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Horoscopes

16 Aug

Oh my God guys! I just figured out five seconds ago that I can read the stars! That means I can make up horoscopes for you and you can read them and when the stuff I foresee actually happens, you can praise me or just call it a coincidence!

ARIES: RISE AND SHINE ARIES! Today is the day to be one with nature. Go for a much needed run! Your love of food will allow you to enjoy a delicious pre-made meal in the form of Elio’s tonight as you cry into a tissue while watching Under the Tuscan Sun.

TAURUS: UP AND AT EM TAURUS! You’re as tacky and cheap as the car Ford named you after, dear Taurus. Although the bull in you likes to grab each day by the horns, today is the day where you let people grab your horns. Stop being so aggressive, theres no ME in Taurus. Also, call your mom. She misses you.

GEMINI: SMELL WHAT THE ROCK’S COOKIN’, GEMINI! Today will start off challenging for you, but fear not, as challenges build character. First you’ll start off by getting a poorly-made coffee at Dunkin Donuts. Being the cheap guy you are, you’ll leave 2 pennies in the tip cup only to throw the coffee out as soon as you get to the parking lot. The rest of the day will also be challenging

CANCER: LIFE IS GIVING YOU LEMONS, CANCER! If you can dream it, maybe you can do it. And you decide not to even try. Release your inner Gary Busey instead, get intoxicated next to an outdoor trash receptacle. If you get drunk enough to pass out, important people walking by you will shower you with pocket change, bruising your ego and your arm. Best to stay in bed today.

LEO: GRAB YOUR GLOCK IF YOU SEE TUPAC, LEO! You’ve been feeling restless lately. Consider joining a club or an organization, such as a yacht club, or the Bloods or Crips. Leo’s element is fire, and your craving for fire can be satisfied by the sound of gunshots lighting up the night sky in suburbia. Shoot the tires of the local ice cream truck to show the driver that this is your turf. He’ll be intimidated by your presence and fun and  give you a Flinstone’s push pop on the house.

VIRGO: LIFE IS A HIGHWAY, VIRGO! And you want to ride that highway all night long. Make a big purchase today. Splurge on a Hoverround. It will be just the thing to make you gain 15 pounds in under a month. Drive it through the McDonald’s drive up and order only a McCafe. It will get you laid by the fry cook. Eat THAT Hell’s  Angels!

LIBRA: REMEMBER, YOLO YOUNG LIBRA! As a Libra, you can sure be stubborn. Embrace that by picking an argument with an authority figure at your job. If you’re going to burn bridges, douse that shit in gasoline before you light the match. Call them a “fucking idiot” for good measure. Just remember to get home in time for American Idol, if it’s on tonight. You love that show, right?

SCORPIO: ONE MAN’S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN’S TREASURE, SCORPIO! Have a delicious breakfast of freezer burnt  Brown and Serve and Eggo’s and head out for an adventure. Dumpster diving will prove rewarding when you find a dead homeless man in the 3rd dumpster you dive in. Bring him home in a shopping cart you found on a street in Montclair. Staple fake ivy and baby’s breath to his un-lively carcass. Prop him up on that eccentric bench you bought at the Christmas Tree Shop. He will bring your hallway to LIFE. Take pictures of the steps you used to reach the finishing product. Then put the before and after pictures onto Pinterest. It’s what Martha Stewart wants you to do.

SAGITTARIUS: MONEY, POWER, RESPECT! You’ll come in contact with a curmudgeon today. That curmudgeon also happens to be your grandfather, who has always been kind of a dick. Consider putting him in a home against his will. Threaten him with your consideration. He knows who’s boss now. Stop at Redbox on your way home. You’ll probably forget to return the DVD you rent, but fuck it, now you own We Bought A Zoo, and that makes you feel powerful. Plus, your vast DVD collection makes you seem complex to the opposite sex.

CAPRICORN: I HOPE YOU DANCE, CAPRICORN! Listen to that annoying Leanne Womack song on repeat today as you sit in your running car that is parked in your garage while the door and windows are closed. See who will be there to pull you out when all is said and done. Then dance with the person who comes to your rescue. This is your soulmate. NOTE: If you do this while no one is home, the results could be fatal. Watch Dr. Phil instead.

AQUARIUS: THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS! Being the free spirit you are, wearing a suit feels like conforming. Wear the suit anyways. Then go outside and live like you were dying. Watch porn on the library’s computer. Exceed the time limit and tell the next person who signed up to use it to screw When they report you to the librarian, walk away in your suit and tell them that their bathroom conditions are deplorable.

PISCES: PLAN ACCORDINGLY! It’s been far too long since you’ve thought about planning a vacation. So sit down, and start thinking, long and hard, about planning a vacation. Decide against Disney because you can’t afford a fast pass and hate lines. Also, hot and humid weather gives you diarrhea. Think about going to Alaska instead. Then don’t actually do it. Just thinking about it provided comfort, but you can’t afford that shit.

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