23 Aug

Don’t you hate that person who never fails to remind you on August 1st that summer is over? Um, not it’s not. We still have a solid 2 months of hot weather and drinking on patios from that point. So shut up. But it’s now the end of August so I guess I can now say Summer is almost coming to an end, and I’m actually kind of looking forward to Fall.  I’m getting sick of the hot weather (cue 50 people telling me “Wait til you’re complaining about the snow and cold weather!”). I don’t really get to utilize the hot weather, so it has no use to me. I only went to the beach ONCE this summer. Once. I’ve had stupid stuff to do every single weekend of summer. So yeah, I’m ready for pumpkin beer, hot coffee, fuckin’…foliage, unfashionably rocking Uggs for another year, hoodies, American Horror Story, dressing like a slut on Halloween, watching Hocus Pocus for the 987th time, drinking for warmth as opposed for drinking solely for pleasure, stepping on crunchy leaves, etc. Those are all the best things about Fall. But you know what the worst parts about Fall are? I shall remind you…

School buses: A commuter’s nightmare. School buses are back on the roads to wreck our days and make us late. Get stuck behind one and you’re stopping at every corner. If you get visibly angry only antagonizes the little spawns of satan who sit in the back laughing at you and flipping you off quickly then whipping around as not to face you.

Saw movies: Okay, these movies are about a terminally ill old man trying to make self-destructive people appreciate life by making them dive into pits of needles and saw off their own limbs in do-or-die situations. Good premise, kind of reminds me of the movie Se7en, sans Morgan Freeman. But after the first 2 Saw films, it just got repetitive. Remember those Goosebumps books that RL Stine requires the reader to make choices and turn to the page if they picked such and such? That’s what the Saw films are like. We know that Jigsaw is trying to teach lessons and we don’t need to see similar endings play out 500 times. I understand that the point of them is to gross people out, but isn’t anyone slightly desensitized after the first few? The makers of Saw think they can just add Marky Mark into the film and make it brand new. Don’t insult our intelligence by suggesting that the same guy who starred in a movie about killer plants is going to make the movie better. Now maybe if they signed Morgan Freeman to the 6th or 7th or 8th installment we would have ourselves a good Halloween movie. Eh?

Weird weather: You leave the house for work in the morning and you’re freezing your bum off. You go out for lunch break with a giant sweatshirt on and sweat your balls (or non existent balls) off. What the hell mother nature?! Make up your mind! You aren’t sure what to complain about on social media updates with this kind of weather! Not to mention hearing old men foreshadow the approaching winter, “It’s gon’ be a long cold winter” with a forlorn look in their eyes, as though they are remembering back to Vietnam. Yeah dude, we might have to shovel a little. But that’s what grandchildren are for, so screw it.

Seasonal depression: Uh oh, better get your Prozac prescription. The happiest time of year for pharmaceutical companies is approaching. Maybe you shouldn’t have taken all those recreational drugs Flag Day-July 4th. Your serotonin left you faster than Butch left Babs Evans for the Hooters chick. You know what drains me of my serotonin? When the crunchy leaves get wet from rain. Hate that. Cue the sad circle guy Zoloft and wind-up depressed mom commercials. Who does depression hurt? Your cat who could probably care less if you come home or not.

Darkness: Although we gain an hour of sleep, we also lose an hour of daylight. This really doesn’t mean much to me until I’m walking home from the T station after work. I always feel like someone’s going to try to mug me. I say “try” because that’s about all any potential mugger will be able to do. I will get down to business to defeat theHun before they can steal the 5 bucks in my wallet and beat up Michael Kors bag. FO REAL.

It’s not too late though guys. Summer is not over yet. It’s not over until Sully’s says it’s over…


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