Leaving for College

22 Aug

Today I’ve seen about 50 billion tweets and retweets from teenagers who are leaving for college this week. All pretty bitter sweet, ranging from being stoked to get the fuck out of Quincy, to being sad about missing high school. Regardless of if they are happy or unhappy about it, my advice to them is to remember: you will be back. Maybe the first few weekends you’ll hangout in Amherst, or Dartmouth, or Bridgewater, or New Hampshire, or wherever you are going. Because the first few weeks of freshman year, everyone is running around the freshman dorms putting their new cliques together. Suddenly you’ll have 500 pending friend requests. Also because the food in the cafeteria is “amazing”. But the good opinion of the cafeteria food is short lived. Because it’s only awesome for 2 weeks. Then it’s bogus and you’ll be living off bagels. And all those carbs (beer/bagel diet) is where the freshmen 15 comes in. Taco/nacho/corndog day all happens at once. Good luck…

I just hope that when you come back after a few weekends away you don’t try to enforce new college rules while playing Kings. I also hope you don’t drop a bottle cap into someone’s red cup and say “Now you have to chug it!”, while laughing like a moron. No buddy, that’s not how it goes. I’m drinking this anyways, and I don’t want to chug something just because you put a PBR cap in the cup. Please don’t come back preaching like you understand politics because you want weed legalized and therefore hang pictures of Obama in the window of your dorm. Keep it to yourself because talking politics when you’re a drunk mess is something no one wants to deal with. And if you’ve joined a frat or sorority, please remember that when you come home you are right back where you started. You can’t buy friends back home. I’ve seen people try it. Like the dude with purple hands who roams around North Quincy buying runs for underage girls. Underage girls don’t want to date that dude. Not only because he has purple hands due to a circulatory problem, but because he’s a creep. So yeah, where you started before you were a college big shot: back to square one.

Think I’m full of it? Think you’ll move on and create a new life? Yeah, maybe if you’re one in 5,000. You’ll be back sooner than you think, because what is the Quincy’est day of the year? Yup, you got it. Thanksgiving. And it’s like you never skipped a beat. You might as well break out your powderpuff jersey. Quincy goes on while you’re off being a hash-smoking, Oodle of Noodle-eating douchebag. You’re only independent until your laundry pile reaches a record high and you need to cart it home to dump on your mom over the 3-4 day break. And during those 4 years of college, your mom will be happy to do that laundry. But the day after you graduate, you’ll be loading your plastic storage containers and smelly futons back into your Quincy home, and you can consider this the day the laundry stops. Who’s independent now?!

Enjoy your Ramen and hazing. See you in November! The tradition continues….Hashtag evil laugh.


3 Responses to “Leaving for College”

  1. kb August 23, 2012 at 2:40 am #

    love it molly

  2. thesillyandroid August 23, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

    hahah funny article … it’s true , you’re always too cool for school until break comes, and then you realize you still love to have mom do the laundry for you 😀

  3. michael d August 27, 2012 at 3:11 pm #

    i made it out alive! but you’re right – thanksgiving is the greatest reunion of the young adults of quincy.

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