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Superlatives

1 Aug

I know that everyone always says, “Oh em gee, I am the EASIEST person to get along with! Like, you have no idea!”…but for me, it’s a FACT. I am sooooooo nice to everyone that everyone thinks I’m too nice and then I have to read self help articles about how to be a bitch. I am so nice that I was voted “friendliest” in the 2001 Central Middle School yearbook. Unfortunately, I cannot take a picture of the yearbook superlatives to prove this to you, because the superlatives were taken away from my CMS class due to members of the yearbook staff allegedly cheating by lying about number of votes for Class Flirt. A teacher somehow found out and took the entire yearbook section of Superlatives away. I don’t know who would want Class Flirt anyways, because by high school Class Flirt = Biggest Slut.

To be honest, I was on the yearbook staff, but I swear I wasn’t the one who cheated. I mean, who would cheat to win Friendliest? Okay, to be honest’er I did cheat a little bit when my friend John and I told our entire division to vote us for Most Studious. It’s not like we purposely added votes while we were counting them, people really did vote for us. We just gave them a little push to do so. We just wanted to laugh about it years after the fact. And to maybe make our moms give us money for half day Tuesday lunch at Friendly’s. But karma came back and bit us in the ass when we actually won the title. For anyone who went to Central Middle School, you’d know about the “Lab” program (the kids who scored better on the California Achievement Test in the 4th fucking grade and therefore were put in separate divisions for gifted individuals, where they learned about slope and the stockmarket….PSSHHHTT! Give me the California Achievement Test now and we’ll see what’s up now! Long division is my BITCH nowadays! Just not fractions, those can fuck off.). So anyways, I was in “Standard” classes. And my friend and I won Most Studious after forcing our classmates to vote for us, and we were called out of class one morning by a Lab teacher who ran the yearbook committee. Once out in the hallway with this lady, she proceeded to ram us new buttholes about how we cheated a REAL studious lab student out of the Most Studious title and she was hard pressed not to strip us of our titles. Okay. I saw how it was. Central didn’t want to give the underdogs the MVP award. I guess my Standard straight A’s were not up to par with this lady and her students, who understood fractions at their age better than I do at age 25. I was insulted that she assumed we cheated rather than catching us red handed, but fuck it, I still had Friendliest in the bag without having to cheat. I’d say the Most Studious being ripped away from me so cruelly in the hallway that day affected me to this day, but it really didn’t. I mean, maybe I can blame the fact that I only went to a state college on this lab teacher but who really knows.

Anyways, now for the good part. The only reason I remembered this story tonight was because I was going through my box of shit from middle school and high school trying to get some blog inspiration. Yeah, I saved a ton of notes and bullshit from grades 7ish-12. EVERY GIRL DOES, FUCK YOU! But anyways, I was going through it and I found the fucking Central Middle School class of 2001 SUPERLATIVES HARD COPY/HANDWRITTEN KEY!!!!
Can you imagine my luck?! Scoring the Central Middle School Superlative final vote ballot?! I mean, I could tell the girl and guy who got Best Looking in the 8th grade that they were the winners all these years later, but I don’t want to make them blush. Plus I think that would be a pretty awkward Facebook message to write. Why did I end up with this final handwritten key? I don’t fucking know. I think everyone who was counting the Superlative votes had a copy. But I like to think that I was the only one. And that people are dying to know who dressed the nicest in the 8th grade (I bet whoever it was wore tons of Abercrombie & Fitch, whereas my broke ass wore strictly Old Navy. GOD, THANKS MOM! At least my O.N. Performance Fleece complimented my flared jeans and acne!). I would also like to point out another sad part of this story: all of the couples who were in the top ranking for Class Couple broke up by the time we were counting votes, and me and my 8th grade boyfriend still didn’t win. I’m just so glad I’m not being judged anymore…sigh. It’s hard to be so fucking friendly while also pretending to be studious all the time! Just let me live!!!!

PS: Do you think I can add the picture that says I am Most Studious as an attachment when I apply for jobs online? Like, it’s good for my resume, right?

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