The ‘Always Something’ Friend

29 Aug

Everyone has someone in their life that ALWAYS  has something going on. And the “something” in “always something” is a complaint. They can always find something to complain about. And you know why? Because they want to. Because they LOVE IT. They thrive off of drama and negativity. They are the most full of shit person you have ever met and you’d have cut ties long ago, but there is an obstacle preventing you from doing so – maybe this person is an old friend whom you feel obligated to, or a family member, or a coworker. God knows. All you know, is that it’s always something. Everyone reading this right now is probably thinking of that one person in their life that fits this description. Tell me that this isn’t something that an Always Something friend would do:

The sun is shining, birds singing, day off from work, and you turn to your “Always Something” friend and say “Isn’t life FABULOUS today?!“…

And your Always Something friend responds, “Yeah, it is nice out and all… but I rolled my ankle this morning. Does it look swollen?”. It probably doesn’t look swollen, but don’t tell the Always Something friend this, they will get upset and shout, “I can’t believe you don’t believe I am injured!”. The Always Something friend is the friend who rolls their ankle. This happens roughly once a month and they have their grandfather’s crutches from when he fell into 1987 handy to garner sympathy for their crippled ass.

What else is bothering the Always Something friend? The fact that their parents divorced amicably in 1992. That separation is the root of every single problem the Always Something friend has. Does the Always Something friend smoke butts? Trace THAT habit back to the divorce. Do they get mild to moderate back pain? Mom and dad’s fault. This isn’t just an excuse. This is mom and dad’s fault for divorcing. The double birthday parties growing up was a slap in the face to the Always Something friend. Those two pinatas served as a reminder that mommy and daddy fell out of love. From that point on, the Always Something friend was doomed.

Another thing the Always Something friend is subjected to on the regular is death. As a matter of fact, their great grandmother’s, dog walker’s, sister’s, mailman passed away last Fall. And the Always Something friend is in mourning. Don’t ask the Always Something friend what’s wrong…it’s obvious! And don’t ask the Always Something friend for an obituary to get a week off to grieve…they will threaten to sue. Their family’s dog died before they were born and the Always Something friend never moved on. Such a tragedy. And when the girl from another town that the Always Something friend met once at age 4 passes away, the Always Something friend makes sure to status update everyone on social media networks that this girl’s passing was the worst thing that has EVER happened to them. Then they get a tattoo in honor of the deceased. Lord knows what they would do if someone they were actually close to/knew passed away. They would have to dedicate a hole sleeve of RIP & rosary tattoos.

Never speak of any unfortunate events that might be troubling you in front of the Always Something friend. For the Always Something friend always has it worse. And if you take the sympathy away, the Always Something friend will dramatically trip over a leaf or a dust molecule, and fall slowly to the ground, rolling their ankle. Better get the the Always Something friend to the Emergency Room, because a bag of frozen peas won’t heal the Always Something friend’s fragile parts.

Also remember if you have a cold, to stay clear of the Always Something friend. For they have the weakest immune systems of any other being to have ever existed. If you even see the Always Something friend from a quarter mile away, they will catch the same cold, call in sick for a month, and cry about their parent’s divorce and their gerbil’s death while they are quarantined.

God forbid the Always Something friend gets any kind of an illness that is more serious than a cold. For example, mono. They will never let it go. They will refer to it 100 times a week as “that time I had mono and was bedridden and lost 20 lbs and almost died.“, when in reality they lost maybe 3lbs and used it as proof that they were gravely ill.

Always Something friends typically have around 46.3 pregnancy scares annually. Even if they aren’t having sex. It’s just always something.

So… do any of these situations sound familiar to you? Of course, because everyone has that one person in their life, who always has something going on. And the purpose of this blog is to remind you that while you recognize who this person is in your life, you probably can’t do shit about it. Living is difficult, isn’t it?


2 Responses to “The ‘Always Something’ Friend”

  1. Ashley August 29, 2012 at 6:55 pm #

    Laughed through every word of that. So true.

  2. alison August 30, 2012 at 12:24 am #

    Ok probably one of the top 10 blogs you’ve done. Love it.

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