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Back To School Advice For Moms

5 Sep

Every mom out there is pretty upset this week. Why? Because their baaaaabbieeeeeeesss are starting grades K-12. Time goes by so fast, doesn’t it? One minute you’re cuddling with your adorable toddler, and the next you are being verbally and emotionally abused by your oily skinned 15 year old. And then they are ignoring you and putting you in a home while you pay off their college loans. Yes, children are gifts from God. So it’s understandable that when they leave the nest to go to some establishment to play arts and crafts/drink apple juice that you moms get kind of teary eyed. As someone who has no children, I want to remind you that YOU ARE A PERSON, TOO. So after bawling your eyes out in your minivan while listening to Matty in the Morning in front of an elementary school like a crackpot, please try to remember that now you have “alone time”. Here are some things to do while your 6 year old is busy making macaroni necklaces:

1. Day drink: I bet you forgot what it was like to day drink. You have the whole day ahead of you to get a nice mimosa buzz, and sober up just in time for the yellow school bus to pull up on the corner. Call up some girlfriends who’s kids are also at school, pull the Cheerios out of your mane, put on some make up and a fresh pair of skinnies, and head to a nice place in town. I stress the word “skinnies” because if you show up in mom jeans, you’ll just feel worse.

2. Watch Maury: Nothing like watching complete trash determine paternity to make you feel less poor/alone. Just don’t day drink WHILE watching Maury. It will seal the deal on the intervention your husband is probably planning.

3. Make a macaroni necklace: Fuck it, your kids get to do it. If you can’t beat them, join them. Then one up them by making yours prettier. Perhaps add some color. Your kids will think it’s a funny joke, then proceed to feel bad that your necklace was effortless and still came out better. And there’s nothing funnier/more rewarding than one up’ing children.

4. Avoid reading 50 Shades of Grey: It’s for lonely housewives. And you, girlfraaaaand, are NOT a lonely housewife. You’re a desperate one. If you wanted porn, you’d watch it. You don’t need to waste your time reading it.

5. Take a pottery class: Isn’t that what bored moms do? But don’t be too stereotypical. Take a pottery class DRUNK.  Chalk it up to a midlife crisis or something. If you don’t like getting your hands dirty, take a Women’s Rights class. You go, guuurrrl! Just remember to be home in time to make your husband that meatloaf he requested. He procrastinates hard all day to earn more money than the women in his office!!!

6. Shop: Your husband works for a reason! Head to the mall and shop! And don’t even think about stepping foot into The Children’s Place. Those fuckers have enough clothes as it is. Not to mention, they outgrow everything in like 5 months.

7. Bonfire: Throw all your mom jeans into your minivan, along with some old Richard Simmons Sweatin’ to the Oldies VHS’s. Then light that shit on fire and watch it burn. Then buy a luxury sedan.

Congratulations. You’re a free bitch, baby.

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4 Responses to “Back To School Advice For Moms”

  1. poundlandprincess September 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

    Love your blog, I’m having fun reading all your posts.

  2. Glitter Mama September 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    Haha! I love this! x

  3. Jillian Polvere September 7, 2012 at 2:59 am #

    i laughed so loud my husband came to check on me! amazing as always, Molly!

  4. Kb September 7, 2012 at 3:46 am #

    Too funny. I needed this because my lady little lady is leaving me Monday!! Whaaaa. I already have a stomach ache. But you definitely gave me some good ideas . Drink , get crafty, drink , hang with my girls, and burn shit. Oh, drink some more .

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