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Frenemies

20 Jul

For anyone reading this who is two thirds to a retard and can’t comprehend what a “frenemy” is, it’s basically a fake friend. Or a friend with motives. Just a bad friend. And for those who are just 1/3 to a retard, you might not be able to tell if you have a frenemy. So I’m here to tell you if your shitty friend is actually a frenemy – because that’s what frenemies are, shitty friends. Remember that not every friendship is perfect, but a frenemy is consistently imperfect.  Here are some typical frenemy behaviors:

  • Bailing on plans with you when something better comes up: I hate the word “ditch”, because I try to be as understanding as possible when plans don’t happen. I work full time and sometimes I need to cancel on plans that seemed like a fabulous idea at the time, but then it turns out I’m tired as shit and I just cannot commit.  I get that life happens and things don’t go as planned all the time. I also try to be understanding to the fact that sometimes big things come up and people need to cancel smaller plans. I wouldn’t be pissed if one of my girlfriends cancelled a lunch date with me to the Wendy’s drive up if Ryan Gosling asked her on a date. I’d be jealous, hell yeah! But honestly, if she cancels because some once in a lifetime shit comes up, no big. I do take issue with a friend consistently making plans with me, only to cancel because someone else has a plan that sounds better to her. For example, that same girlfriend cancelled our Wendy’s escapade for the 7th time to go on a McDonald’s excursion with another friend. A better way to put it, is by saying a frenemy will make numerous plans and go with whatever appeals to her, that way she has a fall back in case the “better” plan falls through. She will weigh her options and always have plans because she overbooks herself. Don’t make someone a priority if they only consider you an option. Ya feel me?! PS: I don’t really have Wendy’s lunch dates. I have Wendy’s late dinner dates at 2am. There’s a difference.
  • Putting you down and always trying to one up you: The right wing-woman will talk her friend up and make her feel good about herself. Do you have a friend who is consistently just SHITTING on you while your trying to talk to a guy? Not legit shitting, sickos. But she will bring up moments that are definitely not your finest and broadcast them to whoever will listen (whoever is actually listening will probably pick up on your frenemy’s douchebaggery and stop listening anyways). She also will do her best to one up you. You are the proud owner of C cups? Well, she’s a D cup. You have a 3.9 GPA? She’s got a 4.0 (And I think you’re BOTH liars!). You get the point. A friend should bring out your good qualities, not the fact that you once sniffed cocaine off the back of the toilet at the Up’s N Downs.
  • Flirts with your crush or your ex: Is there anything moreannoying than when someone who is supposed to be you friend is all over your crush? Yeah, I’m sure that there are more annoying things, like mosquitoes are pretty annoying. So is the sound of a child screaming/crying/laughing/etc.. But still, it’s pretty fucking annoying to witness a “friend” flirt with someone you like. And if you have a friend who does this, you should know that this person is not your friend, but a frenemy. But try not to look at it as annoying anymore. Look at it as a desperate plea for attention. Your frenemy is just trying to validate herself by attempting to prove that she is more desirable. In turn, she only ends up looking like an evil whore. So don’t worry about it. And if she tries to pull the same shit with your ex, just remember that they’d probably make a great couple because their Match.com profiles probably list the same traits: pathetic, desperate, vindictive, spineless, untrustworthy, commitment issues, functional alcoholic, poor self esteem, self-hating, douchebag, and last but not least, whore.
  • You have a feeling you are the topic of malicious conversation the second you leave the room: If you feel like your the center of a bitch-fest started by your “friend”, linger in the hallway for a second after you say you’re leaving. You’ll be reassured that you should always trust your gut instinct when you hear her ask if anyone else noticed how many Tostito’s you dunked into the con queso sauce during your hangout session. That old saying “To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends” is true when you are talking about fake friends.
  • She gives you backhanded compliments: A backhanded compliment is a compliment with a demeaning subtext. For example: “You look good in those jeans for someone your size!”. This is her way of making herself feel superior to you. She might also encourage you to date guys whom she doesn’t find remotely attractive. On the contrary, she may tell you that the guy you like is way out of your league. I had girls (who were not friends) tell me this when they found out about the last guy I had a crush on. That guy is now my current boyfriend. These girls were just saying this to make themselves feel superior to me. When you find yourself asking your other friends why this one girl is speaking to you in the manner that she is, that could be the biggest sign pointing towards a frenemy that you’re going to get.
  • She just cannot be happy for you: Everything in your life is going great. Successful career, great relationship, brand new car, etc. But for some reason when your hanging out with this one girl she keeps dwelling on the fact that your boyfriend makes less money than you. This has never been important to you, it’s 2012. So why is she constantly asking in that innocent voice if it bothers you. Why is this topic always brought up when you have reassure her that you don’t care? If something good happens to her, you’re her biggest cheerleader. But when good things happen to you, she shoots you down and points out all of the negative. She speaks out of jealousy and self-doubt and that’s why she can’t be happy for you. And jealousy is a common human trait, but when this girl is consistently jealous to that point that she down your happiness, that’s when you know your friendship is toxic.

Always remember: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” (Eleanor Roosevelt – I think? Too lazy to Google it). So give it right back and then separate yourself from this individual. Don’t let anyone talk to you like they are better than you. No one is better than anyone. Okay, some people are better than others but that’s for a different blog. But by a certain age, you should be over having bad friends. Don’t waste your time or energy. If you are depressed or stressed out or emotionally drained when you get off the phone with a friend, you should probably take it as a sign and reevaluate your friendship with this person. They are likely a frenemy.

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One Response to “Frenemies”

  1. Katie Thomas (@KDT7688) July 20, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

    Yes Molly… You are far wiser at 25 than so many… which is why I enjoy your blog so very much. I usually read you on my phone, & then pass the phone over to my husband so he can read. Keep on with your Beyonce self.

    **Keep your friends close… your enemies closer… and your frenemies right by your frigging side…**

    Flirts with your crush or your ex:
    Especially when they start banging your 37yr. old ex-husband (who is still your close friend) 2 weeks after your 2nd wedding (to a smoking hot 24 yr old – yeah I traded in for a younger man… go F’in me- that she attended)… lie about it for months (because she said would never betray your 19yr friendship like that)… even have your kids hide the relationship… and then break his heart when he starts to want more from the relationship, because well… not only did you seduce him (aka get him falling down drunk on tequila shots) just to see if you can… but, to try to get someone else jealous (someone that I had 20+ years ago too… wow, you REALLY like my leftovers huh?)… And now you still act like we are besties?

    Oh sorry… this was about your blog…
    You were saying?…

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