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Everyone Has A Friend They Think Is Going to Flip The Fuck Out & Kill Everyone

7 May

I’m so sick of hearing people say, “Oh my God! It’s so true what Dane Cook said about everyone having a friend named Karen that everyone in the group hates!”. First of all, Karen isn’t THAT common of a name with people my age and under. The only “friend” named “Karen” that I have is my shrink, and I’m not even sure if that’s her real name, or if she considers me her friend. My point is: there is no Karen in my group. Second of all, it is really douchey to say that everyone in the group hates this “friend” named “Karen”. Poor Karen. You are obviously not a friend to her, and I hope you catch her with yo man at some point in your “friendship”. Third of all, fuck Dane Cook.

But anyways, there is one type of friend that I do think that everyone has, and that friend is “The Friend That You Think Is Going To Flip The Fuck Out & Kill Everyone”. I know, crazy, right? But think about it. Think of that friend you have that no one can make harmless jokes against because they’ll look at you like they are plotting something sinister by the time you get to the punchline. Don’t laugh at my expense, bitch…that kind of look times 10 million. You don’t want to dump this friend because you make excuses as to why you still hang with them, like you feel bad about their parents’ amicable divorce that occurred when your friend was 4 months old. But really, you are still friends because you are kind of terrified because they own a machete and live next door. Still disagree? Come on, you know you have that one friend who sends you really bizarre texts when they are drunk. Or maybe they post really cryptic statuses or tweets late night, and you aren’t sure what the fuck it means. You know, it’ll say something like, “Soon.”, or “You’ll see.”. Just really obscure and flat out scary one or two word statuses that raise so many red flags. And the next morning when you are recapping the night before’s events with your best friend you’ll both be like “Oh em GEE! What the heck was UP with _______’s weirdo status last night at 3am?!”. And you’ll laugh about it, until one of you runs out of breath and says, “Yeah…he’s/she’s really going to fucking kill us all some day….”. Then there is silence on the line as you and your besty think about that friend driving you and another one of your posse into a dark alley, and you are buzzed and not paying attention until the car stops and you open your eyes and say “Hey…this isn’t the Wendy’s drive up! What the fuck ________?!” Only your friend you think is going to flip the fuck out and kill everyone won’t respond to your question. He/she will just lock eyes with you, only his/her eyes are dead on the inside. Then you’ll break the stare and notice zip ties on the dash and it is at that moment that you’ll realize your fate. All those cryptic statuses will make sense. All those times your friend sat silently/creepily looking into his/her Jack & Coke at the bar like he/she was thinking of murdering puppies as cute as Boo the dog while everyone else was busy socializing. It will all make perfect sense. And when you are done getting murdered and dismembered, your craaaazy friend will then leave another cryptic message in blood on a nearby wall that says, “HELTER SKELTER!”. Then he/she will off themselves by ingesting cyanide and the horror will be over…until their obituary comes out and your remaining friends see his/her middle name in bold letters, Times New Roman: “KAREN”.

So go ahead and keep laughing about that craaazy friend of yours that you think might kill you someday. But laugh with the knowledge that you have pepper spray in your back pocket. Because that shit stings. Better safe than sorry/dismembered! That’s my motto. Good luck.

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One Response to “Everyone Has A Friend They Think Is Going to Flip The Fuck Out & Kill Everyone”

  1. westwind59 October 13, 2012 at 5:21 am #

    At firdt few sentences I was alsery angry with you, thinking she Dost know what the hell,, then Inall fairness I resd the rest, and some where in the middle you had me thinking you accualy are on to somewhat how I think, in my desprate crazy thoguhts wich might turn into actions, then, I’m noyt so sure you like your article can understand me, I’m elete and I think all of us whom you are talking about are differant at the same tme, I know I am althou you did strike my attention, wich says alot….I wish I coul;d control this, but the world is my enemy, that means everybody, even My Mother, so on ….as yopu have vivadly expressed, I wish I could talk to you more…all I need is my Meds and they wont give the right one to me, when dose my opinon count !

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