Life Before Facebook

7 May

It’s pretty trippy to think of what life was like before Facebook existed. I mean, yeah, there was Myspace…which was pretty much the same thing sans status updates, but let’s talk before  any social networking websites. Like, what the fuck did we do on the internet before Facebook? How did we satisfy our inner creep? Besides chatting on AIM, I can’t even remember what I did when I went online. And when I think of AIM, I can’t understand what the big deal was. It is basically just Facebook chat with an “info” button where you put lame quotes about your boyfriend, or list your girlfriends initials in hot pink Comic Sans with corny sayings next to them like “ArMed N dAnGeOuS, Ain’T toO MaNy Can BeNg WiT Us!”. Um…no. The only thing 15 year old girls are armed with is Cucumber Melon body spray and desperation. Erase that immediately and calm the fuck down. Also, try to remember your roots: the SUBURBS. Straight up weed, no angel dust. I guess AIM was important back then because no one texted or communicated much in any other way. Not everyone had cell phones. If they did have them, they had minutes that got used up over the course of one weekend, due to being one of the only kids who had access to one, so everyone else used it to make calls. I remember using my mom’s GIANT Nokia on weekends so she could get in touch with me when I was 1.3 seconds past curfew. If I remember correctly, there was a text message icon, but I never used it. I just played Snake and got in touch with the 1-2 other friends I had who owned cell phones. And how much did it suck when your friends used up all those minutes and their phones went straight to voicemail? You literally had to troop all over the place to all of your local hangs to find them. If you were lucky, you found them at your first stop. Or you would at least find evidence that they were there recently (IE: there was fresh spit on the ground in front of the stoop/bench your guy friends sat at). Yup, it was hard times. We were truly roughin’ it.

Before Facebook, social situations were a lot more personal. There were no event invitations that took 5 seconds to create. If you wanted to hangout with someone, you picked up the land line and gave them a call, probably interrupting their service and kicking them offline in the process. How awkward. If you wanted to let people know about your awesome/important social life, you put up an away message that said “Out for the night, hit me up!”. If you really wanted to impress people, that status would go idle. Yeah, you are SO busy that you are idle on AIM. Or you could be vague about your whereabouts and make people wonder by using the default “I Am Away From My Computer Right Now” message. Maybe you weren’t even really away. You were just sitting there creeping, pretending you were away and only IM’ing those who were deserving enough to know that you weren’t away. Bell of the virtual fucking ball. You probably got so many calls on your high tech cellular device that you had zero minutes left. Those who were desperately trying to get in touch with you would just have to leave you a voicemail to ignore.

Other than AOL instant messenger, I honestly can’t recall what I did on the internet before Facebook. Did Perez Hilton have a website back then? Was he a giant douche even without the internet as a platform? It is very likely. My memories of life before social networking is a giant blur of Mortimer Goth, Napster, and instant messaging. My social life other than going out on weekends consisted of CCD and skipping class. Nowadays, you don’t have to get a coffee during algebra class to socialize. You can just text or Facebook stalk on your Iphone while the teacher is rambling about integers or whatever the fuck math is about. You can get the boy who sits in front of you to notice your existence by virtually/creepily poking him. Imagine how awkward you would feel physically poking him? Or worse…striking up a real life conversation?!


One Response to “Life Before Facebook”

  1. Vanessa Bianca May 7, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    Sims, creep AOL profiles (different than AIM info!), AOL chatrooms, Snood, and Slingo via AOL. 🙂

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