Dear Teenage Girls

16 Aug

Dear Teenage Girls,

You think you look fat in that picture? In exactly 5 years from that date that you complained about it, you’ll look at the same picture and wish you still had that figure. So shut up and be grateful that you can eat Wendy’s so often and don’t see it on your gut. Few are so lucky.

I know that you think it’s romantic to make out with your boyfriend at a carnival or amusement park. But it’s gross for everyone else. And when you get older, you’ll look back on it and  recall how tacky you were.

Speaking of carnivals, don’t get in a fist fight at one. People are judging you for it. And rightfully so. Don’t act like a pile of trash.

On that note, don’t fist fight at all. It’s trashy.

Stop listening to such crappy music. You’ll probably trade a Flo Rida CD for a Michael Buble CD three years from now.

Remember your brain doesn’t stop developing until you’re 25 years old before you think you’re 100% right about everything.

It’s probably not important.

Does *67 still work? Use it.

If a guy comes in between you and your girlfriend, ditch the guy. He’s probably a tool, even if you don’t see it now. You’ll see it one day and you and that same girlfriend will think it’s sickening that you ever considered him an option.

Nothin’ like doing a drive by to make yourself feel better. But never do it alone. Bring girlfriends.

Be careful what you say to your mother. She’ll remember it for a long time. More importantly, you’ll remember it forever…and it will make you feel like shit.

You’re like 16. He’s not the one.

When considering what you want to do with the rest of your life, don’t consider a degree in Criminal Justice, Sociology, or Psychology, unless you are VERY passionate about it.  Plan accordingly, because high school won’t tell you what’s up.

I know “college isn’t for everyone”, but if you don’t have a sick job lined up, just go. Otherwise you’ll be bored and depressed once everyone else leaves.

Hang out in the woods. There’s nothing like those summer nights. Laughing, people peeing behind trees, bonfires, etc. It’s like that song by The Who come to life with some Dazed and Confused mixed in. It doesn’t get much better.

Don’t cry, he only said/did it to look cool in front of his friends. That and he’s a no good loser with nothing to offer and probably won’t grow much taller than that.

Don’t be jealous of that girl. She’ll probably just get pregnant. Then she’ll be jealous that you can afford Loius Vuitton, while she’s shopping in the toddler section at Target.

When the cops tell you to “go someplace else”, don’t tell them there is nowhere else. They’ll just tell you to go home.

Put your phone down. Why do you need a phone in high school? You’re in a building with every friend you’ve ever had.

Smoking doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you smell like you’ve been smoking.

Do you think that butterfly tramp stamp is a good idea?

Imagine your dad is watching you while you suck face on the corner.

CCD is not a “chore”. It’s a social event with all the friends you grew up with. Add in some bible thumping teachers who play in Christian rock bands during their free time, and you’ve got yourself a really fucked up club to go to every Wednesday night. Stop complaining, at least it’s not church.

Take off your thug boyfriend’s chain. I know when you dress like trash that you’re only trying to channel your inner Blake Lively from The Town, but you look like a dumb trollop who needs to be mothered.

Don’t shoplift. Be classy. Plus you’ll get caught. Your parents know you can’t afford all that make up.

Boys lie.

Skip class at least once a year. I’d say more, but parents would yell at me. I don’t want to get yelled at.

If you get caught skipping class, run from your school’s security guard. I know, I know. He already saw you, so you’re busted whether you run or not. But it will be funny/adventurous.

Don’t feel too bad about indoor suspension. It’s hilarious. Unless you’re in it all the time, in which case you’ll feel like a deadbeat. And look like one.

Eat a 5 piece nugget once in awhile. Your body can handle like 7 of them in a row.

Don’t experiment with anything hardcore. If it’s that hardcore, there is no experimenting. There is addiction/death. It’s rare to “only try heroin once or twice” without negative results. No one “just tries” heroin. You aren’t Superwoman.

Opt for the hoopty. You’re likely going to crash your first car.

Don’t be one of those teenagers who refuse to conform just because you’re insecure and want to look like you don’t care. You do care. Just go to the prom. It’s not conforming, it’s having fun. Plus it’ll give your mom a heart attack if she doesn’t get those pictures of you at the prom in front of the stupid chandelier.

You aren’t going to marry your high school sweetheart. So don’t base any major life decisions on him.

Your parents know that the bottle has been watered down, idiot.

Wear sweatpants to school. Just because you can. But be careful because you’re setting yourself up to get drooped.

Read the book. Some of your favorite books will be books you read in high school.

Speaking of which…

Holden Caulfield was right, people are phonies.

…But that doesn’t mean you should be one. Stop talkin’ so much crap. Only talk a little bit of crap.

Don’t let stupid fights ruin a good friendship. You’ll only have like 2-3 real friends if you’re lucky. If you have more than that, well, I guess you’ll think you’re the ish. You’re not. You’re a  decent human being, but don’t be smug. Or you’ll lose your 3+ friends.

Watch Mean Girls every time it’s on. It never gets old. Plus it’s fun to watch Lindsey Lohan before she looked all meth’ed out. Which reiterates my point: don’t try anything too hardcore.

Don’t worry about it.

You won’t take this advice. I didn’t take this advice. We learn the most through experience. Unfortunate.

I also feel bad for watering down her liquor to the point that my sister’s graduation party served non alcoholic sangria. Would I do that again? Obviously.

Just consider this advice during times you can’t make a decision.

It’s not the end of the world…you’re only like 15. Stop complaining about waking up early. Things are going to get a lot worse.


One Response to “Dear Teenage Girls”

  1. melissa August 16, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    this is awesome advice

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