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Cubicle Etiquette

23 May

Anyone who works in an office knows that there is something called “office etiquette”, and if they don’t know about it, then  that means they are probably the person in the office who everyone fucking hates. Though I no longer work in an office, I did work in one for 4 years, so that makes me an expert. Office etiquette is some serious shit. So, let me inform you about it so that you are not the office douchebag.

1. Cubicles: If you are new to the office, and you are given a cubicle, you should be fucking grateful. Some people have to share cubicles. Probably the smuggest thing in the world that you could do as a newbie, is bring all your shit to your cubicle on the first day of the job. I’ve seen people come in on day 1 or day 2, with a box filled with their cubicle knickknacks and proceed to decorate with pictures of their boyfriends, or cats, or bastard children. Fuck that, you need to earn your right for cubicle paraphernalia/apparatuses! You don’t just come in with your Pez dispenser collection and mass cards from your great grandma’s wake and pin it up next to your list of extensions. You add shit to your cubicle decor one thing at a time. I don’t care if it takes months to accumulate. If you go into your new office acting like you own that cubicle, you need to remind yourself that you are just renting it…bitch.

2. Shitting Where You Eat: Don’t shit where you eat. If you don’t get it, then let me rephrase that for you: don’t dip your pen in company ink. Because when you end things, it will make everything awkward and work will suck. Work sucks enough without opposite sex drama.

3. Literally Shitting Where You Work: If you’re going to literally take a shit while you’re at work, at least use some Febreze. And don’t try to get away with spraying the area down with Bath & Body Works body spray. It will just smell like “Moonlight Path to a Shitty Toilet”. You’re not foolin’ anyone. You might think your shit don’t stank, but it does.  And your coworkers are judging you for it.

4. Beware of Good Job Charts: They only cause insane competition throughout the office. My office had one once, and it was anarchy. You would go into work and see that one of your coworkers got a sticker on the chart for a job well done, and you would start to question it…“Oh so she filed ONCE in her life and SHE gets a sticker?! I file every Goddamn day, where are my 79 stickers!”. A Good Job Chart can turn friends into enemies. 5. Change the fucking toner: Don’t be “that guy” who doesn’t change the toner due to “not knowing how”. If the toner is low, fucking change it you lazy slob. If you don’t know how, then read the directions and stop being an idiot. Your like 26 now. It’s time to learn how to change the ink in the printer. Also, don’t be “that guy” who calls IT  for a paper jam. Open the copier up and pull that shit out yourself. This is America. And we utilize copiers. A lot.

6. Don’t wear the same outfit you wore to your interview the first day of your new job: No, we don’t want no scrubs. 7. Offer everyone coffee: When you announce that you are running out for coffee, ask everyone if they want a coffee or don’t announce it at all. It’s like pulling out a pack of gum in front of If only one or two people asks you to get them one, don’t accept money from them. Just say “Hit me back next time you get coffee”. Coffee is like $2.00. Don’t be cheap. On the flip side, if you are the person who is given the coffee, make sure you return the favor at some point. Don’t be a mooch. No one likes mooches. No one likes Boxes of Joe either. Just get individual coffees. It will make your coworkers feel special. Like their coffee choice is unique to them.

8. Office gossip: Don’t ever gossip about coworkers via email. It’s physical evidence!!!

9. Leave my rubber band ball the fuck alone: And don’t try to take credit for how big it is. You didn’t build it. You didn’t feed it. You didn’t provide it shelter from the storm. So put it down and make your own rubber band ball. Asshole.

10. I’m not your fucking secretary: Don’t leave the tedious shit for me to do. Do work, son! Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m on it. Yay! Now people won’t hate you!

*Thanks to NM & AF for the inspiration via working with me in an office.

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3 Responses to “Cubicle Etiquette”

  1. CubicleViews May 23, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    Molly, thanks for joining the choir and preaching the same tune! Very well put and I’m sure I couldn’t have said it any better!

  2. penguins13 May 24, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

    You forgot the part about Smelly Lunches. Don’t pollute the microwave with your smelly lunch. Ugh!

  3. Allison June 24, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

    AF still wishes she worked in that office with you. Even if sometimes there was a hint of “Oil of Mollay”

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