“I’m soooooooo fat!!!!!”

1 Aug

Remember the other day when I said being called “hun” was the most annoying thing to hear in the world? Well, I lied. Because then I heard 4 skinny girls call themselves fat today, and it reminded me how badly I want to slap thin girls who call themselves “fat”. Dear thin girls who call themselves “fat”: consider this blog a warning. If you call yourself fat in front of me, I am going to tell you to please hold while I run to Stop & Shop to purchase a bloody, uncooked, filet mignon to slap the shit out of you with. You know you’re not fat. I know you’re not fat. We both know it. So stop saying it. Because you know what I automatically think when you say that you’re fat? I think that you are a weak ass douche who needs to fish for compliments to make herself feel better. Because that’s what you’re doing unless you have another major problem that should be addressed during an intervention. And you know what else? You’re making real fat girls feel like shit, and you’re making them angry. And you know what happens when fat girls get angry? They eat. So basically, you’re contributing to the obesity epidemic in America, and you should be ashamed of yourself. The only people who are allowed to bitch about being fat, are girls who are at least 10-20 pounds overweight. Got it? So enough of the complaining, and enough of the Facebook and Twitter picture uploads of your one slice of pizza with a caption under it that reads “Fat kid status!”. You’re not fat and you’re trying to steal the little  sympathy that real fat people need from non fat people. It’s just not right. And as for real fat girls, you shouldn’t complain about being fat either, because it makes me sad for you that you are sad. So everyone needs to follow my 10-20 pound rule. Only girls who are 10-20 pounds overweight can bitch about being fat. And they can only do so in a funny way. Like right now, I’m going to bitch about being fat. Here I go (note- please read this next paragraph  in a a shrilly, nasally, annoying girl voice):

I’m soooooooooooooooo fat!!!!!!!!!! I’m like a few pounds over what I should be for my age, gender, and height!!!!!!!!!! Life is sooooooooooooooo hard!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to have unlimited buffalo chicken but I can’t because I already ate my daily calorie allowance and it’s only 2:51pm!!!!!!!!!! It’s sooo difficult to be alive!!!!!!

God. It’s like the season finale of the HBO show Girls when Adam tells Lena Dunham that she thinks her life is so hard because she’s 11 pounds overweight and Lena’s character replies, “I’m 13 pounds overweight and it has been awful for me my whole life!”.

You’re not fat. So shut up. No one likes a skinny girl who pretends to think she is fat. Bitch. We like Lena Dunham, though. She’s great.


One Response to ““I’m soooooooo fat!!!!!””

  1. JULIE August 1, 2012 at 7:07 pm #

    So beyond true and very annoying… Right up there with this is posting a picture of yourself with “I look so horrible in this pic” or some version of such…. STFU if it was really a bad pic then why did you post it!!! One of the many reason why I cant stand most girls

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: