The Cinco De Mayo Checklist

4 May

Oh, hey guys! Long time no type! To be honest, I’ve been completely lazy about writing this week. But I just HAD to write today, because I don’t blog on weekends and I have to give you my advice on how to have the most gringo-licious Cinco De Mayo on this side of the Mexican border.

1. Mask your ignorance by donning a fun and festive sombrero that you picked up at your local IParty for $13.99. Maybe buy a Mexicany looking mustache to get the entire “douchey gringo who tries too hard” look.

2. Go to Acapulco’s, Margarita’s, or La Paloma. If you’re a hipster gringo go to Border Cafe in Cambridge. If you don’t have one of those restaurants in your area, host a taco night at your house instead. Make sure to bring Tostito’s and con queso.

3. Order a bucket of Corona’s. If you’re in the mood for something fun and flirty, order a Margarita. Oh giiirrrrl, you loca! Don’t drink too many, you’ll get el burn of de hearte (that’s Spanish for heartburn!!!).

4. Order a Dorito shelled taco from Taco Bell.

5. Start early by celebrating Cinco de Mayo eve, otherwise known as “Quatro de Mayo”.You can do this by drunkenly swinging at a pinata you have yet to purchase from IParty.

6. Have a week long marathon of the movie “Selena”. Cry. Curse the bitch who killed her. Drink away the pain of her death you wouldn’t have remembered if not for watching the movie “Selena” in Spanish class every year of your high school career.

7. Find a mariachi band. Pretend you have rhythm. If that fails, clap for them while nodding your head and stomping one foot the way white people clap for things.

8. Go to the Liquor Store and hop on the mechanical bull. Make damn sure you are wearing your sombrero, or you might as well not ride the bull at all.

9. Puke up your margaritas/Corona’s and Dorito shelled taco.

10. Make a countdown to El Dia De Los Muertos because you like to pour some liquor out for Tupac using Mexican holidays, too. Jose Cuervo.

11. Spice up your conversations while also showing people who semi-bilingual you are by throwing in some Spanish words. Use words such as “manzana”, and “pantelones”, and “guapo”. But don’t try to conjugate any verbs (that was the lesson that made you uninterested in being bilingual and earned you a C-, remember?).

Okay! Now that you know how to make your Cinco de Mayo extra gringo-licious, you should print out this checklist and get started on offending an entire culture! Any excuse to binge drink after college, right?! Una ves mas! Ariba!

Disclaimer: This is sarcasm.


One Response to “The Cinco De Mayo Checklist”

  1. Brett May 8, 2012 at 11:57 pm #

    La Paloma: Making white people in Quincy feel multicultural for over 25 years!

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