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An Apology To My Enemies

27 Aug

If I learned anything from watching stupid movies, it’s that you should always apologize to your enemies. Take for instance the guy that Billy Madison apologized to for bullying when he was younger.  Just a quick “I’m sorry”, and boom! Off the hit list. Doesn’t that seem like an easy price to pay? It takes a strong person to apologize, guys. Let’s make Maya Angelou proud!So now it’s my turn to apologize to people I’ve wronged. Some I have considered enemies. Hopefully this is a short list, I’m close to perfect so it shouldn’t be too long.

1. Rider Strong: I’m sorry that I wrote a blog about you out of spite because you didn’t retweet me. My  feelings were just hurt that the entire rest of the cast who were more important than you retweeted me within a couple of days, whereas you just ignored me and tweeted about shitty independent films that no one will go see. I’m also sorry that I said Cabin Fever sucked. I was just bitter that I gave my time to something that sucked so bad. I’m sorry that I said I was happy that Angela dumped you. You weren’t even a real life couple, so that made no sense. Oh, and lastly, I’m sorry for saying this picture of you was stupid:

2. The Bitch from my blogs “Bitches” & “Bitches Part 2”: Sorry for calling you a bitch. And sorry for saying you wear the Daisy Fuentes collection. I don’t know where you shop. I know you are going for some kind of Bohemian look, and I don’t think that includes blazers from Kohls. Also, sorry for telling everyone you are cheap for bringing Stop & Shop brand hotdogs to my barbecue. There’s nothing wrong with Stop & Shop brand. I’m just kind of partial to Ballpark Franks, because they plump when you cook ’em. But that’s all water under the bridge now. I’m mainly just sorry you date my ex. If anyone is the bitch, it’s him.

3. The Cliffhanger: Sorry for sarcastically blogging about your outdoor patio on 3A. I don’t know for a fact that people wouldn’t enjoy some outdoor drinking in your fenced off area near Amazing Adult Express. Some people are into drinking lukewarm Corona’s in a Weymouth parking lot and it was wrong of me to imply else wise. If it’s any consolation, I like your American flag. Oh, and I’m also sorry that ‘Let’s Go Clay!’ went out of business. I’m sure a lot of moms went to your establishment for an Arbor Mist while their kid painted a ceramic piggy bank next door. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a Plaster Fun Time to open up.

4. Brandon K. from Real World St. Thomas: Sorry for that tweet from me that said you were lying about being from South Boston. You were just lying about being from South Boston and so I wanted to remind you of that. And sorry for that other tweet that used you as the extreme end on the emo continuum: “On a scale of 1 to Brandon from Real World, how emo is my new profile picture?”. I just thought when I watched 5 seconds of the Real World that you were emo, so I thought it was okay. Also, sorry for calling you out when you lied about deflowering a cheerleader in your MTV bio. I just know that cheerleader and she wasn’t deflowered by you so I thought it was weird that you said that and maybe you forgot that it didn’t really happen. And also I’m just jealous of your successful life post RW. Maybe I can get an unblock/follow someday? (@BCMollySaidSo).

Time to let out a collective sigh of relief. I feel SO much better. Now someday when I’m in trouble and need one of these people to help me, they’ll pop out of nowhere and save my life. Just like Steve Buscemi did for Billy around 2:43 of this Youtube clip:

See? Apologize to an enemy today!

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