miss Safe Sun, but I left my sunblock at home, not really thinking about the weather in the excitement of visiting the big city. I mean, it’s not like I was going to Cancun. There are buildings in NYC and buildings equal shade, right? Eh, I don’t know. So anyways, I got a sunburn on one of my shoulders because I was wearing an off the shoulder shirt. Not a bad sunburn, just your normal white girl sunburn that fades away after 2-3 days. But it was the first bit of color I’ve gotten this season, and I was immediately reminded of how people treat us pale people the second I stepped out of my house. Every time I get a sunburn, people who don’t burn give me so much shit. They don’t make fun of me, other than calling me a lobster (good one!), but they point it out every chance they get. Like, I can’t even walk to the bathroom at work without someone yelling “OH MY LANTA! LOOK AT YOU! YOU HAVE THE WORST BURN! Does it hurt? Do you have aloe? Aloe has stuff in it that soothes the pain! You should use some. Were you at the beach ALL DAY without sunblock? Did you fall asleep in the sun for 78 hours?! You poor thing!”. Sigh. No, none of those things. I was on an open roof bus for the day and got a mediocre burn on half of my left shoulder. It does not hurt, and I know what aloe is, but thanks Doogie Howser, M fucking D. I didn’t wear sunblock because I obviously didn’t realize what the weather was going to be like and forgot to check online. My burn will not turn to a tan, I might have slight color, but I will not tan after the burn peels off. I will go back to white. And I am completely fine with that. As a matter of fact, I like my skin and could give a fuck less about tanning. I am not one of those airhead retards who are pale ass white and won’t accept that they don’t tan so continue to go to Sun Factory every day of their lives and eventually get melanoma. If I want a glow, I go spray tanning. You should see my prom dress, it was once off white, and now has gold stains around the edges. I’ve accepted that I do not tan, embraced my white skin, and when I go to the beach I SPF myself the fuck up continuously through the day, and leave when I feel I’m roasting. Hold your comments because you don’t really feel bad for me and my sunburn, you’re just pointing it out because you’re smug about your tanning abilities that you were born with/have no control over and like to point out someone’s flaws in front of 7-13 people to make yourself feel better. Well, guess what motherfucker?! A TAN IS SKIN DAMAGE, TOO. Yeah, UV rays cause DNA damage, whether you burn or tan. So go on Facebook and upload some ridiculously self absorbed pictures of yourself taken by yourself from your boobies down the rest of your body, as you lay there in your whore string bikini. SHOW THE WORLD HOW BRONZE YOU ARE BECAUSE EVERYONE CARES AND EVERYONE THINKS GOOD THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU WHEN THEY SEE YOUR  LAME HALF NAKEY PICTURES.

And please tan people, when pale people like me get a sunburn, act concerned for my overall health. Because we are SUCH GOOD ACQUAINTANCES that it would make sense for you to care. And because you know more than me how bad my life sucks being pale. It’s so bad that when I apply for jobs, I get an automated email response from the employer stating “No Irish Need Apply”. And people chuck potatoes and cans of Miller High Life at me while I walk down the street with my head down, donning a large hat to block the sun. I mean, I can understand if I had 3rd degree burns, but I have a minor sunburn on one goddamn shoulder and every tanner person walking by me has had a look of utter shock on their faces when they see it. How do they react to severe burn victims? Probably like assholes, that’s how. I’m not bitter about my pale skin, I honestly could give a fuck less. A little tan looks great, but pale skin really does not bother me. And I don’t know why it bothers other girls. It’s such a trivial problem. Right before I got on lunch today at work, some lady yelling at me about her bill randomly goes, “And you have a sunburn and shouldn’t have done that”! Like…what? I thought you were angry about paying a large sum of money, not about the condition of my skin? All you tanners out there who think you’re the fucking man because you tan, and I don’t, know this: You will one day look like that dude at Nantasket beach who lays on the beach wall, listening to a portable radio from the 1960’s, topless, with skin resembling the brown leather couch in my dad’s man cave in the basement – only imagine the leather is sweaty and has faded tattoos. Woah. I’m not in a good mood today. Must be my sunburn…


2 Responses to “My Sunburn”

  1. Stephanie April 18, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

    Friggin Funny shit!!!

  2. Stephanie April 18, 2012 at 5:45 pm #

    I’m soooo ready for Fuck You Friday!!
    Oi Vay (however the hell u spell it) Why in the name of God is it only Wednesday????

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