Jorts Season

15 Jun

Oh, hey guys! Just wanted to talk about the fugliest season of the year: jorts season. Don’t you just love walking the boardwalk on a warm summer night, wind hitting you in your drunk face, and all is good in the world? Suddenly in the distance, you see a hottie. And you walk closer and closer to that hotter, getting increasingly excited because he looks like Ryan Gosling’s twin brother. But that all comes crashing down when you give that hottie the elevator eyes…and your eyes stop dead on his waist/thigh area. Jean shorts. This bro has gone from Ryan Gosling hottie to the ugliest Baldwin. And on top of his atrocious attire, you also notice he kind of smells. How could a piece of Wrangler denim fabric make this guy go from sexy stud to middle aged, station wagon driving, balding dad on a vacation in the 1980’s? I don’t know. But that’s the effect that jorts has on a person. They might make a man feel rugged and comfortable and masculine. But in reality they look like this:

Woah, those second to the last pair of jorts are the jortiest jorts I’ve ever seen. The good news is that there are exceptions to wearing jorts. If you are a female wearing short jhorts, go for it. If you are a thug, go for it. But you must be a black thug. Otherwise, no dice Slim Shady.

What I’m trying to say here is, I know most of you men love your jorts. But do yourself a solid, and our eyes a favor, and burn them. It will work out for the best. If it makes you sad to part with your jorts, just remember how uncomfortable they are when they are wet. How are you going to go for a spontaneous swim this summer if you’re wearing jorts? You might as well just wear mandals with socks. BURN THEM.



One Response to “Jorts Season”

  1. Jen July 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm #

    Just out of curiosity, what would you prefer guys to wear if not “jorts”?

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