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Advice for the girl being stalked by a creepy old man.

16 Jul

I love doling out advice I have no business giving. Here’s a question I received today:

“For lack of a better term, I am being stalked by an older gentleman, so I’ve been staying away from Quincy bars because of him. I don’t want to get my brother involved because that’s bad news bears and it all kind of started when I worked at a Quincy restaurant/bar and I’m just too damn friendly and naive. You’ve probably seen him before! He goes into every Quincy Center bar, has two beers, doesn’t talk to anyone, moves on.  My friends suggest hiding in my room forever or going into Boston every night, but I figured you could give me a better way to turn him off from me? Like something batshit crazy I could do to make him leave me alone? “

Ahh, creepy old man stalkers. Every female has been there at some point. You are nice to them once, because you’re a nice person who thinks life is rainbows and butterflies and weirdos don’t exist. Then the creep takes advantage of your niceness and convinces you he is Ted Bundy reincarnated and less good looking. Happens all the time. You can ignore them all you want, but you feel their creepy lifeless eyes drilling into you as you are facing the opposite direction. The first thing I did when I read this, was consult an expert on the male species: my boyfriend. I swear, he’s an expert, he’s been a male his entire life and he knows what a girl can do to turn the average male completely off. He told me to do exactly what I expected: RIP ASS. Yup, I hate to say it, but you need to let one rip in front of this dude. Fucking gross, I know. But creepy or not, he’ll be turned off. The only problem here is, alcohol can dull the senses, and you see this guy when you are at bars, where there is booze. So maybe his sense of smell won’t be as keen as usual. He also might not be able to tell the gas belongs to you if the bar is crowded and loud and the Call Me Maybe club remix is playing. Even scarier, what if he gets turned ON by your flatulence? That would add a whole new level of creepy to this situation. So we need a plan B.

PLAN B: Tell him you are flattered by his persistent creeping, but you have baggage in the form of genital warts that pop up too often. How can you simply bring up HPV when you are terrified of this man? Easy, scratch your crotch and be like “Fuckin’ Valtrex isn’t working!”, or ask him directly if Valtrex and vodka can be mixed. He’ll get the picture…

But what if he doesn’t? We will need a plan C. When he’s near you, ask him his first and last name and what part of Quincy he’s from. This will get him all hot in bothered, because you sound interested. THEN whip out your phone and add him as a contact into your phone, he will definitely give you his number (probably to his mom’s house). Assuming you’re not poor and have the internet on your phone (if you are poor, well you have other things to worry about), tell him you want to show him something and pull up this exact blog entry. People get really pissed when I blog about them (see Bitches and Bitches Pt 2 and I’m Really Mad At Rider Strong). Tell him this blog is about him because you wrote to me for fucking ADVICE because you are so creeped out. Tell him that you have his name/number and you’ll send me this information, so unless he wants to be known as the Quincy Center creeper he better stop being such a fucking creep and leave you alone. Then tell him to eat dog food and die, scream “HELTER SKELTER!!!” real quick, and calmly walk away.

Hope this helps.

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