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How To Pretend You’re A Grown Up

20 Sep

Sometimes it’s hard to feel 25 years old. I know all you people older than 25 are thinking “UGH! SHUT UP! I’M LIKE 59!”, and to all of those people I say “No, you shut up”. What I’m about to tell the rest of my fellow 20 something year old’s, is what they need to do to be considered a grown up in front of real life grown ups.  Since we don’t all get to have a Bat Mitzfah or confirmation, we need to know how to be considered an adult, so that people will show us some R-E-S-P-E-K-T. We all know that the twenties are now just the extended teenage years, and sometimes we have to bullshit our maturity to fit in. So follow these guidelines and you will be on your way to people calling you “Ma’am”, and when they do, you can remind them you’re not that old by bitch slapping them.

1. When you eat peanut butter and jelly, keep the crust in tact, and choose wheat bread.  Cutting the crusts off your sandwich is so 3rd grade. You need to keep them present, even if you don’t eat them, if only for show.  We all still love PB & J from time to time, but it’s not the most adult thing to eat. That’s why eating it on wheat bread is a must. It’s so much more grown up than white Wonder bread.

2. Send a “thank you” card. Nothing makes real adults shit their pants in joy faster than opening their mailbox only to find a card expressing gratitude. Trust me, I do it all the time. No one sends them anymore and no one uses the post office anymore, so older people think you went REALLY out of the way to physically pick out a card and put it into a mailbox. They’ll think you’re so classy and adult-esque. Also, it will make them nostalgic about that time last week when they walked to a mailbox and their knee didn’t act up. People will be thanking you for your thank you cards.

3. Don’t call one-fives on your seat if you are in a room full of people who are over the age of 34. They probably don’t know what that means unless they are “hip” (note: a trick to knowing if someone isn’t “hip” is if they use the word “hip” to describe themselves in a Match.com profile). If they hear you calling your seat, they’ll think you’re stuck at age 17. I know it sucks when people steal your seat, so if they do, just be an adult about it and give them the stink eye from across the room, or give them the finger subtly and quickly when they aren’t looking at you.

4. Don’t say “It’s hot as balls in here!” in a room of older people. Instead say “It’s hot as a grundle in here!” (they don’t know what grundle means and maybe they’ll mistake it for a new SAT word, in which case you’ll sound like you have a vast vocabulary).

5. Tell them you need to get home to watch Dancing With The Stars and iron a shirt.

6. Refer to Massachusetts as “Taxachusetts” then laugh your douchiest laugh and bring up a crock pot recipe that you made up off the top of your head while you were busy laughing like a douche.

7. Even if you don’t have children, if someone is talking to you about children, slowly shake your head and say “Boys will be boys!”. If this person has girls just shake your head, and say “Well I gotta run, Dancing with the Stars starts in 119 minutes and I don’t know what DVR or expensive things are since I grew up in a poor family who ate Spam”.

8. Start a shit talking session by saying “I don’t mean to be mean BUT…”. It’s the equivalent as calling shit talking “venting”. In a grown up person’s mind, saying this justifies the horrors that are about to come out of their mouth. Grown ups like to be square with the guy upstairs (Christ) by being nice to their neighbors’ faces.

9. Lie and say you went to Catholic school, even if you didn’t. But call it “Parochial School”. Make up a story about getting beaten by a nun named “Sister Mary”. Stories about getting whacked with rulers in school is like old  people’s street cred.  It’s their hood memories, if you will. But don’t include sexual abuse in your made up memories. Older people don’t like to talk about and/or acknowledge scandals in their parish. They also don’t like to talk about mental health because they don’t believe in it, so avoid that subject, too.

10. Talk trash about a woman in your neighborhood who let’s her dog poop on your lawn. But do NOT say that the lawn you speak of is your mom’s lawn.

11. Ask, “What the heck is an emotican and sexting and Suri?!”.

12. Sign up for a Stop and Shop card. Then forget it and pretend to be delighted when the cashier says they’ll put a store card in so you can get the discount anyways.

13. Stop drinking your coffee with extra cream, extra sugar (that’s disgusting even if you’re immature).

14. Even if you don’t have a dog, talk about how no one ever walks the Goddamn dog except you.

15. Switch from Kraft mac and cheese to Annie’s. Claim that you’re doing so because it’s organic.

Alright my fellow Millenials, go out there and show the world how grown up you can pretend you are! God speed!

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7 Responses to “How To Pretend You’re A Grown Up”

  1. poundlandprincess September 20, 2012 at 9:57 pm #

    Great advice. Out of curiosity would you reckon someone who is 32 and aproaching 33 in early October is old?

    • poundlandprincess September 20, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

      Said person will be spending their birthday in Magaluf if that makes any difference to your decision.

    • Stephanie September 21, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

      if you even use the word reckon you have more things to worry about other than if you old!!! haha

  2. Deannafin September 21, 2012 at 2:59 am #

    hahaha number six bahahaha I love you Molly!

  3. Penguins13 September 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

    Dammit! You can’t google one-fives! I tried.

  4. Stephanie September 21, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    Ok, after reading all your blogs and especially after reading this one I decided that you could be a writer on that show The B in apt 103 or whatever the hell it’s called!! Do you know that show? Or maybe you should be on it? Idk but your shit is so that show!!!

  5. Felicia McNally September 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    In response to #9 — I actually DID get threatened by a nun before and therefore dont have to make it up. HAHAAH did I ever tell u, i was in like 3rd grade and got up to get a tissue for my runny nose, and she told me to sit down or she’d knock me down. Needless to say, the next year my mom transferred me to beechwood knoll PUBLIC school. ahaha. I dont know but her name could have been sister mary, aren’t they all named sister mary?

    ________________________________

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